How do you handle a Volitile Ex??

by Seeking Knowledge 34 Replies latest jw friends

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  beebee

  I know that my roommate's divorce which was handled in Texas gives him custody and all decision rights of their two youngest, and gives her the same rights for their oldest but both must inform each other of anything they do medically or as to school. However, their document is very specific about who can actually authorize anything but emergency treatment. I don't think it is standard wording however, theirs is a very ugly, hostile situation.

  Not all states do things the same way. My CA decree gives us joint legal, and me sole physical custody. I am told they rarely split it that way anymore in CA.
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  Seeking Knowledge

  If your ex-husband is unwilling to communicate with you regarding medical, schooling, etc. decisions then the court will re-consider joint legal custody. The court favors joint custody in situations where the parents are able to work together from what I have read.

  that's exactly what my attorney told me. We have joint custody...there are stipulations and he's bent them any way he can. He refuses to communicate with me. Did I overreact?? Perhaps, but I would talk to my ex before I took him in for any procedure he didn't agree with. In that the back thing has been an issue from day one. I don't think a kid needs his back popped or "manipulated". that being said, it may not do any harm but I don't agree with it. He has never presented me with a good reason for it being done and even my sons' doctor said it wasn't good to do to "growing bones". The point is the man REFUSES to talk to me..bottom line. I don't think he should disregard my opinions or my concerns as the boys mother....but he does!

  When I try to bring ANYTHING up to him including behaviour problems, he shrugs me off as if anything I have to say is not important. He told me last nite that he didn't care if I lost our sons spot in daycare and didn't care if I opposed things he does. He stated that when our son is with him what he does with him is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. This raises flags with me. If my son is in an accident and should require a blood transfusion or something, will he call me? I'm thinking not! Our custody agreement says I have final say on that, but if I'm not there how can I? He would deliberatly withhold this from any doctor. He does not care what the custody agreement says because he does not believe he should follow anyones rules but his own. My pediatrician is aware of the blood thing, but an ER is not, and would they be in time?? This is why I overreact!

  What he is doing is pushing the very buttons that set off my alarms...."overreacting" is all I have. This isn't the first time he's pulled this. It's almost as if he has nothing at all better to do with his life than to figure out ways to push me. I've had enough. I do react to him, and while I'd like to think I will get better, it's hard not to react when he is using my son, an obvious emotional tool!

  As respects the therapy thing, I have the same problem, everyone I talked to said my sons' father would have to sign to approve anyone to examine our son. According to my attorney, there's not much I can do about that right now. We both feel that he won't do it, and well that's just another shot foot for him. He's running out of feet!!

  I appreciate all your responses, they help. I'm just so frustrated when it comes to this idiot & his blatant disregard for the rules. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, but I do stick to the rules and I do try to do right by my son. I don't argue with his dad in front of him I don't undermine his authority when I see it happening, and I've tried to show his dad respect. It just keeps getting harder!!

  SK....
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  Honesty

  Maybe a great thing for you guys would be a divorced parenting class. Some states require them before finalizing a divorce. A good class stresses the importance of working together (without pointing fingers). It will show him that a child's parents fighting will change a child on the inside, forever, and give guidelines for maintaining good communication.

  Great idea and it is the law in Tennessee. However, it has to work both ways.

  Those evil bastards on the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses have poisoned childrens' minds with their hateful campaigns against spouses and ex spouses who want to exercise their freedom to worship as they see fit.

  It has reached a level of persecution against me and my child that I have never before seen. Yes, my child and untold numbers of other innocent children are victims of the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses and their intense hatred and intolerance of other religious belief's.

  There is good news. Court date on her contempt charge is Monday the 14th but I doubt that she or her attorney will show for the case.
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  beebee

  I've suggested to friends in hostile situations that the best thing they can do is keep a detailed notebook. I was told this by an attorney. Log every conversation, ever comment he, his wife or your son makes that may be relevant. If you are lucky, you will never need it. If you ever do need any documentation to either protect your rights as a mother, or to deny him his, that log may make you or break you.

  Did the lawyer have a good response as to how your ex can take the son for non-emergency medical treatment without consulting you, if the same is not true for you (ie. a therapist)? Is that sufficient grounds for contempt? Is it possible that a letter from your attorney reminding him of his legal obligations and that disregarding a court order could cost HIM custody and limit him to supervised only visits?

  As to the blood thing, I too am horrified that you may be right - that in the heat of a moment, he's going to stand on his beliefs, regardless of a legal document (as would you if you felt it meant your son's life). I guess you really need to know how other's with dub exes have gotten around this since I suspect few courts would view the possibility that he won't allow blood as reason to prevent him to be alone with his child. Logic says it should, be few courts seem willing to interfere with the parental-child relationship until AFTER major damage has been done.

  You can also make a call to CPS. I suspect what happened isn't enough, but it doesn't hurt to ask and it may begin a paper trail.

  Document everything.
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  bull01lay

  I honestly feel for you in this situation - I've been struggling with my ex girlfriend now for close to 5 years.

  I'm hoping I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - things are going along stiffly, but without incident for the past year or so...

  Patience and kindness have won out in the end for me... to the point where I now get extra access to my little girl (so long as it's helping her mum out in some way), but it's extra time all the same, and I grab it with both hands.

  I did all of my ranting and raving in private, at home - I never once let her provoke me into a slanging match or worse, enduring verbal insults, physical attacks, and endless lies at court, knowing that eventually the 'justice' system would get my daughter and I back together. I was also advised by my solicitors never to complain about my ex's behaviour in court, as there are too many 'acrimonious splits', and judges get tired of hearing people bitch about each other.

  Patience paid up for me when my ex needed help, and I supported her as much as possible, even to the point where I have had a clumsy apology out of her (without actually saying sorry!) - she admitted that all the aggravation and pain was purely about hurting me, and that it wouldn't happen again.

  I couldn't have done it without the help of my wife - talking me down when I wanted to go round and practice the violence I'd been accused of; lifting me up when I felt that it would never end, and understanding when I had to go and help an ungrateful ex, without once questioning my motives or faithfulness.

  I hope the brief description of my experiences gives you a bit of hope, please feel free to PM me if you wanna talk, rant etc

  I hope your situation gets better for you too!

  Sincerely,

  Bull!
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  hopelesslystained

  Documenting in an organized way, ie date, time etc is your best friend and argument. Plus remaining the reasonalble one may help, in my case it made no difference, it was all about who made accusations first. That is with the legal community and the jw community. I found that doing what was accepted as "right" had no bearing on the situation. Talking and reasoning with your son will work. He will learn from you as after all, you are his Mother! Trust that what you do and say now will have a profound effect on him. Even if you do not see it now, you will in the future. Communication in a resonable and calm manner with your son will reward you when he decides to make 'his own conclusions' on what is going on. Trust yourself and your love for your child.
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  beebee

  hopelessly, you said:

  Trust that what you do and say now will have a profound effect on him. Even if you do not see it now, you will in the future. Communication in a resonable and calm manner with your son will reward you when he decides to make 'his own conclusions' on what is going on. Trust yourself and your love for your child.

  All I can say is that you are soooo right! My girls are now 16 and nearly 18 and they now know, despite the fact their father still rants on periodically, which parent was reasonable and stable and loving, and which parent was the jerk. I never told them he was an ass; it is a conclusion they reached on their own.

  SK, continue to be the loving and nuturing mother I am sure you are and your son will know it. As he gets older, he'll figure out who is reasonable and loves him unconditionally.

  I remember the early years, the hell. The most memorably painful moment - the day I was crumpled in the corner in a fetal position, sobbing hysterically as my 2 year old said "mommy, daddy doesnt' mean to be so mean." I hadn't told her who was on the phone, she just knew.

  Best wishes.
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  hopelesslystained

  oh, beebee, I so understand what it is like to be there, not once, but many times. You are strong to have made it through and your children now understand. It is unforgivable what some parents will put their children through for their own selfish reasons.
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  Seeking Knowledge

  Wow...you guys are awesome....really the input is appreciated. I went to get my son this evening and the entire clan was in the living room waiting for me. Usually they scatter like cockroaches (no joke) but today, they were all there. They were nice, engaging me in small talk, but nice. Except the wife, you can almost cut the animosity with a knife when she sees me. I collected my son & I went on my way. First thing he said to me when we left the house was "Mom, I don't want to go see my dad" and that just breaks my heart. I told him that his dad loves him and loves to spend time with him, but for now he was going home, we'd see his dad later.

  Trust that what you do and say now will have a profound effect on him. Even if you do not see it now, you will in the future. Communication in a resonable and calm manner with your son will reward you when he decides to make 'his own conclusions' on what is going on. Trust yourself and your love for your child

  I have moments of calm, when I think it will be alright, when I think that my son will be ok thru all this, and I have a moment of peace. It never lasts, always in the back of my mind is the question "what will he do next?" I try not to let it ruin my time with my son, and I am making an extra effort to make sure no matter what, he knows his mom & dad love him. Mostly I make plans for us to do things.

  I do keep a journal by the way, since his father left us...every word, every action...everything. When we went to our custody settlement, the judge said "I'm not interested in what he did in the past". I still keep the journal, she sure will be interested in the present!

  Thanks again all...my heart is soothed a bit!!

  SK

  and I forgot to add....my heart goes out to all of you in the same position. Like you said to me, keep your chin up & trust yourselves and your kids will be the better for it!!
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  Scully

  I hope that, for the sake of your child, the two of you can come to some kind of resolve to be cooperative co-parents. Your son will end up paying for it later on if you don't.

  Just because you are no longer together does not give your ex the right to do stuff on a whim with your child without your knowledge or consent. As the custodial parent, you are the one that has the right to make the final decisions, particularly where health matters are concerned. It's a courtesy if you were to consult him, but ultimately the court has given you that right to make the decision.

  It is definitely unfair to your child to be put in the position of his father's I-know-how-to-piss-off-your-mother tool. Using a child (even if he has the child's best intentions at heart - which in his own weird way, I suspect he does) as a way to provoke you is an extremely passive aggressive attack.

  I had to laugh at the excuse for not taking your son to daycare - he's allergic to cats?? There are cats at daycare?? That's gotta be one of the worst excuses I've ever heard.