Excellent Gary! That is the approach I have eventually settled on too. I think many of us have over time graduated from the sadness of being rejected to the "screw 'em" philosophy. It works for me. I have a beautiful little 3 year old son that they will never get to play with - it's ALL their loss. Sure, I still get a little down sometimes, only because I am very sociable and I wish there were more people to share these things with. That's another thing I have found since leaving the JW's .. real friends don't come easy or fast out here in the real world. I try to be patient. I will never settle for conditional love and phony friendship again!
how does everyone else cope with being shunned by family?
by nb-dfed 36 Replies latest jw experiences
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outoftheorg
IF YOU WERE TO TAKE THIS PROBLEM TO A PSYCHOLOGIST OR ANY COUNSELOR, THEY WOULD PROBABLY MAKE SEVERAL SUGGESTIONS. NONE OF WHICH WOULD CHANGE THE SITUATION.
IN THE END THEY WOULD START TO USE WORDS LIKE "DETATCH- DISENGAGE-REMOVE "YOURSELF" FROM THIS PROBLEM".
YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF. WE CAN'T CONTROL OTHERS, IE, YOUR FAMILY.
IN OTHER WORDS "STAY AWAY FROM THOSE WHO BRING GRIEF,SADNESS, ANGER, INTO YOUR LIFE.
LEAVE YOUR DOOR AND HEART OPEN TO THOSE WHO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT.
DO NOT PURSUE THOSE WHO CONTINUE TO HURT YOU.
PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. LIVE YOUR LIFE AND ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM AND DO NOT LET ANYONE INSERT CONFUSION, GRIEF, ANGER, INTO YOUR FAMILY.
WISHING YOU AND YOURS, ALL THE BEST THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER.
Outoftheorg
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Fleur
oy, does this thread stir memories in me.
i've been out for six years. i went through awhile where i didn't care if my family shunned me, i was so convinced that i was doing what was right for myself and my child (divorcing a man who treated me horribly, and then remarrying a man who treated me, and still does, like gold.) that it didn't matter.
later on, as time went on and family events like weddings and funerals came up, it was harder. it was the worst about 18 months after my df'ing, i considered momentarily going back just so i could see my family, but i found the exjw community online, wrote a hell of a lot out, and realized that i will never, could never, be a jw again. most of my family would rather that i had killed myself and been in line for a resurrection than said "enough" to the abusive marriage and walked out. knowing that really helps shine a cold, bright light on them and makes them a lot less attractive to be around, thus reducing the pain of their shunning me.
the only members of my family who will see me are my parents, a brother who isn't baptized (we're not close though) and i get calls now and then from one older sister who has drifted. one older sister has become even more militant as a jw since i left, pioneer, elderette, married to elder. she won't see me at all, not even to see my child, which has been VERY hard on my child. but she is, honestly, better off without her aunt's influence in her life. my sister would be unhealthy even if she wasn't a jw. none of my extended family, including cousins i literally grew up with like siblings, will talk to me. that's been the hardest part.
so there have been times when it's been absolute torture, times it's been a damned inconvenience, and other times when it just doesn't matter. those days are more and more frequent now. i've realized that even if they would talk to me, we'd have nothing to say, because i have nothing in common with them, seriously. even though my relatives are jw's, their lives are all about money, partying on cruises and such, materialism, and the borg. nothing that i have any interest in at ALL.
outoftheborg's post was GREAT. the realization that i came to was that i didn't cut my family off, i have told them all at any opportunity (such as running into them at hospitals visiting my dad when he almost died a couple years back) that i love them, that my door is open to them at any time. they have walked away from me, and that is something i have absolutely no control over.
so i don't torture myself. i have wonderful family on my husband's side (never been jw's, aren't particularly religious, his extended family has several religions in it). i'm raising my daughter to believe that the price of being in relationships with some family members is just too high. you can't sacrifice who you are to gain their 'love'. it's not real love anyway, it's just their twisted version that is really control in disguise.
you will find people to surround yourself with who love you for who you are. and you will like yourself more, believe me.
hope this makes sense. i'm glad you found your way here, believe me you're not alone. regardless of where you are on the rollercoaster, there is someone here who is riding right next to you.
hugs
fleur
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Freedom Fighter
It's this kind of thread that really makes me angry. In the media Jws are depicted as harmless buffoons which everyone can laugh at. The reality is a lot more sinister and the pain caused by the organisation scars people for life -as shown on these posts.
We had one d'fd sister at our KH who still attended meetings and every week she put herself through the humiliation of being 'blanked' by everyone. I could never reconcile this with an organisation who made such a big show of brotherly love and higher standards than the so called ' worldly' churches.
I was never d'fd - I never got baptised because my heart was never in it, but I did fade away, never to return. The only family member that was a JW is my mother, who still attends faithfully. I have been very lucky as she has never shunned me and has always treated me as her daughter first and foremost, but her JW faith does cause tensions between us. I had always led a double life as a JW and built up a group of friends who were 'worldly' and had no idea of my JW life. This eased things a lot for me as I broke away.
What did hurt was that my mother's JW friends actively ignored me, or passed me in the street, but I didn't care, that served to strengthen my conviction that leaving was the right thing to do. I always made a point of informing my mother of each event, just to illustrate the hypocrisy of her so -called Christian sisters. Even now, I make sure I plant a lot of seeds in her mind about people that she talks about in the KH, as I know a lot more of what went on over the years than she does. This is a constnt process to try and wean her away subtely.
I know you must be in a lot of pain nb - and I wish I knew the answer. All I can say is that always remember you have done the right thing and there is always hope that your family will see through the JWs for what they are - it will take a while but is worth pursuing.
Lots of love to ya - FF
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Dansk
Welcome nb-dfed,
I just want to know how some of you out there cope with this sadness.
Easy. Just keep focussing on this:
I have found happiness and peace with myself, my spirituality and god.
It isn't YOU that's in the wrong - and don't ever forget that! The fact that you're feeling good about yourself proves it!! Continue to do what you're doing and beam your happiness to the world. THAT will bring your family round. People with true spirituality in their lives are always happy (unlike Jws). Your family cannot help but notice that eventually.
Here's to you
Ian
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Bubbamar
Welcom nb
I too am df'ed and my mom is still very in and very loyal to JW doctrine. I have not had any contact with her for 6-7 years now. Before that it was occasional contact - she used to drop me preachy, bible/WT thumping letters from time to time. Then my dad and both grandmothers died within 2 weeks of each other and my mom left for Equador to do missionary work and she didn't call or write for 2 years. That would have been only a little more acceptable had I not been in the midst of so much loss already - but for her to shun me 100% after going through that - THAT was when I realized her treatment of me was completely unacceptable to me and I will not tolerate another second of it. She wrote me 2 years later and apologized for not contacting me for the 2 years (and of course justified her actions with scripture) but it was too late.
The grief seems to come in waves. It was extremely painful for a long time and I drank a lot of alcohol and consumed a lot of drugs in order to cope with it. I definitely do not recommend this path! Then I got into therapy and began to recover. That's when things began to improve for me.
What re-opened this wound was reading Crisis of Conscience and realizing that my mom has allowed her family to be destroyed by this cult without even bothering to check some basic historical facts. That really pisses me off!!
That's my story. Like others have said I also have a "family of choice" now - I have love and true spirituality in my life. Ironically, I pray for my mom.
My best to you. Hang in there!!
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franklin J
welcome nb,
as you can see from all the previous posts, you are among friends here on this forum. Lots of good advice already given; no need for me to repeat it.
I am sorry for what you are enduring with family. That must be the hardest part of leaving. My experiences were somewhat different as my family exited with me. Some extended family still remains active; and their shunning me ; my wife and kids has no effect and has become a stereotypical joke.
I would recommend that you make new friends on the outside. Become active in the community and civic groups. The social and support networks I built up for myself on th eoutside proved to be invaluble to my personal healing; recovery and progressing to a newer; healthier phase of my life.
The arrival of grandchildren may make all the difference; however if it does not; you should be prepared to move forward with your life and plans . I think it is wonderful that you have a partner to share it with.
I was amazed at how the birth of my children helped me to focus my priorities and my direction in life became crystal clear.
regards, and be well, Frank