What happens when a JW wants to be with a non JW? PLEASE RESPOND (page 2)

jgnat

There are a few statements that mark you as a young lover, with much to learn:

I have had my fair share of horrible dates and relationships and out of them all he has been the one there to pick up the pieces.

Yes, but at sixteen, you have just hit the tip of the iceberg. There is no way you have as much dating experience as a twenty, thirty, or forty year old. So that means there is still much left unexplored.

What scares me most is when he told me "You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

This is a typical JW response. There is no such thing as casual dating for them. If you date a person, you must be willing to marry that person. It tends to rush relationships in to something far more serious, far too fast. I am warning you that this may not be a claim of undying love, but a conditioned response from what he knows about love and marriage.

I don't care for anyone else but him

Today. Today you don?t care for anybody else but him. Mature women know there is no such thing as just one. You have the potential to love many men in your long life.

I don't know how to deal with our differences. How does it work?

I have a few questions, first:

1. Has he introduced you to his family yet?

2. How committed is he to his religion?

3. To be with you risks his eternal life, according to his belief system. Is he ready, at his age, to make that decision?

First of all, you have to find out how genuine his commitment is to you. Is he keeping you a secret from his family? Is he secretly hoping you will join his religion to avoid a whole bunch of messiness on his side of the family? For him to leave his religion means cutting himself off from his entire family. For you to join the religion means cutting yourself off from your entire family.

If you try the middle road, both respecting each other?s beliefs, he still faces a very rough road from his family. You will never be accepted as one of their own. Does he have the fortitude? Do you? For a sixteen year old, three years looks like an eternity. Which is about how long I would give such a relationship to last.

I am surprised you don't know more about his faith, or him. Especially if you are contemplating spending the rest of your life with him. Start asking him some tough questions. Let him know what your ambitions and dreams are. Do they match his? I am betting you spend more time picking out your grad dress.

Valis

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx

Please read here for the best of "I am dating a JW" threads..

kristina24/7

To those who have rsponded at this point thank you and now for my answers. To: jgnat"

1. Has he introduced you to his family yet?

Not his whole family considering many of them still live in Cuba, but yes I have met his father and held many conversations to his mother and father on the phone various times.

2. How committed is he to his religion?

Honestly at times he seems he is. However we've talked about his religion and my religion alot. I think we've had discussions lasting hours. At times he seems as though he doesn't seem to want to be apart of it. Although I am scared to try to change something about him he was raised with all his life. I am not here to change him or for him to be shunned by his family. He continues to say he hates his family and then I convince him he is wrong. I know he loves his family its just he seems so fustrated in what they practice. But at the same time I know he's involved he goes to church ...well I don't think its called church but he goes at least 3 times a week and he goes to those conventions. I don't know if that's him or his family forcing him to.

Is he keeping you a secret from his family?

No. His mother, father, and many brothers/sisters know. Unfortunately his father and him have had it out.. horrible arguments with cruel comments meant to hurt a loved one. I feel horrible because I know he fights for me and sometimes I feel as though I do not do enough. So as for this comment below...

Start asking him some tough questions. Let him know what your ambitions and dreams are. Do they match his? I am betting you spend more time picking out your grad dress.

I understand where you are coming from but again I have spoken with him, and talking about religion to a 16 yeqar old who doesn't want to is hard. I have gotten into fights with him because I DO ask so many questions. Mainly about the differences in both religion, how they view eternal life, or relationships such as ours , ect. At times he would get fustrated because he would have to repeat the explainations to me so many times. One day way a looong time ago he asked " Why is this so important to you?" and I responded by telling him I will not give up on something I don't understand.

kristina24/7

sorry didn't get to finish....even though I have spoken to him I guess it just doesn't seem to be enough? We have spoken about goals and dreams. What I find ironic is I want to be in the medical field when I get older ( I am in the medical academy in my magnet school program) and the other day I read how jw don't approve of blood transfusions and such. It kind of blew my mind. I suppose any 16 year with the right mind or mentality would look at this conflict and without question let it go and move on. I've tried doing that, and he knows why I've tried letting him go. Sure I could have a different boyfriend at my school make everyone happy and not cause difficulty. He would probably eventually get over it maybe and I wouldn't cause him so much hurt/harm. But something in my heart is telling me not too.I don't know what it is but am I crazy to want to stick through this KNOWING the consequence and the future hills I'm going to have to climb? I'm sorry to be such a bother I have no where else to turn

undercover

ok I am a 16 year old female i love with a 16 year old male. lol that sounds funny since everyone thinks a 16 year old can't be in love. I understand why but let's face it now a days anything is possible. I have known him for about 5-6 years now.

i don't know if he is a baptized

You've known him for 5 years, you're in love but you don't know if he's baptized? Maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do.

You don't want to hear this, but you're only 16. You're a child. A mature child maybe, but still a child. You have much to learn, don't get bogged down in a relationship that will stunt your growth as an independant adult. That's the older, experienced person in me speaking.

Now here's the ex-JW speaking: Run. Run far away from this relationship. Do not get mixed up with someone who says they love you but can't make a clean break from their oppressive religion. You will regret the day that you got mixed up in this mess.
Even if this guy is willing to leave the religion to be with you, are you willing to be the bad guy to his family? Are you willing to be considered the worldly whore who took their God-fearing/loving son away and caused him to turn apostate and turn his back on them? It's just not worth it. He may be a swell guy, but he's in a fucked up religion and it will always cause problems in any relaltionship that he gets in that involves anyone who is not in the same religion.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

jgnat

You know what my gut is telling me will work for you two? A mature, temporary separation. Agree to go your own ways for two years, study, grow, develop as individual human beings. Set a date to get together in two years, and see if you are closer or farther apart in heart and mind.

Your boyfriend is ambivalent about his religion. That word, "ambivalent", fits better than any I know. If you don't know what it means, look it up. He shouldn't use you as an escape from his religion, he has to make up his own mind on things. From your description, he wavers back and forth. This is not surprising, nor is his father's anger, because of the great pressure that is put on young people in the organization to conform. For your mutual happiness, you must find out if he is strong enough in his own mind to walk away from this religion, or, at least, do what is best for him regardless of what the religion says.

Otherwise, you chain yourself to an automaton. And there will be nobody to hear your voice.

I am a non-JW married to one. I know what I am talking about.

xjw_b12

Oil and Vinegar do not mix.

stopthepain

you sound like my 1st girlfriend,she was a none jw,and my family was full blown brainwashed.I was on the outskirts of being a jw.I loved this girl with all my heart.I tried to both do the right thing for god{not have sex of any kind,and try to be chaperoned}My mom and congo elders did thier best to destroy our relationship.If your man starts leaning toward getting you to believe jw shit,I advise you to get out clean.Tell him unless he forgets all that crap doctrine,you can't see him anymore.I put that girl through hell,because of my anger towards my parents,the treligion ,and the world.We are still good friends now,but it will never be the same.Good luck.

STP--------p.s.,I'm 23 ,so this all happened within the last 6-7 years.

clementine

well first of all, welcome on the board! then, for your problem... i can't add a lot of things, the most important have been said... some JWs still see no-JWs after having baptised (i'm not a JW myself, but my best friend is and we still meet) but that's rare and difficult (for both)...

kristina24/7

OK I have recently talked to him. I started asking alot of questions again...which I think he expected. No he is not baptized. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I asked him if he was going to and he said "I don't know I guess." I also asked him about the whole being shunned thing. I asked what happens if a JW marries a non JW and he said nothing. That got me off track, what?. So he explained it to me, I suppose. I also asked him about being shunned or as he said it "expelled." He said it wasn't forever its just to give that person time to .. I don't know I guess reflect or see what mistake he made? That he didn't explain to well. HOWEVER he did say that his sister was expelled, or w/e, and he said his mother and family stil have contact with her... so what does this tell me?

What happens when a JW wants to be with a non JW? PLEASE RESPOND

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