My wife is joining, how do I keep her from leaving me?

by Check_Your_Premises 45 Replies latest jw experiences

  • blondie
    blondie

    Here is the official information from the WTS regarding JW wives and non-JW husbands. As has been pointed out individual elders and JW wives may "interpret" this differently.

    Jehovah's Witnesses and Education (brochure) pp. 24-25 Moral Values That Merit Respect ***

    Religiously Divided Households

    In some families, only one parent is a Witness of Jehovah. In such a situation, the Witness parent is encouraged to recognize the right of the non-Witness parent also to instruct the children according to his or her religious convictions. Children exposed to different religious views experience few, if any, ill effects. In practice, all children have to decide what religion they will follow. Naturally, not all youths choose to follow the religious principles of their parents, whether Jehovah?s Witnesses or not.

    Footnote

    Regarding children of interfaith marriages, Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D., in his book Raising Jewish Children in a Contemporary World, observes: "Children are confused when parents live lives of denial, confusion, secrecy, and avoidance of religious issues. When parents are open, honest, clear about their own beliefs, values, and patterns of celebration, children grow up with the kind of security and sense of self-worth in the religious realm that is so crucial to the development of their overall self-esteem and knowledge of their place in the world."

    Family book chap. 11 pp. 129-133 Maintain Peace in Your Household

    IF

    YOUR HUSBAND HAS A DIFFERENT FAITH

    3

    The Bible strongly counsels us against marrying someone with a different religious faith. (Deuteronomy 7:3, 4; 1 Corinthians 7:39) It may be, however, that you learned the truth from the Bible after your marriage but your husband did not. What then? Of course, the marriage vows still hold. (1 Corinthians 7:10) The Bible emphasizes the permanence of the marriage bond and encourages married people to work out their differences rather than to run away from them. (Ephesians 5:28-31; Titus 2:4, 5) What, though, if your husband strongly objects to your practicing the religion of the Bible? He may try to hinder you from going to congregation meetings, or he may say that he does not want his wife to go from house to house, talking about religion. What will you do?

    4

    Ask yourself, ?Why does my husband feel the way he does?? (Proverbs 16:20, 23) If he does not really understand what you are doing, he may worry about you. Or he may be under pressure from relatives because you no longer share in certain customs that are important to them. "Alone in the house, I felt deserted," said one husband. This man felt that he was losing his wife to a religion. Yet pride kept him from admitting that he was lonely. Your husband may need the reassurance that your love for Jehovah does not mean that you now love your husband less than you did in the past. Be sure to spend time with him.

    5

    However, something even more important must be considered if you are going to deal with the situation wisely. God?s Word urges wives: "Be in subjection to your husbands, as it is becoming in the Lord." (Colossians 3:18) Thus, it cautions against a spirit of independence. In addition, by saying "as it is becoming in the Lord," this scripture indicates that subjection to one?s husband should also take into consideration subjection to the Lord. There has to be a balance.

    6

    For a Christian, attending congregation meetings and witnessing to others about one?s Bible-based faith are important aspects of true worship that are not to be neglected. (Romans 10:9, 10, 14; Hebrews 10:24, 25) What would you do, then, if a human directly commanded you not to comply with a specific requirement of God? The apostles of Jesus Christ declared: "We must obey God as ruler rather than men." (Acts 5:29) Their example provides a precedent that is applicable to many situations in life. Will love for Jehovah move you to render to him the devotion that rightly belongs to him? At the same time, will your love and respect for your husband cause you to try to do this in a way that is acceptable to him??Matthew 4:10; 1 John 5:3.

    7

    Jesus noted that this would not always be possible. He warned that because of opposition to true worship, believing members of some families would feel cut off, as if a sword had come between them and the rest of the family. (Matthew 10:34-36) A woman in Japan experienced this. She was opposed by her husband for 11 years. He harshly mistreated her and frequently locked her out of the house. But she persevered. Friends in the Christian congregation helped her. She prayed incessantly and drew much encouragement from 1 Peter 2:20. This Christian woman was convinced that if she remained firm, someday her husband would join her in serving Jehovah. And he did.

    8

    There are many practical things you can do to affect your mate?s attitude. For example, if your husband objects to your religion, do not give him valid causes for complaint in other areas. Keep the home clean. Care for your personal appearance. Be generous with expressions of love and appreciation. Instead of criticizing, be supportive. Show that you look to him for headship. Do not retaliate if you feel you have been wronged. (1 Peter 2:21, 23) Make allowances for human imperfection, and if a dispute arises, humbly be the first to apologize.?Ephesians 4:26.

    9

    Do not let your attendance at meetings be a reason for his meals being late. You may also choose to share in the Christian ministry at times when your husband is not at home. It is wise for a Christian wife to refrain from preaching to her husband when this is unwelcome. Rather, she follows the apostle Peter?s counsel: "You wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect." (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Christian wives work on more fully manifesting the fruits of God?s spirit.?Galatians 5:22, 23.

    w88 11/1 pp. 24-25 When Marital Peace Is Threatened ***

    In

    Divided Households

    20

    Being reasonable aids in resolving marital problems between Christian mates. (Philippians 4:5) But reasonableness is also important if peace is threatened in a religiously divided household. If an unbelieving husband tries to prevent his Christian wife from serving Jehovah, she may endeavor to reason with him, tactfully pointing out that she accords him religious freedom and she should logically receive similar treatment. (Matthew 7:12) Though she is to be in relative subjection to her unbelieving husband, God?s will must be done where there is a conflict. (1 Corinthians 11:3; Acts 5:29) Surely, attending Christian meetings three times a week is not excessive. But the believing wife may find it wise to be at home on other evenings and to schedule much of her field ministry during hours when her husband is working and the children are in school. With reasonableness and good planning, she need not "give up in doing what is fine."?Galatians 6:9.

    21

    Reasonableness extends to other matters too. For example, a person has a right to practice a certain religion. But it would be reasonable and wise for a Christian wife not to place her Bibles and Bible study aids where a strongly opposed husband might object. Conflict may be avoided if such publications are kept among her personal effects and she studies them privately. Of course, she must not compromise on righteous principles.?Matthew 10:16.

    22

    If disruption of domestic peace centers on religious instruction of the children, the believing wife can tactfully arrange to have them accompany her to meetings and in the field ministry. But if the unbelieving husband and father prevents this, she can teach the children Bible principles so that when they grow up and leave home, they are likely to pursue true worship.
  • AlmostAtheist
    AlmostAtheist
    The Society condemns themselves with their own literature

    On this, you know about the Quotes site, don't you? http://quotes.watchtower.ca

    It contains tons and tons of quotes from the Watchtower's literature. Much of it can be dismissed by dubs as "old light", but a good whack of it is current stuff that shows their contradictory and cultish ways. One of my favorites is their changed publications, where they said one thing in a Watchtower, then changed it for the bound volume and/or the CD. For instance, in one Watchtower they referred to the preaching work as being completed "in our twentieth century", a veiled prophecy that the big A would hit before 2000. On the CD, that same article says, "in our day".

    Dave

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Check_Your_Premises

    What is clear to me from my discussions with my wife, is that the any fact or history about the org is irrelevant. She belongs because of how it makes her feel, and the structure and control it gives her over herself and her life. To her there is no relationship with God outside the org. It is the org or she is a speck alone on a rock hurtling through an empty meaningless universe.

    Maybe I should have been more authoritarian. Maybe I should have had all sorts of rules. Maybe I should have acted like I had all the answers. Even though no man does, it is often very comforting to people to when someone does claim such things. They dream it could possibly be true.

  • franklin J
    franklin J

    cyp,

    do not blame yourself for her choice. It is what it is.

    Let her pursue her fantasy of happiness. As long as it does not disrupt the family unity or harmony--what harm could it bring? Would you react the same if she became a Jew? Or a Muslim?

    there has been some very good advice given in the previous posts; good luck..and keep your eyes open

    Frank

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Check_Your_Premises

    Some more background info:

    She started studying about 3 years ago. Initially we went through the knowledge book together. She came to me and asked if it was ok if we did some of the things, like no holidays, blah blah blah. We married shortly before she started studying, and she had two children, who I am planning to adopt. Since then we have had a daughter.

    My children are a 12yr old girl, a 9 yr old boy, and a 2 yr old daughter. About a year ago I decided that if the kids didn't want to go, they didn't have to. I have never attended all the meetings, because I wanted to keep my head clear from all believing things just because everyone around me believed them. I figured if I didn't want to subject myself to that, why should the kids be subject to it.

    About 6 or 7 months ago, I bought COC, because I figured it was a good time to get the other side of the story. At first it was a very boring and dry read to me. I think it really means alot more to a long practicing JW to shatter all the myths about the GB. I quit reading it for awhile.

    To make a long story short, one day I finally made up my mind that I believed in God. The very next meeting was like a shock to me. I finally had a dog in the fight. I was frankly offended that they would claim such a high honor for themselves with literally no evidence to support it, a questionable interpretation of the scriptures.

    Then I picked up CoC again and got to the chapters on all the time prophecies, and became aware of the awful history of their presumptuous asininity. That finally got to the question I was really after, is this God's chosen organization? That lead me to Don Camerons book, "Captives of a Concept". I guess that book and my subsequent discussions with him made up my mind.

    How could it be true.

    Unfortunately this is all about 2 months before my wife gets dunked.

    I am supposed to look out for my family. I was naive, and my postmodern tendency to be open minded got the better of me. Grandpa would have gotten out the shot-gun the first time they showed up. I will look to God, but I must accept the consequences of my carelessness. I can only hope the cost is not to high.

    One thing I have learned is that there is a whole world of pain and misery, and there is no reason to think I should be spared any of it.

  • AlmostAtheist
    AlmostAtheist
    I am supposed to look out for my family. I was naive, and my postmodern tendency to be open minded got the better of me. Grandpa would have gotten out the shot-gun the first time they showed up. I will look to God, but I must accept the consequences of my carelessness. I can only hope the cost is not to high.

    Dude, don't EVEN blame yourself. If you came at this all energized, shotgun in hand, you'd've fueled their 'your family may even object to you learning these things' hysteria. JW's LOVE to have people say they're wrong, deride them, mock them, chase them away. Chances are excellent that your wife not only would have continued in her study, but done so behind your back with the full blessing of the congregation. Then you really would be an 'opposer'.

    There's no good way to play a bad game, but you've played it as well as anybody could. And like Frank said, if problems don't arise, then all your concerns were over nothing. There will surely be some disagreements over time spent and such, but the same could be true if she got into competitive rose-growing.

    Dave

  • diamondblue1974
    diamondblue1974
    Well as a born and bred JW I have always felt deep down that my opinions are wrong, that my advice is wrong that basically what I think isn't worth the brain cell its imprinted on. So guys, to have two people say they agree with something I have said from my heart touches me immensely and makes me feel - well valid, worth something. I just wanted to say how much that meant and sorry I didnt mean to go all mushy and emotional on you.

    Like you said in your post Crumpet, its typical of how we are meant to think as 'fine upstanding christians', it was refreshing for me too to find this site and find thousands of similar minded people.

    Heres to an increased self esteem!

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Check_Your_Premises

    Crumpet,

    I am eternally grateful for all the thoughts and prayers of everyone on this site. I am sorry they made you feel that way, but that in itself is knowledge and experience that I am finding invaluable.

    The written word has allowed us to pass on what we learn, and to stand on the shoulders of giants. Compared to all of you who know so much more than I do about what I am in store for, I feel like the little helpless child.

    Thanks for everything.

    MDP

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Check_Your_Premises

    I have often heard that one of the best ways for people to see the truth about the org is to have a bad experience. Any ideas on how I could facilitate such an experience?

  • curlygirl
    curlygirl

    CYP

    Beware that any opposition to your wifes goal of baptism will be perceived as coming from Satan. I'm convinced that the witnesses have told her that because of her choice, she has become a target. By pressuring her to NOT be baptised--------you are only aiding the JWs and their efforts to bring her into the flock.

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