Dear Mulan,
I have a son, 14, diagnosed at age 4 with ADHD. Before he was born, I knew something was, um, well, definitely going on with him. He was impossible to manage, would NOT sleep, was totally embarrassing in any public arena; it took two adults to change his clothes... I had to literally sit on his chest and pry his mouth apart to brush his teeth... he was completely impervious to discipline, etc. He needed continuous interaction (I did not pee nor brush MY teeth or do anything alone for three years after he was born. He was "invited" to withdraw from three pre-schools. We placed him in a super-small class-size private pre-school finally, and they were not able to deal with him.
I caught on very early that his tendencies were attracting only negative attention. The impulsivity and continuous need for attention and stimulation was not working in society. He was always in "time out" at school, or needing to be corrected....It sucked. Everybody who observed him thought he needed multitudinous spankings. Everyone I knew (relatives, neighbors, teachers, "friends" from the KH, doctors - his own father-) had tons of advice about discipline and "parenting". Usually that meant "beat the crap out of the kid". I simply could not take him to meetings. Conventions.... oh, don't get me started....
What a bunch of fuck-heads they were. I did not listen to them, but protected him from situations where he would certainly fail (= lots of things we could not do that other kids did) and try to circumvent the almost certain destiny of being a social outcast. It required 100% of my attention and time. It sucked. It was a continuous, draining experience which cost me a great deal in terms of having a life.
I'm trying to illustrate something here, really. He's now 14, and doing well. He has been on medication for ten years, and the side effects have had their toll. But, he's likeable and has a clue that other people exist, and most of all, he knows he is loved and valuable. He knows that he has tendencies that other people do not always accept or understand, and accepts this. It has cost me my marriage to work this hard for this kid, and lots of other things too... believe me, it has been very hard work. I remember at one point thinking that if I could see him get to the age of 16 and he wasn't stealing cars, I would feel like I'd succeeded.
Kids born with ADD have many difficulties in every arena, receive negative attention for just about everything they do, require more effort and love than an entire country, and need to be taught how to "see" things from other peoples' perspectives. Even then, they have difficulties and are angry, petulant, feel anxious for reasons that are not identifiable, and want relief. Even in the best of parenting situations and in loving homes, it is difficult if not impossible.
I'm not justifying your son's GF's behavior nor saying you have to like it or be around it or accept it or anything.... I guess I'm attempting to explain that kids with ADD are just not going to fit in to our society and in the best of cases are total pains in the butt. In the worst of cases, they are psychopaths.
My understanding is that certain parts of their brain functioning are "underactive" and they cannot focus or feel calm. Chaos feels normal to them. Stimulant drugs such as Ritalin, Adderol, Cylert and some tricylclics such as desipramine or norpramine seem to alleviate this desperate feeling for them. Someone with ADD does not get "high" from a stimulant drug; it actually calms them down. It is weird. One of those things about "imperfection" that I've pondered about incessantly......
So perhaps if you could see that she has been feeling like a weirdo all of her life and has had negative feedback and frustrated teachers/parents/friends/etc. all of her life, it may help you understand why she is such a butt-munch. Perhaps she has the temperament to actually learn how her behavior affects others and could modify it.... but boy does this take a lot of love... AACCkkk....
Please let me know any feedback you have or if anything I've said has helped you..... you are in a very difficult situation and I wish you well.
lauralisa
It's just water.... it's just water from a stranger's tear
(Peter Gabriel)