I Need Some Serious Help Please !!!!!!

by Peterpanippleskin 101 Replies latest jw friends

Peterpanippleskin

First of all, I am not a JW and I never will be, for my own reasons that I need not discuss further. However, I have a brother who is a JW and there is a serious problem that he is struggling with, which pertains to his horrible marriage, abusive wife, divorce and being "kicked out" of JW as a member... or whatever JW'S call it.
He has been married to a woman for 22 years. He divorced her once (7 years ago) and then, because of his JW beliefs, he remarried her. His wife is one of the worse abusive persons I have EVER known in my entire life, and I am 40 years old. Him and his wife have been in marriage councelling for a long time, trying to work things out, but with no progress. He is NOW, finally, going to divorce her. However, because of the JW beliefs, he believes that he is condemned because he will be divorcing her. I would like to explain some of the abuse that he has put up with for the past 22 years:
She uses vulgarity of the worse kind, calling him a mother fucker, a cock sucker, a bastard, a son-of-a-bitch, and she even uses these vulgar tones toward their only daughter who is NOW 18 years-old. His wife has been doing this EVER SINCE shortly after their marriage. His wife has been known to use these vulgar inflamatories toward him RIGHT IN PUBLIC at places like, Pizza Hut, McDonalds or any place she chooses... whenever "he pisses her off."
It doesn't take much to piss her off. She rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for her own actions. If he "fails" to do what SHE thinks he should do, she comes un-glued and the abuse begins. For example: one time, in a parking lot, she mistakenly got into the wrong vehicle because it looked like their vehicle. She waited for him to come out of the store, which he did, although he went to their vehicle and waited for her. There she sat, in someone elses vehicle, until the owner came out and there she was. Now, because she was embarrassed... she located her vehicle and climbed in. However, my brother was back inside the store trying to find her. Finally, he returned to their vehicle and she let him have it with endless vulgarity that anyone passing by could hear ...and it gets MUCH worse than that.
His wife attacked their only daughter when their daughter was 16 years-old, for not picking up after herself. His wife slammed their daughter down on top of a glass coffee table, which shattered as their daughter crashed though it, and she lay on her back on the floor with her body through the coffee table frame ontop of thousands of pieces of shards of glass. While bleeding, his wife began beating their daughter and swearing at her until SHE decided she was through beating her.
His wife throws empty pop bottles at my brother, which just recently, one hit him in the face and broke his nose and smashed his glasses. His wife throws KNIFES at him! She also beats on him whenever she sees fit to do so!
This woman will NEVER change. My brother has NEVER beaten her, nor does he use any vulgarity against her. He is going to FINALLY divorce this bitch once and for all... but he remains a JW, for his own reasons, yet he believes that it is an act of condemnation for him to divorce under the JW belief.
COME ON! ??? You have to be out of your mind if JW believe that divorce from an abusive wife, as I have LIGHTLY described, is an act of eternal condemnation! But according to my brother, whom has spoken with the JW "pastor" several times (or whatever JW'S refer to them as)... that he IS, in "fact," going to be condemned and "kicked out" of the JW kingdom hall "thing" that JW'S belong to.
??????? Can SOMEONE explain to me HOW this is possible?
Can ANYONE explain to me WHAT alternative there is when a man is married to a bitch like that, who SHOULD BE in jail, or possibly even PRISON for what she does... and HAS DONE????
It is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous that ANY religion or religious belief would "condemn" someone for divorcing a woman who is as abusive as his wife is... and always will be. Therapy, councelling, medication, JW "church" and it's religion and support group have NEVER changed this woman or stopped her from abusing him or their daughter. NEVER!
I need answers!!!!!! I almost DEMAND answers!!!! If THAT IS what JW'S believe... and if he IS condemned...
Someone needs a reality check... and it isn't me!
Please HELP me to either understand... OR, will SOMEONE tell me that he is wrong and that divorce IS warranted under this circumstance... and that he will NOT be condemned. If no one can tell me that....... something is very wrong and goofed up with the JW belief system.
PLEASE do NOT write a bunch of JW quotes from your bible. I need "laymen" language and "laymen" answers. I need to know WHY.
WHO-WHAT-WHEN-WHERE-WHY-HOW: I need to know WHO is wrong- WHAT is incorrect-WHEN-WHERE-WHY-HOW anyone should suffer and accept abuse or possible death just so not to divorce from an abusive wife in the "name of" religion???
Thank You.
Mulan

First of all, most of us are ex Jehovah's witnesses, but we can still help you and give you advice for him. We won't likely be quoting their Bible or their publications either.
She sounds like she is Bi-polar, and really needs professional help and medication.
According to JW teachings, you can separate if you are physically or spiritually endangered. Of course divorce is warranted, legally, but if he divorces her on those grounds, he won't be able to remarry, according to them.
Does he want to remain a Jehovah's witness?
lisaBObeesa

Hello.....I am very sorry that your brother has suffered with this abuse for so many years! How awful. And indeed, the JWs often encourage people to stay with abusive spouses.
Oh, and before I go further, I should mention that almost everyone one on this site is EX-Jehovahs Witness.
While JWs believe that marriages should stay together, they will tollerate separation or divorce in cases of abuse. They may encourage the victim to stay, but if the victim chooses to go, the JWs will not disfellowship the victim for that.
However, the victim is NOT free to re-marry unless their ex-spouse sleeps with someone else. Period.
My mother left my abusive father. The JW Elders didn't like it, but accepted it. However, she could NEVER remarry someone else (Dad would never tell her if he had been with someone else...so 'in the eyes of God' the JWs believe the marriage is still binding.) She lived like that for some time and then one day decided to get married again. The JWs disfellowshipped her.
Tell your brother he is not sinning by separating from this abuser....even by JW rules.
I am sure someone will come up with some documentation from the JWs that you can show him to ease his mind.
You will need that: JW documentation that it is ok to leave an abuser.
-LisaBOBeesa
formerout

Peterpan,
I can feel for your brother. My ex was never physically abusive, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She made several false allegations to the police about me until I finally realized I had to leave. (We both left the religion about 8 years ago.) Your brother is at that stage too, in my opinion.
As far as the JW rules go, I don't know if they have lightened up in recent years or if Mulan's comment is still bang on. Their belief structure and rules are insane, as you have seen. They also discourage people from going to the police, but is there any way that your niece could be convinced to go with your brother to a counsellor and discuss that they have concerns about her mental health? Possibly they should even charge her for the assault on your niece. When the shit hits the fan she might snap and do something even more drastic if she has not been dealt with criminally.
I agree that she might be bi-polar as well. I believe my ex is too, but getting her to go to a doctor to find out has been impossible so far.
The best case scenario for your brother is if you can convince him to leave her nd the religion, but it would have to be done subtly it seems.
Keep us informed as to what has happened or if any of this advice is not relevant.
Brad
Satanus

It's hard to remove stigma of divorce from his mind. It's part of the wt programming, and he is probably holding onto wt doctrines w all his strength. If they have been seeing a counciler, then he has probably heard that he should leave her.
Maybe you can use the wt doctrine of 'spiritual endangerment' on him. Maybe you can show him that her swearing and abuse is spiritual endangerment, that is, it is harmful to his serving the wt god, jehovah.
S
Elsewhere

Why isn't she in prison for assault?
I would have called the cops on her ass so fast it would make her head spin.
Peterpanippleskin

Thank You for responding so quickly:
Yes. He would like to remarry... someday. He feels that he has not had the opportunity to marry someone who is loving and affectionate or fair to him in his life.
His wife is currently on medication for bipolar disorder, so you are correct about that. However, it has not helped and she has stopped seeking councelling, except when he brings up divorce each time... which includes this latest episode of telling her that he is going to file for divorce. Her response is: I must be a terrible mother and wife. As well as, quoting the JW regulations in an effort to keep him with her, as though what HE is going to do is sinful... and not what SHE is doing, as in, HE is at fault and not her. It is only going to keep the abuse perpetuating and possible the death of my brother while she continues to throw knives, bottles, pans, glass dishes and the alike at him. It is absolutely INSANE for him to stay married to her... and that he can never remarry without being "condemned" or disfellowshipped.
Thanks for your reply.
Peterpanippleskin

Thank You for responding so quickly:
He would like to remarry... someday. He feels that he has not had the opportunity to marry someone who is loving and affectionate or fair to him in his life.
His wife is currently on medication for bipolar disorder. However, it has not helped and she has stopped seeking councelling, except when he brings up divorce each time... which includes this latest episode of telling her that he is going to file for divorce. Her response is: I must be a terrible mother and wife. As well as, quoting the JW regulations in an effort to keep him with her, as though what HE is going to do is sinful... and not what SHE is doing, as in, HE is at fault and not her. It is only going to keep the abuse perpetuating and possible the death of my brother while she continues to throw knives, bottles, pans, glass dishes and the alike at him. It is absolutely INSANE for him to stay married to her... and that he can never remarry without being "condemned" or disfellowshipped.
I did not realize that those in this forum are ex-JW... which begs more questions:
How did you manage to "escape" without feeling condemned or disfellowshipped?
Are you STILL ...in your mind, a JW but an ex-JW due to other circumstances? or,
Are you literally NOT a JW anymore?
Thanks for your reply.
Elsewhere

he can never remarry without being "condemned" or disfellowshipped.

I have an aunt who divorced her abusive husband and remarried.
Yes, she was DFed and shunned for it, but she "served her time" and was reinstated. She and her new husband now attend meetings together.
Mulan

I did not realize that those in this forum are ex-JW... which begs more questions:
How did you manage to "escape" without feeling condemned or disfellowshipped?
Are you STILL ...in your mind, a JW but an ex-JW due to other circumstances? or,
Are you literally NOT a JW anymore?

My husband and I gradually faded, and are not disfellowshipped, but expect to be one day.
We are not JW's in our minds, or anywhere else. We don't believe any of their teachings anymore.
We are literally NOT JW's anymore. Oh, happy day.

I Need Some Serious Help Please !!!!!!

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