I'm sure marraige is full of compromising but even married people should be able to have their personal boundaries that they wont cross. Everyone has a conscience and even their spouse should not be able to force them to do something that they feel is wrong for them on a moral or personal level. Whether your boundary is associating with jw's or eating a certain food or something sexual.. whatever it is you should not have to compromise that. If a couple ideals are so different or they cannot accept and respect each others personal boundaries then they will probably have problems no matter what.
Compromise
by teejay 33 Replies latest social relationships
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Mecurious?
Are there any other areas you can think of in marriage where a line ought to be drawn and a married person has the "right" to say, "I won't even compromise on that"? To ex-JWs, anything JW related seems to be one of those areas. Wouldn't that then justify her refusal to compromise in other areas?
I lost my original post on this() so I decided to approach it from another angle. Anyway, I think compromise is good as long as its not a disguise for "control". Also if you give some people an inch they will take a mile.
I had a j-dub friend that was a drummer in my band and his wife complained about it, eventually he quit the band. But he thought he would at least be able to play at home in his spare time.
Nope! "Home girl" said he needed to stop playing so loud so he toned it down a little. Eventually she made sure that he wasnt able to play at all. After that she made his life a living hell. I have never seen a man so hen-pecked in my entire life. Nevertheless, they are now going through a divorce.
Mutual respect for your own as well as your mates personal boundaries are an intergal part of all successful relationships.
M'
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freedom96
There are areas of grey, as there is right and wrong. With all that we know for a fact about the WTS organization, participating in their meetings would be clearly wrong, and would send the wrong message to ones wife and family.
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Mecurious?
I'm sure marraige is full of compromising but even married people should be able to have their personal boundaries that they wont cross. Everyone has a conscience and even their spouse should not be able to force them to do something that they feel is wrong for them on a moral or personal level. Whether your boundary is associating with jw's or eating a certain food or something sexual.. whatever it is you should not have to compromise that. If a couple ideals are so different or they cannot accept and respect each others personal boundaries then they will probably have problems no matter what. Thats amazing the boundarie thing is exactly what I was thinking... Flower I didn't know you were a mind reader. . . . . . . . Okay what am I thinking now? M'
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wasasister
We all have boundaries we won't cross.
What if, for example, you asked your spouse to watch hard-core porn with you as a way to enhance your intamacy? Is that a line she would not cross?
On the other hand, if attending the occasional meeting (which usually means Memorial, the "Special Talk", or the CO visit), would make your relationship better and it doesn't cost you anything but boredom, why not do it? I've made that sacrifice for my Dub Daughter before. It meant the world to her and I gave up an hour of my time. I considered it a worthwhile investment.
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pettygrudger
Anyway, I think compromise is good as long as its not a disguise for "control". Also if you give some people an inch they will take a mile
Very true!
I think "compromise" requires BOTH participants - and something being given from each other. If both aren't giving something - then this "compromise" is not that - it's really just one bowing to the other's will.
And that's okay in a relationship as well - sometimes no "compromises" are able to be done. What matters is to whom the situation matters the most and whether the other truly loves them enough to do this.
As far as meetings go - this is a personal decision between yourself, your wife & to some extent your daughter. Weighing the pros & cons and deciding what lessons you & your wife together, and separately, wish your daughter to learn. What you wish to teach her about marriage, life, one's personal beliefs, etc. should weigh heavily in the process, as I'm sure it does for you.
And I know my post was absolutely no help! Good luck with your choice - and know that no one has the right to condemn you for it. Plenty of people here compromise their own personal beliefs in order to keep marital harmony & stability for their children!And that's an honorable thing imho.
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Scully
One of the fundamental keys to a successful marriage. Doing stuff you wouldn't ordinarily do... stuff you don't and wouldn't ever do by nature, but you do it because you're married to this particular person. Without it a marriage is, at best, an unhappy situation; at worst, a divorce waiting to happen.
Can someone tell me why going to the meetings with my JW wife should be exempt as an area of compromise?This is something that bugs me about the concept of "compromise" in a marriage: One person usually gets what they want. The other person usually doesn't.
Would your JW wife consider it an acceptable situation if she "compromised" and didn't go to meetings because you asked her to do so? (This is an equal, but opposite, request to the one that she makes of you.)
Would she consider it an acceptable situation if she "compromised" and only went to half the number of meetings at the KH if you agreed to go with her on those occasions? (This is the only "giving 50/50" egalitarian "compromise" in this situation.)
Would she expect you, once you entered the alternate week meeting attendance arrangement, to begin increasing meeting attendance? (In other words, would she expect the "compromise" on your part to increase in her favour?)
Would it be SO bad if you both just negotiated that religion in your relationship is a no-fly zone, and that she can attend meetings to her heart's content, and you can be absent from meetings to your heart's content? (This, too, is an egalitarian compromise, that does not require anyone to do something they do not wish to do, shows mutual respect for the individuals involved and does not impose one's will on the other person. IMO, this would be the most "fair" circumstance.)
Why is it so important for her to impose her will on you, when you have no wish to impose your will on her?
Love, Scully
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Sassy
Because meeting attendance is not something you do for your spouse, it is about being a JW and doing it because they say Jehovah says you do. It is about "YOUR" worship. It has no value if you do it for someone else. She should not ask you to do it for that reason.
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Happy Guy :)
Since there are no ulterior motives here TJ, I have thought about some of your comments. I hope you are able to work through this with the Mrs. I am not sure if I can contribute anything but made the effort anyway.
One of the fundamental keys to a successful marriage. Doing stuff you wouldn't ordinarily do... stuff you don't and wouldn't ever do by nature, but you do it because you're married to this particular person.
I don't agree with the nuances of the above statement.
I made a comment in an earlier thread that is (in my opinion) more appropriate:
The truly defining element that indicates love is whether or not a person would be willing to sacrifice their own interests for the betterment of the other.
If she is asking you to go to meetings, would you be making the sacrifice for her betterment? No, as her position in paradise is irrelevent of whether you attend meetings. If you were to attend, you would not believe anyway and would still be doomed at Armageddon.
If going to meetings makes you worse off (which you may very well feel) and, in your opinion, you are better off by not going and subjecting yourself to a cult's meetings. She should be willing to accept this for your betterment.
This is a matter of religious freedom.
Problem is I find JWs are very indignant if their own religious sovereignty is threatened yet, at the same time, believe they have a right to make attempts to violate others religious sovereignty through threats, coersion, deception, shunning, etc. I find most have been brainwashed to be very selfish in that regard and oblivious to their own hypocracy.
I do not envy your position TJ. Hopefully her common sense has not been totally obliterated by the WT cult.
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Eyebrow2
Everyone has different things they are willing to compromise on. If you honestly don't have an real scrupples against it, I don't think it can hurt every now and then.
I have know sisters in the past where they had an "unbelieving mate" attend meetings some Sundays, and the Memorial, etc. I think if you made it clear that you are only going for them, that would be important.
I would ask her too, if I am willing to attend the Sunday meetings, for example, what do I get in return? It is lonely being a single sister, or a married person in the hall without a partner there. Maybe she just would like you to show your face every now and then so to remind the others at the hall (aka gossiping Elderette wives and self righteous pioneer sisters) that she is not a sad lonely woman that needs a man.