Obligations to Friends (page 4)

seeitallclearlynow

Yes pettygrudger, I see it that way too.

StinkyPantz

PG-

You are very wise..

If it's being taken advantage of, or if it's lopsided for as long as the relationship has lasted - then that's not really a friendship....that's an unbalanced/unhealthy relationship. For which one could only dive into themselves to figure out why they are participating in it.

I have had so many lopsided friendships lately that I am very timid about pursuing any more or even maintaining the ones I have. That sounds awful I know, but I have some responsibility in safeguarding my heart, do I not?

kitties_and_horses_oh_my!

I've felt obligated to friends before, only to eventually realize that was a warning light that it wasn't a true "friendship" but more likely I was being used. In a true friendship the relationship see-saws back and forth, and sometimes you honestly don't feel up to helping out, but you do anyway b/c you love that person and sincerely wish for their happiness and peace even above your own. But if it goes on for years and you only give and give - then I feel obligated - and I get resentful after awhile, and that is poison for a relationship.

frenchbabyface

Well actually I do not put any etiquet on anyone
the people I calling my friends are those that I've shared a lot with (good or bad - and even if they haven't been that good for me) just because I know them and that I am able to understand them a little bit more than those I don't know (weird way to see things I know) ... Also I don't feel any obligation to friends (it's all about the WHY'S). And I can be moved by anyone (even unknow to me) it comes out like a friendy feeling (everyone does)

People do change (good side, bad side), tomorow is an other day.

pettygrudger

I have had so many lopsided friendships lately that I am very timid about pursuing any more or even maintaining the ones I have. That sounds awful I know, but I have some responsibility in safeguarding my heart, do I not?

Nope - that's not awful. To be honest, I've been dealing with the same thing myself with a couple of individuals I call *friend*. The relationships started out as a positive one, mutual, but as time progresses, it appeared that I was not really *liked* persee, but was able to fill a role for another person. I've always had a tendency to *fall* to fast in love - be it with my choice of partner, or my friends. Friendship, in a perfect world, shouldn't be rushed into any more quickly than when choosing a partner - it takes time to let the relationship grow & develop. And just like a choice of a partner (who should really just be your BEST friend w/some sex thrown in) - if the relationship is unhealthy, it should be let go. But, with the whole *instantaneous* thing thrown in, the emotions have already become entangled & it's hard to see the friendship for what it is. And once the eyes have opened, it hurts.

I read somewhere (can't remember the book) that we as adults try to reconstruct old unhealthy relationships in our choice of mates/friends - sub-consciously trying to now make that relationship work out the way we wanted it to in with the original relationship - the original "hurt". As time progresses, and sub-consciously we find that we CAN'T do it, we feel the same type of pain, anger, frustration & at times betrayal.

I *think* (not quite there yet myself) that I chose these friends out of a life long need to protect & save others. I AM a consumate "enabler" due to my own life's experiences, and quite naive about people in general. So, with these friendships, I rush in head first to "help" and protect. That's NOT a healthy relationship, for myself or the person I'm "helping".

Not that I'm there myself. Because the next time a "connection" is made with another human being, I'll go through the same process. Wisdom comes from learning - and I'm such a moron I can logically know EXACTLY what's going on & emotionally still not be able to do a damn thing about it.

gypsywildone

PG,

There used to be this wild woman that came on Oprah, her name was something Ilyanah VanZandt or something. She would say that when you hang around "crazy", it becomes YOUR reality. Next time you see "crazy" coming down the street, cross the street! You deserve to have healthy people around you.

You can fall victim to "emotional vampires", people that just suck you dry! Your time, your resources, whatever they can get out of you. Once they start acting up, you can distance yourself & move on.

Fleur

oh yes, gypsywildone, that is a very good point!!! I have in the past because of my high tolerance for abuse (jw grooming and all) been subject to the whims of those emotional vampires. Now I expect that my friends are going to treat me with respect, and for those who are real friends I will do anything in my power to help them. There are some people out there who say they want to be your friend and are only looking for the next scapegoat to replace the one that just finally escaped their clutches LOL.

I am very selective about who I call my close friends. There aren't a whole lot of people who've earned that status in my life. Once bitten, twice shy. Many people are more...friendly aquaintainces. But once someone is a close friend, I am loyal, and have a long memory for kindnesses that they show. And I do all I can to help folks out, whoever they are, whenever I can.

Wonder where Iyanla went? I liked her. She made a lot of sense.

hugs

essie

p.s. one of my favorite Dr. Phil quotes is "Real friends are walking in when everyone else is walking out." I guess that is the real test of friendship; who is there for you when things aren't fun or pretty. Those who stand by you are the ones worth keeping. And if you stand by someone in a situation like that, then you make yourself into a friend worth keeping, too.

gypsywildone

That's exactly what I have found out in life Fleur. I used to think kooky people were "interesting", now I cross the street. Fast. I don't accept them into my life. Not at my home, in my home via my computer, or on my phone. Fool me twice, shame on ME!

I find myself wanting to spend all my spare time with my sweet family & a few really good friends, no hangers on, people I have to make small talk with or listen to their whining. I don't have time for people that make their own problems, then try to drag me into them.

Obligations to Friends

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