why take the time to "fade"?

doogie

hey guys,

i'm perplexed by something and i don't know how well it will be received on this board but i'm really curious. why did you take the time to fade away vs. just DAing yourself?

to me, the idea of fading makes me nauseous and i really don't understand the logic. it's seems like such a delay of the inevitable. i'm not trying to be confrontational, but my heart really goes out to those of you that struggle mightily to "properly" fade away so that you don't get DF'd/DA'd. i just see so much effort and stress in the fading process when really (in my eyes) all you gain is not being shunned by those who would readily shun you if they knew how you truly felt. it seems kind of like masking the truth to me. why not take pride in the fact that you're standing up for your beliefs? (or in this case disbeliefs?)

i'm not talking about those that went inactive and just never got around to turning in a letter. i'm more curious about those that are in the org and consiously make an effort to become inactive (or those that get reinstated just to go inactive).

again, i know this is a touchy subject and extemely subjective, but i just think that the benefits of standing up for yourself far outweigh any temporary discomfort the intolerance of the active JW's can heap upon us.

little witch

Doogie (thinking Doogie Howser, remember that show) tee hee hee

Fading to some seems silly, juvenile, weak, fruitless, etc because leaving the jw's is such a personal issue. For some (perhaps you and I) it is as simple as saying "I am done, consequences be damned". We weigh the costs of saying so and find it a small price to pay.

For many others, family relationships, fear, guilt, shame, or being made an outcast are involved. I havent walked in those shoes myself. I am glad I didnt. My step family were the jws and I didnt give a damn if I ever saw or spoke to them again. But imagine if your son, daughter, parents, spouse was still a jw. Someone you care about and fear to lose.... Such a thing as saying " piss off" is not an option....You would use patience and fading as a ways to preserve what you love and want.

That is why some people need to just fly under the radar....they have their own price to pay for doing so. It is not like they dont want to say "take a flyin' leap"...but they suppress that anger and finality (and it would be final), for the sake of hope. That is very understandable to me.

I hope this helps..

Gerard

I believe that that makes the difference from remaining in contact with your family or not.

Netty

to me, the idea of fading makes me nauseous.

To me the idea of losing my family forever makes me nauseous.

Its all about family! I could care less what other witnesses say or do or how they treat me. And if that was the only thing I had to be concerned about, well maybe I would stand up and get in peoples faces about how I feel. But I must have my parents in my life, period, end of story. Its not quite so easy to say consequences be damned when you know that you will be cut off by your family. I want them in my life, I want them in my childrens life, it is a seriously important thing.

but i just think that the benefits of standing up for yourself far outweigh any temporary discomfort the intolerance of the active JW's can heap upon us.

Maybe for you. You must not have any family to lose. Its quite a different story when you know you will lose your family, that my dear is not a temporary discomfort, it is a permanent devestation.

little witch

Well put Netty.

From someone who is walking daily in those shoes.....

It is heartbreaking for those who must give up so much of themselves in order to retain a valued relationship. You stated very honestly how painful that is.

(((hugs)))

doogie

Maybe for you. You must not have any family to lose. Its quite a different story when you know you will lose your family, that my dear is not a temporary discomfort, it is a permanent devestation.

i know where you're coming from.

i come from a step family. all 4 parents are still active witnesses (both my dad and step-dad are elders). my brother and his wife are missionaries. my mother and father pioneer. my family and my friends were my life and now they are not. i haven't spoken to either of my parents in almost 2 years. i wasn't informed about my brother's wedding until 2 weeks before the date (i wasn't invited). i can go on...

i'm not trying to be dramatic and i'm not digging for sympathy or anything here. i'm just saying that i did have family and friends to lose. but even so, if i had it all to do over, i wouldn't change a thing. yes, it took many sleepless nights and tears but i feel like i had to go through that to let go of the religion.

i feel like, ok, if i had played my cards differently i could still have them in my life. but, if i had done things differently, i would've had to convince them that i was something that i am not. if they profess love for me because of what they think i am rather than what i truly am (and what's more, they'd hate me if they knew the truth), then how real is their love anyway? how valid is it if it's utterly dependent upon what i believe. i can't say that those are the kind of people that i would want to surround myself with anyway (and it breaks my heart to say that, but it's true).

i just wanted to clear that up...this is my perspective and that's why i'm curious as to others reasonings.

sorry for the confusion.

little witch

Doogie,

Your question was valid and relevant, and also asked with respect. You need not feel bad or apologize for asking a sincere question! I have wondered it myself but never asked it...There is nothing wrong with asking questions.

confusedjw

Having family in, of course. It's the only legal way of getting out and not getting shunned.

Sassy

mostly I wanted to keep my work enviroment civil.. I work with several JWs, one very closely and it would be uncomfortable to say the least if I DA'd.. true I know that I can make a big deal if I am treated badly due to religion from a work standpoint.

but it would be easier not to be in a hostile environment.. Most of my waking hours is at work

Netty

You dont have to be sorry, there are two sides to this issue that is for sure. I am also curious did you have any control over your being da'd or df'd, did you really make an informed decision? With eyes wide open weighing future consequences of each course of action and decide to opt for the "lose your family" option?

i haven't spoken to either of my parents in almost 2 years. i wasn't informed about my brother's wedding until 2 weeks before the date (i wasn't invited). i can go on...

Is this really only a temporary discomfort? Seems like this is something that would scar a person permanently. Thats why, for me, this is way to devestating a thing to knowlingly volunteer for. I have so much sympathy for those who were df'd or da'd beyond their control, because they had no choice in the matter and ended up suffering the loss of their families.

then how real is their love anyway?

I'll be honest, it is a conditional love, and that is a difficult thing to swallow. But again, I still have them in my life at least to some degree.

i would've had to convince them that i was something that i am not.

That has not been the case with me, they know exactly what I am, I wont go to meetings or have anything to do with the truth, They know I celebrate all holidays with my children and do non witness stuff. I am my own person and they know that. Have I gotten into full details, like being on this message board, etc, no way. But I also dont discuss my sex life with them either. There are some things that are just better left unsaid. I was trying to convince them that I was something I was not, when I chose to try and pretend to be a part of their religion and belief system. I felt like a hypocrite then and thats why I left.

I respect your point of view Doogie. I am sure neither one of us fully knew what we would have to suffer through when we left the jw's (each choosing the route that was best for us).

why take the time to "fade"?

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