I was talking to a Seminary student (Dallas Theological Seminary) recently. He was a good-looking, personable, charismatic, (in the Movie Star sense) and intelligent fellow.
I really don't know how I manage to attract these discussions. Or do I?
I spend most days sitting in a Starbucks writing away furiously. Curious people sit nearby and ask questions. I let slip this or that and---BINGO!
Be that as it may . . .
This magic Christian proceeded to confess he was on a personal Sabbatical, an Ad Hoc Rumspringa to reassess his life!
All he had ever known was evangelical certainty, inerrancy of Scripture, and a deep-seated sense of heavenly entitlement--that is--until recently. One day, he was praying and suddenly became aware that he was 'talking to himself.'
I confessed the exact same experience--and a dialogue quickly ensured.
The empty feeling of being a 'fraud,' had haunted him. He was smart enough to step out of himself and see how religious fellowship was a self-reinforcing delusion. This led to an epiphany that Seminary was but an intellectual gasp and grasp at yet another self-reinforcing delusion!
Holy tergiversation, Batman!
We spoke for over an hour. Other patrons stood or sat nearby with eyes wide at the other-worldliness of our recherche!
I've seen him twice since then. He always looks terribly happy to see me, and once more, we plunge into an odd dance. I guess I'm an old man (68) who fits into an Obi Wan template for younger aspiring Jedi. Dunno, really. Suffice to day, I profess only ignorance and experience at sloughing my own skin of absolute certainty---and it works a MIRACLE for the fellow to experience my experience of that journey!
Apparently, there are 'True Believers' out there who aspire to doubt! The melancholy burden of 'proving the numinous' is too great a load to live with. The sense of falseness makes them sick of their own posture in the community of belief.
I call it a 'thirst for authenticity of self.'
A person of intellectual bent wants to 'solve' the problem as though it were possible by KNOWING THINGS. Others, less honest, want to solve the problem by BELIEVEING THINGS. Lastly, come the wary, weary, wastrels (myself included) who solve the problem by ABANDONING every premise and starting anew.
I too grow angry at sureness because I see it as repugnant, self-satisfied laziness.
But--is it? Dunno. It feels that way at the moment.
Doubt is as comforting as an empty bank account. Belief is writing bad checks.
Hope is applying for a large bank loan by mortgaging the future.
The Seminary guy grows happier each time I see him. He is wondering how to 'come out of the closet' as a non-believer to his Dad and Mom. Yipes.
He knows a HUGE RECKONING is in store and he'll have to 'explain' the inexplicable.
He wanted advice from Obi wan.
I quoted an old movie adage from WAR GAMES.
"The only way to win is to---NOT PLAY."
I said to him, "You parents and Christian friends either love the authentic you--or they've been lying to themselves by loving the version of you which pretends. Which do you want it to be?"
To NOT have "THAT" conversation (in religious terms) is to be authentic.
My takeaway from this exchange is this.
We are all on a journey. Those who have absolute certainty are betting everything against the odds.
There are 41,000 denominations in Christianity. How lucky can a fellow be to accidentally hit the 'true' one--IF there is a 'true' one?
Perhaps a good life, well-lived, being a service to others is the better trade-off?
Regardless, I use these religious discussions as a reminder of how much volatility
there is in THINKING SOMETHING IS TRUE based on numinous ancient texts :)