My wife is joining, how do I keep her from leaving me?

by Check_Your_Premises 45 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Check_Your_Premises

  My wife is getting baptized on the 19th. There is nothing I can do or say to stop it. We have 3 children, and I am from a broken home, so I can't imagine divorcing. However I am going to want to raise the kids the way I want.

  I understand she can't divorce me unless I commit adultery. She can leave me for "extreme spiritual endangerment". I don't want to give her any reason to do that. So what I want to do is

  A. Decide what things I want to do re: myself and the children ie do I want to talk to them about my problems with the org, do I want to celebrate birthdays, do I want the children to stop going to the meetings, do I want them to go to another church with me.

  B. And present them to the elders so I can get there OK that none of the things I decide constitute extreme spiritual endangerment. And I want them to sign it.

  Any help with A or B would be appreciated.
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  berylblue

  Check, I would love to help by my experience has been that one can rarely gets straight answers to honest concerns from elders, and definitely nothing on which their ostensible stamp of approval (via their signatures) can be found.
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  Crumpet

  I'm so sorry to hear that, especially after all the ideas you had. So she just wasn't interested in your offer to attend meetings with her if she would wait before getting baptised? Well now its a case of cutting your losses. There's little you can do to get your wife back, so now you need to ensure that your kids arent damaged for life the way most of us have been, or at least limit the damage to them. Kids will at some point want to rebel against their parents so it will depend on who they choose to rebel against - your wife or you. I would be as lenient as possible as a parent. Dont put pressure on them not to go to meetings. Your wife will put pressure on them to attend. JW life is all about pressure and blackmail and guilt tripping, so the less of that they get from you (while still being a good role model as a father) the more normal life will appeal. You have to concentrate on all the things that your individual kids might find appealing about the cult and make sure that they get all those needs doubly fulfilled at home with you and your non JW family.

  How old are they? The older they are the better really, as they will already have established normal friendships and it will be less easy to break them from this, although that is what will be attempted over a long period time. If they join the JWs they will not be able to associate with worldly people - you too will be seen as an outsider andthey will be encouraged to respect you and witness to you but to all intents and purposes limit their quality time with you. Dont expect any of these things to happen suddenly - its is insidious and slow and you dont even know whats happening sometimes until its too late. You are preparing yourself excellently by being here. Also if the kids are older they are not going to want to stop celebrating christmas and birthdays just because your wife wont be involved from now on or buy them gifts.

  You said your Dad was a lawyer on another thread CYP so I would definitely get something drawn up re blood transfusions if your children are in an accident as someone else suggested.

  Just do your best to ensure the children find nothing attractive about the borg - that they will get more from life if they do not get caught up in it, but you can;t be obvious. If you tell a child not to do something then they will want to do it. The best approach is to be relaxed, let them confide in you at all times, do not forbid anything to do with the witnesses as that as what the elders want to happen- then they can say - look we told you this would happen. It is Satan trying to attack you through the ones you love etc.. if you dont do that, even though it seems natural you are beating them and their lies. If they want to attend meetings let them, but offer attractive alternatives as often as you can - picnics, days out, playing football. and if they have spiritual needs spot them and find ways to fulfill this.

  I'll let someone else speak now! Good luck - my heart goes out to you. The battle isnt lost for ever for you with your wife, just for the time being.

  (((((((CYP))))))
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  cypher50

  My dad wasn't a witness and one thing I definitely remember was that he never pushed his beliefs on me...he also stressed having an open mind and "do the dirty work yourself" (researching, asking questions, don't just rely on other people's word). Although it didn't really click when I was a teenager, the things he taught did help me to resist the feeling that I was wrong in asking questions about the JW doctrines when I did...
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  Honesty

  I would be as lenient as possible as a parent. Dont put pressure on them not to go to meetings. Your wife will put pressure on them to attend. JW life is all about pressure and blackmail and guilt tripping, so the less of that they get from you (while still being a good role model as a father) the more normal life will appeal. You have to concentrate on all the things that your individual kids might find appealing about the cult and make sure that they get all those needs doubly fulfilled at home with you and your non JW family

  Exactly my sentiments. Every JW kid I know in a split household who didn't get any pressure from the non-JW spouse is free now and every one that got the pressure is either at Bethel, pioneering or a MS or elder and you don't need that to deal with on top of the spouse being deceived by the book selling company.
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  peggy

  I wish I knew how od your children are. My mom was baptized when I was four. This was a major fight in our home. My father threatened to leave on a regular basis, which stired absolute fear of abandaonment in his children. If he wasn't threatening to leave, he was yelling about how much he hated her religion, which translated that he hated his children in our minds. He did not allow us to go to meetings which made us wonder what we were missing out on. He offered no alternative. As we became teenagers, he changed the rules and told us to go to meetings as he had no plan for directing us through the turbulent teen years. He stepped out of our emotional lives because he had no direction to give us. He offered no spiritual guides, no educational guides,nothing. We all fell into thelife of being witnesses. We have ALLstruggled because of this.

  It was this year that my father voiced for the first time how lost he felt when she became a witness. How he thought he put a fight up against it and then realized he couldn't win, so gave up. We thought he just didn't care about us! I have tremendous compasion for those raised in a divided household. Children want to love and have approval from both parents. They will spend a lifetime trying to get that approval from both of you. Under the circumstances it will cause MUCH confusion! Please try to think things through from their prospective. Give them love and affection and approval! They'll need it!
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  AlmostAtheist

  If they want to attend meetings let them, but offer attractive alternatives as often as you can - picnics, days out, playing football. and if they have spiritual needs spot them and find ways to fulfill this.

  Yep, totally agree with this. You don't have to say, "you are not allowed to go to the Kingdom hall," just give them something else to do instead.

  Especially after your discussion with her on delaying her baptism, be extremely careful not to draw up battle lines. She's emotionally tied up in this right now (or she'd be willing to delay) so she's going to run hot and cold for awhile. She may say, "I'm taking the kids to at LEAST one meeting a week and THAT'S FINAL!" Don't explode back at her. To the extent possible, let things ride. Your goal at this point is to simply not be her enemy. You are an "unbelieving mate", which is bad, but you could easily become an "opposer", which would be terrible. Do your best to make sure she knows how much you love her, no matter what faith she chooses.

  Are you going to attend her baptism? My parents didn't attend mine, and I sort of classed them as "opposers" over it. On the other hand, if you went, you'd feel VERY awkward, since you simply aren't happy for her. And you'd be planting the idea in her head that maybe, just maybe, you're thinking about joining, too. Not sure what advice I'd give, but it's something to consider.

  Good luck, CYP.

  Dave
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  stillajwexelder

  Lust be a good father and show by example how tolerant you are - so the JW propaganda will be seen to be lies eventually - do nopt force them to do anything
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  HoChiMin

  CYP

  She will long for the day you both can be in marital bliss in the new system. She will wish you were a good strong spiritual family head like the elders she will be seeing and looking up to more then you. Always hoping you will join her, however not yet being fully aware she is an outcast because she is attending meetings without you and her children.

  As to "keeping her from leaving you" you can't. She may never leave you but if any resistance to the WT cause is perceived by her or the elders from you it will give them full conscience to degrade you to her and your children. This may be of varying degrees at different times but it will happen.

  Live as you like, to walk as if on eggs every day so as to acquiesce to a cult is not a good way to live.

  HCM
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  franklin J

  My advice to you is as follows:
  

  I would NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING with the "elders"; except to greet them as you would anyone else your wife would be friendly with. Do not give them an inch in your household or marriage, Do not allow the elders of the Watchtower to dictate to you how you should be running your marriage or your household. Simply said; do not let them in or even acknowledge them.

  As for your children; you are still their father and that is the final word on their welfare; not the elders or the teachings of the Watchtower. Your wife is their mother and I am sure loves them as you do; but you must be firm about any teachings which would affect their future.

  As for your wife; the hard fact is that she will never leave you ( unless she is independtly wealthy and does not need your income) because you pay the mortgage ( or rent) and support her and her children. That economic base gives you leverage in the future of the household. If she threatens to leave you I would say "go ahead, there is the door" but would let her know that she; as the "abandoning partner" would have a hard time getting custody of your children in a court of law.

  I say rise above the banter of JW mixed marriages. Allow yourself to be tolerant of your wifes involvement; to an extent. Certainly do not fear the elders or their threats or promises. Do not validate their beliefs by allowing yourself to meet with them. Shut them down before it gets to that point. Dont forget; this is YOUR household and YOUR children. You are their mentor and legal guardian. Do not allow anyone to convince you otherwise.

  Let her go to meetings and worship as she pleases.After all, this is America and we pride ourselves on freedom of worship. However; on no UNCERTAIN terms would I allow the JW thinking to infiltrate your thinking or the future of your children ; as in sacrificing their college education or their future for preaching work or "going to meetings".

  Allow her to discuss the JW beliefs at family dinners and you can listen and offer a counter belief. This will show your children that differences can be discussed intelligently and your counter lifestyle to your wifes JW one will show the children that there is another way to live your life reasonably. This works in my home; although my wife is catholic.

  If your wife tries to force the children in field service or to meetings of which they do not want to participate; I would intervene in their defense. Most children do not want to be Jehovahs Witnesses. I know this for a fact as I was raised as one. The effects were devastating.

  .good luck, frank