For those of us with active JW parents

JustTickledPink

There seem to a commonality around here about active JW parents shunning us.

My question is: If your parents weren't a JW, do you think they would be normal, act kindly, be a real parent to you? Or would they still be cold and callused towards you, controlling, etc.

My thought is this, so many times I used to think I wish my mom wasn't a JW because then I thought she would be this wonderful caring mother that I could go to lunch with, share shopping days with, recipes, and we'd be close. We would be best friends, if only she wasn't such a devout JW. It was a fantasy ideal world with my ideal mother.

But then I realized that even if the JW thing went away, I think she'd still be the bitter, frustrated, controlling, and mean spirited person she is. I do think her personality is what the problem is. The religion compounds it and gives her a REASON in her mind to justify her actions.

But I do believe if real parent loved their child, they would love them unconditionally. I realized that when I got my dog. She's just a little poodle and I love her to death, but when she has an accident and poops or throws up on my brand new carpet I don't kick her or yell at her or quit loving her. She's just a little dog, I look after it. If I am capable of doing that, then my heart must be different than my mother's heart. I do believe that the real reason they are the way they are isn't because of the religion, but rather because of their heart.

Sassy

Definately my mother would treat me better if she wasn't a JW. Now she can't treat me like a normal family member for she would feel guilty towardt the WTS. We were very close before I stopped being a JW.

Flowerpetal

From a mother's point of view:

I am now fading from the organization, but even during the past few years, when I was active, I had decided in my heart, that my two children, who are now 26 and 19, who I carried in my womb for 9 months, and Ifor whom I cared and loved while they infants, children, adolescents, that I would always love them unconditionally. I am so thankful that I didn't bow to the pressure to get them baptized at an early age. I left that decision up to them, figuring that when/if the time was right, they would do it on their own. So far, neither one has taken that step. They stopped going to meetings for many reasons and I could tell they were bored at the meetings, especially if we studied at home, and then came to the meetings and heard the stuff all over again. They were too smart for that. BUT if they had gotten baptized, and did something that had caused them to be d'fd., I would still embrace them. IMHO, a REAL mother wouldn't let go of those bonds ever for her children, no matter what they did.

The older one has a bachelor's degree and is thinking of going back to school to get her master's and my youngest is in college.

Jankyn

JTP,

I actually got some emotional relief when I realized that being a JW was not the sole source of my mother's problems. Hard to explain, but I think that, even were she to free herself from the Borg, she'd still be a pessimistic, depressed, manipulative person with low self-esteem.

I think the JW teachings just exacerbate her underlying problems.

And I also think that it's the basic problems in my entire family--alcoholism, depression, low self-esteem, long history of family violence--that attracted them to the teachings of the JWs back in the '40s. They were predisposed, by their own dysfunction, to find that way of thinking attractive. And of course, the JWs just keep confirming them in their behavior.

At least I've gotten free, as have my brothers.

Jankyn

itsallgoodnow

I think I know what you are saying. I used to think that if only they never joined the JWs, we would have been such a great family, but I don't think so now. I've started to understand that there were major problems with my parents going way back before either of them became witnesses. They are so controlling it's not funny, and if they can't control you, they don't want you around.

I just think the rigidity of the JW religion appealed to them, and they knew they would never have a problem with shunning. That, and they always need to have guarantees about everything which the JW religion so aptly provides. Of course, these guarantees aren't worth the paper they are printed on, but at least they give that warm & fuzzy feeling.

jgnat

I am sure there are many parents where the JW religion provides a convenient excuse to be negletful or abusive.

I also, believe, though, that the very structure of the organization leads to a certain distance in all relationships. How can you develop an enduring bond with someone who you might, someday, have to shun...or who might just shun you?

I have also seen warmhearted people in the organization who would drop the shunning in a flash, if they felt it was excusable. Also, there are liberal JW's who take the "conscience matter" to heart, and bend the rules as much as possible to allow warmth in their family circle.

Bryan

Pink,

I'm sure my father would still be the same.

Thinking of you dog, though,and how you love him... I imagine if your mother's dog pooped on the carpet, she would treat it better than you.

Isn't that odd. The family dog, most likely, gets better care than us.

Bryan

Have You Seen My Mother

BrendaCloutier

Sans the shunning, my parents would likely be the same. My mom is the strong one in the HH but she respects my dad. He's the happy one and she's the martyr. She's a chronic compulsive cleaner. They were both distant but loving in their own ways. On of the things that always irritated me was they would say "we love you" and more often "we love you, but" very conditional. Never "I love you". Oh well, I've accepted that as their way.

My parents are 87. My mom the eldest of 12 and my dad the youngest of 13. They met and fell in love in highschool. My mom never worked outside of the home, so my dad was always sole breadwinner. He was in lumber before he enlisted as a merchant marine during WWII, where he learned his trade as an electrician.

My mom ran the house, my dad brought home the paycheck.

I've been able to rekindle a relationship with them. Amazing enough. I think I'll go over today.

Hugs

bren

amused

Pessemistic, depressed people, manipulative people seem to be attracted to the WTS because they share the same worldview. Thus, I believe that while the WT lifestyle may exacerbate the problem, it does not necessarily cause it. I know JW's who are upbeat, my mother is not one of them.

JustTickledPink

My mother was already depressed and seemed very hopeless when she left her child and decided to hitchhike across Canada because she was that depressed and was wandering aimlessly. Suddenly "Jehovah saved" her and a guy picked her up and witnessed to her and gave her the "truth" book back in 1973, she was baptized in 1974 and has never quit.

But she was already depressed, feeling hopeless and had abandoned my older sister at this point.

I don't blame it all on the JW's is what I am saying, I blame her for her decisions and actions as a mother.

For those of us with active JW parents

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