by teejay 33 Replies latest social relationships
I ask the question out of a simple need to understand for myself why going to the meetings should be exempt as an area of compromise.
teejay - I think the answer lies in the answer to this question: what are your reasons for not currently attending meetings, of your own will?
That said, I still think it's wonderful that you value your marriage/partner so much that you would even consider this.
I know that I personally found the meetings to be painful, physically making me ill. I have to safeguard my own mental well-being. There is no relationship worth sacrificing my sanity for.
I'm just glad I married out of the truth... god bless the czarina...
CZAR
I guess I'm in the minority because I don't/didn't see meetings as psychologically damaging. I feel I'm stronger than that.
The thing that keeps coming to my mind is that even if you do this for her, it won't be enough. If she knows you don't believe, that alone is enough to resent you. She married someone she thought was a strong, JW brother. She doesn't have that. I'm sure she wants you to go to the meetings hoping to reinvigorate your beliefs. That won't happen. Eventually she'll realize this (that you don't believe) and your time will have been wasted.
teejay - I think the answer lies in the answer to this question: what are your reasons for not currently attending meetings, of your own will?
And more importantly (in this case) does she know about them? In other words does she really know how strongly you feel about the constant changing light, false teachings and so on? When you tell her these things does she blow you off? Does she feel the same way too?
Me and my wife have had quite heated arguments over the blood issue. If you didn't know; my sister died over this. I told my wife how I felt about it and also that our kids would be allowed to take blood if something happened and they needed it. I also told her that I was prepared to leave over this is she didn't agree to it. I certainly wasn't going to wait until a situation arrived and we hadn't discussed it already.
There are some things that I won't compromise on period! Otherwise, I let her take them to the meetings sometimes.
M'
Thanks for the responses, y'all.
Instead of answering everyone one-by-one, I'll just say that when you boil it all down, what I'm basically reading from your posts is that there are simply some things in a relationship that are beyond compromise, whether it's JW-related or something else. We all have our boundaries that are inviolate ? immune to the desires and wishes of our mate. Or our parents. Or whoever. I can live with that.
I usually get on here and banter around philosophical questions for the sake of discussion, usually pretty much already having my mind made up, but this one was seriously bothering me and I couldn't come up w/ an answer on my own. Thanks. You guys helped me.
A confession: I harbor a little guilt in marrying my pro-JW wife at a time in my life when I appeared to be a staunch JW myself. She was considered a "catch," having been pursued by brothers from three different circuits as well as a plethora of "worldly" men. She saved herself for just the "right" brother and settled on me. Now that I have become the apostate that I am today with zero interest in any aspect of my former JW-ness, I suffer an occasional feeling of having betrayed her. I could go into further detail, but that's basically the size of it.
Btw, Happy Guy... yes there is a child involved. A five-year-old. If not for her, I seriously doubt I would have even thought of the question, let alone asked it. The solution, sans children, would be all-too-easy for someone like me who already questions the validity of "till death do us part," no matter what.
Teejay,
I guess you moved the goal posts when you ceased to be a JW. Then of course, your lady wants you to go back to the meetings because she is hoping you'll be so moved that you'll resume fully-fledged JWQ activities once more. So she obviously still cares for you and has, what she believes to be the case anyway, your welfare at heart.
Tricky one to deal with.
Englishman.
The solution, sans children, would be all-too-easy
I hear ya.....
Making compromises is one thing. Compromising ones identity is quite another. No one should have to do that.
Once I discovered the abuses of the watchtower I could no longer attend meetings and still maintain my self respect. It caused a tremendous strain on my marriage though, and the marriage didn't survive.
Also, what Elsewhere said. Would she be willing to reciprocate by attending your church, if you attend one?
And is it reasonable to ask someone you love to subject themselves to the abuse of shunning by attending meetings?
You could always compromise by agreeing to go to the memorial each year though. You could always take a gulp of wine. It could help ease the pain of listening to the talk.
Walter
in my 18 years of what I would call a "successful marriage and relationship"; I would say that there is NOTHING which cannot be negotiated.....
I agree with Stinky.
I'm sure she wants you to go to the meetings hoping to reinvigorate your beliefs. That won't happen. Eventually she'll realize this (that you don't believe) and your time will have been wasted.
I'm betting your wife wants you there for more than just your company. Why delude her into thinking there is hope that you will return to "the fold?"
You could be enabling her in delusional thinking if you attended the meetings with her.
What a dilemma. I am relieved not to be in this dilemma. My jw marriage ended in divorce. I'm better off and I guess he is, too. He's very irregular at the meetings, inactive and is lonely though. It's what he wanted and I hope he'll end up happy eventually.
