ExJW's Make Better Lovers?

by COMF 42 Replies latest jw friends

  • larc
    larc

    Comf,

    That was a really good subject you brought up, and it does point out a real dilema for people. I didn't get my thoughts in yet, so here's my story. My wife and I were married in the Kingdom Hall and immediately faded away. We have been xJWs all of our married life. We have had ups and downs in our marriage, and most of the downs were my fault. I think that having come from the same background and having survived it together gave us a common bond that helped us overcome the crises in our lives. I don't know what life would have been like if I had married someone who did not share my heritage. I do know that when my wife and I try to explain our background to other people, they simply don't get it. I think it would be difficult to live with someone who didn't get it, unless they cut you a lot of slack, e.g., time on this board, etc.

  • thinkers wife
    thinkers wife

    Comf,
    Excellent question. And one that all of us who have been JW's and been seriously affected and are single will have to face at some point.
    Before I met Thinker, I got into a serious relationship with a non JW. He showed absolutely no interest in the JW thing. He basically said, "so it's in the past, forget about it. Move on. Let it go." He had no clue how it was going to affect my future and my emotions, and really didn't care. Red flags started going up. I broke it off.
    I tend to be a very frank person. I also knew that my background was going to affect my life, whether I wanted it to or not. That relationship was in the very beginning stages of my leaving, I hadn't even da'ed myself yet.
    When I met Thinker, I informed him of my background very early on. I also explained, that when I da'ed myself what the results would be. This began his journey of researching every bit of information on JW's that he could find. IMO, he has the best understanding of the JW mindset of any worldly person I know. I can never express how much this means to me. Through all the ups and downs he is there emotionally and intellectually with regards to the effect the religion has had in my life!!
    It may be different for others but for me it was important that my partner make an effort to "get it".
    BTW, Thinker introduced me to the Prophet, and the passage you quoted is one of my all time favorites from that book.
    The most important thing in a relationship, is communication and deep love and comittment. IMO, when you have this sexual ecstasy is a natural follow up.
    And yes the neighbors definitely need a cigarette Comf!
    TW

  • Mommie Dark
    Mommie Dark

    COMF asked: "So, everybody... ugh, the awful delimma: do I look for an exJW lady in a distant location and try to make a long-distance relationship work? (warning buzzer rings insistently) Or, do I look for a woman with all that self-esteem/honesty/love-of-life stuff, who nevertheless will never understand the JW aspect of my life?"

    Mommie's advice:
    QUIT LOOKING!

    Love tends to find us when we are busy living our life and have no time or energy to 'look' for more things to fill it up.

    I was going about my business, raising my sons, working at a job I liked, learning to be self-sufficient outside the cult, developing a support system and a good social life for myself and my kids... and even wrote in my journal that I was getting the hang of the single-woman life and learning to enjoy it...and that's when Papa entered my life. (Papa was never a Jdub but he was raised with born-again holyroller Pentecostal ministers in the family, so he knows fundamentalism, and that has helped him to empathize. His interest in Jdubdom and cult recovery is minimal but that has never gotten between us in any way.)

    Be warned: Love can shake life right to its foundation. It can literally change your world. Although there is transcendent joy in finding your 'other half' there is also tremendous work involved in keeping that relationship vital. Religious past history is a speed bump, not an obstacle, if the love is true.

    My advice: quit worrying about it and just do whatcha do with verve and style. If there is a love out there with your name on it, it'll find you, probably when it's least convenient for you to get it.

  • larc
    larc

    Mommie Dark,

    Those are words of wisdom. Comf should print them out and tape them to the mirror in his bathroom.

  • COMF
    COMF

    Thank you, MD! This topic has naturally been in my thoughts a lot here lately, because my former live-in and I have gone our separate ways (it was an amicable split, by the way), and I'm considering my options. Behavior toward the opposite sex that would have been deceitful before is now not only legitimate, but imperative if I want female company on my Saturday nights (or any other time). As with most everything I run across that is JW-related, I brought it up here to get a variety of comments from others in order to get a well-rounded perspective from their views and experiences.

    In retrospect, I guess it looks like I'm sending out a mating call to the ladies on the board, announcing my availability. That was not my intention (in spite of the joking that went on in that vein) and I apologize if anybody got that impression. Maybe Vennie was right that it should have been in the dating forum. That didn't occur to me, since I've never been in the dating forum before (I usually only read this one).

    I will submit, too, that I believe the situation is different for women than for men. You may have been minding your own business, but apparently Papa Dark was "looking." Even in the post-90's, after women supposedly learned that it's okay to be forward with a guy they're interested in, my observation is that it's still the guys doing the bulk of the pursuing. Know how many times I've asked somebody out? Possibly hundreds. Know how many times I've been asked out (or its functional equivalent)? Three. If a man sits and waits for it to come to him, he may be sitting a very long time.

    And I know, that isn't what you were talking about. You mean to just let things happen as they will without thinking and worrying about it. So it shall be, ma'am, so it shall be. But, like getting a date, I wasn't going to get everybody's comments on this if I didn't bring it up myself. :)

    Thanks!
    COMF

    Cowboy: Oops! Sorry for the misread. Don't forget to let me know when you're coming to big D for a visit.

  • Prisca
    Prisca
    In retrospect, I guess it looks like I'm sending out a mating call to the ladies on the board, announcing my availability.

    Hmmm, COMF, does this mean you received hundreds of offers from the single ladies on this DB? Take it as a complement if they are interested in getting to know the real man behind the COMF persona!!

  • teejay
    teejay

    COMF,

    As Wasasister said to me recently, it would be like trying to understand and identify with the feelings of a holocaust survivor.

    Good analogy but not one I totally agree with. I think it's quite possible to understand another's life experiences, but first you must have "want to." While I didn't live through the horrors of the holocaust, I've seen plenty of documentaries on the times and, being human with family members I'd rather not say goodbye to forever, I think I can relate very well to their experience. I think the possibility of you meeting a never-been-a-dub woman who satisfies you in every other way is not an impossibility.

    So, everybody... ugh, the awful delimma: do I look for an exJW lady in a distant location and try to make a long-distance relationship work? Or, do I look for a woman with all that self-esteem/honesty/love-of-life stuff, who nevertheless will never understand the JW aspect of my life?

    I believe that long-distance relationships are unrealistic, for one, and terribly inconvenient in terms of time and money. I've traveled down that cul-de-sac and after all was said and done it would have been better never to have bothered. But why does it have to be an "either or" or even "both" proposition? There's a lot to be said for living your life, minding your own business and seeing what happens.

    Then too, the problem may be YOU. Don't take me wrong, but maybe the ex-JW milieu that has been so important to you for the past few years may be in need of a rest. Easy for me to say, I know, but maybe putting it on the backburner (for a while at least) may enable you to be more satisfied with those who have no JW background.

    Maybe it'll work itself out. Maybe I worry too much.

    A good friend (a fellow Dallasite, btw, and an ex-dub) and I were talking just this past Wednesday night and he made the statement that sometimes people let life come to them rather than going at life, or something like that. His point: the former don't live have as satisfying a life. I agreed.

    Worry too much? I don't think so. If something about your life is bothering you, I think you have reason to be concerned and want to do something about it. I think your concerns are very legitimate.

    I used to visit Dallas three or four times a year... two of my closest friends in all the world (formerly married to each other) live there as well as a fleshly brother and sister. It's a very dynamic city with lots of interesting people. I have no doubt whatsoever that there are women in search of a thoughtful man like you who have no interest in them other than sharing a little of yourself and making some good memories. As you know, the problem comes in having your life intersect with theirs.

    The one thing you don't want to do is limit your field of prospects, like JWs who will only marry other JWs and constantly lament the fact that "there's no one to marry" while surrounded by eligible men. You don't want to fall into the erroneous (imo) view that you could only be happy with an ex-JW. There's plenty of them there... I know some... but there's a whole lot more who have never been. It's something to think about.

    I may be there next weekend (the 21st). I've been told of a free jazz concert in downtown Ft. Worth and I haven't been in the metro since Christmas so I'm due for a visit. If I make it and you're not doing anything, maybe we can hook up... if not at the concert, then someplace else.

    peace,
    todd

    ps. Check your email... I'm forwarding the flyer my lady friend sent me about the concert...

  • waiting
    waiting

    Hey COMF,

    Sorry about Nikki - nice lady, along with you're being a nice man.

    Surrounding the vast city of Dallas - there are so many cool small towns around - Grapevine being just one of the dozen or so. I love that little town. When I was down that way - I just stayed around there - thank goodness my husband likes that kind of stuff too.

    Of course, the local restaurant with about a dozen Harley riders beside the small cafe helped him sit through drinking expresso with me......

    In all honesty - explore and have fun. As has been brought out, when you're not looking, interest has a way of showing up. You still might actually initiate the first step, however.

    If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, buy a dog. Julie Burchill

    Who got the cat?

    Btw, my husband & I are still new out of the org - it's great to have someone to talk to without explaining too much. Being men/women, we still didn't view all things the same, but at least we have the jw thing in common.

    Take care and enjoy exploring!

    waiting

  • Mindchild
    Mindchild

    I thought this was another interesting post to bring to the top.

    I have personally been involved in a romantic way with both ex-dubs and women not having any JW background. I discovered that it is much easier to develop a relationship with an ex-dub because you have such a large array of similar experiences (at least sometimes) and that assists you in developing an intimate relationship. As per sex though, while I have found that ex-JW women are HOT sexually, they don't corner the market on sexuality. Sex is one of those things that has a lot to do with personality as well. I know some ex-dub women who are extremely sexually inhibited and frigid and some ex-dub men who have their own array of sexual dysfunctions that run the enitre range.

    In short, I do think ex-dub relationships can be a good thing, a very good thing but you are only going to get out of a relationship what you put into it.

    Skipper

  • Angharad
    Angharad

    I cant believe I missed this thread the first time!

    I am seriously dead when Angharad reads this...
    You certainly are Simon

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