How do you handle a Volitile Ex??

by Seeking Knowledge 34 Replies latest jw friends

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  Crumpet

  My partner has a 9 year old daughter and her mother really does deserve to be shot! And I have a hard time keeping calm when she sends emails to us which is the only way she communicates. We advised her that the little girl had head lice in December which we treated and took 5 hours going through, but which required a second treatment to fully work. We bought the shampoo gave it to her mother and explained that we'd got over 100 lice out of the child's hair, but that if she could just treat it once over the next two weeks that should resolve the problem.

  Two weeks later she had not even checked her daughters hair and the infestment was rife. We are now in March and the child still has lice. As a child I never had lice longer than a week. The mother says that treatments prescribed by doctors do not work and refuses to use them. The little girl says that her mother doesnt have time to do her daughters hair - despite the fact the mother does not work and stays home all day long doing eff all! The mother said she could not understand the point of counting the lice - the point was we wanted to shock her into some action to care for the child. So we spend every weekend mostly just treating the child's hair - not exactly quality time for any of us - only for the daughter to come back with her head crawling again.

  So at the end of our tether, my boyfriend said he would have to call social services. The mother said that she would stop contact if he did! I can bearly even think about the situation anymore because it stops me sleeping I get so mad.

  The mother has also terrified the child so that she is scared to get on a plane now. Her mother told her that the plane might blow up if she gets on one and also refuses to let us have the child's passport so she cannot come on holiday with us. The child has a panic attack when she has to fly to Scotland with us and says she's too afraid to go any further on a plane even if we could get the passport. What kind of mother poisons their child's mind that way? She doesnt want her to go anywhere or do anything. We've managed to combat together things like fear of swimming and water and parks and slides which her mother has imprinted on her from an early age, but no sooner have we broken down one fear than therev is another one. What child wouldn;t want to go to Disneyland? This one doesn't because her mother told her that there isn't any point in going until you are in your 20's and that it isnt really for children?

  So I can fully sympathise with your problem with an ex who appears not to have the child's best interests at heart. You just have to stay calm and take advice from your lawyer. We don't communicate at all except in writing, so at least we have got lots of very freaky emails from this twisted woman to take to court should we choose that path again. Just accumulate any evidence that you can, like someone else said would be my advice.

  crumpet x
• 

  adelmaal

  "Mom, I don't want to go see my dad"

  Hearing that just breaks my heart I am so sorry you have to hear that. I know you want your son to feel positive about going to dad's and you want him not to see that it bothers you that he doesn't want to go but it may behoove you to at least ask your son why he feels that way...

  I am now trying to get around the whole joint signature for my daughter to see a therapist. Certainly, if your ex can take your son to an accupuncturist you can take him to a therapist. It might help him to be able to talk to someone impartial so he can deal with the feelings he is having as a result of going between two different environments.

  You just never know what may be going on over there and he may not be old enough to put it into words for you yet. I have not yet heard back from the therapist I called on Friday (she checks messages Mon-Th but when I do I will let you know what she says.

  Hang in there mama and don't let his dad interfere with your child having adequate and consistent childcare! That's definitely crossing the line.
• 

  Seeking Knowledge

  I spoke to my daycare lady today and she agreed that he & the wife were only doing this to get to me. To make a longer story short (too late), my ex is to take our son to his daycare Friday morning, for me to pick up after work. I was looking forward to not having to go to his parents house anymore, but he asked that if he were to get off work early, could he pick up our boy then, probably around 3-3:30. I thought about it & said "sure why not" as I didn't see any problem with him spending more time with dad (getting used to him etc). Needless to say, found out that the last few weeks, he's been removing our son not when he gets off work, but shortly before lunch, disrupting our sons scheduled day and having his wife going there. He knows this was not the agreement, his wife is NOT to pick up our son. He even went to the trouble of calling me when he got off work to let me know that he would be picking him up (calling me to let me know was our verbal agreement). Why go to the trouble of calling me at 3:30 to let me know he was going to get our son if he already had physical custody of him since 12:30?? EXACTLY..... I didn't know until my daycare lady mentioned that she thought that was odd. I have to preface: I told her prior to all this that his dad would be picking him up early so she was under the impression that I knew about this. This is what sparked the latest episode of his utter & complete ignorance. He called me & told me that HE decided HE would take our son out whenever HE wanted to and HE didn't have to discuss it with me as what he does with our son on "his time" is "his business". Our agreement only states that IF he doesn't have to work then he can keep our son until I get off work, otherwise he goes back to daycare, this past Thursday he admitted that he was working on Friday. So again, "shooting foot disease" is his problem.

  IT's not about our son, never has been with him, his fight has been with me for whatever reason...and the biggest mistake I make on this is to try to reason with him. It's impossible. My attorney is out of town on vacation until later this month so I have to deal with this until then. I'm not going to fight him about Friday's until then. Give the boy enough rope and well you know the rest!! I'm a bit calmer than I was last week, but I haven't given up. I want to know why this "doctor" that did work on my boy did so without MY consent. That's another issue for the lawyer.

  Thanks for your kind words again all.....I guess the best way to handle such an idiot is to continue documenting & letting the lawyer handle it. I'll only talk to him when I have to during exchanges altho it's hard--very hard--not to react when it comes to my son.

  SK
• 

  beebee

  What do your current court papers say? About all you can do now is limit him to exactly what he is given in the court papers, ie. if it says Friday at 3pm to Sunday at 2pm, that's it! It's a tough game to have to play but certainly within your rights. Does he have the right to send someone else to pick up your child? Is that person's name on file with the daycare? If not, the daycare isn't supposed to release your child. I think it may be law that they can't release to anyone not on record, unless you (or his dad if so authorized) give permission.

  I think it's a fine line, but if the daycare contracted with YOU, then YOU are the only one who can change those records, not dad. Read your custody agreement carefully to see what he is, and is not, allowed to do. If it isn't specifically addressed, it is probably gray area.

  I will say though, that if his custody agreement says the first, third and fifth weekend, from Friday to Sunday, (or similar) and it isn't during one of those windows, he has no right to the child and can be (theoretically) arrested. I'm not suggesting you have him arrested (a very bad idea unless there is REAL reason..like abuse), but that you curb his abuse by tightening the reins.

  Once he realizes you aren't putty to be played with, he'll test it a few more times, but likely give up. It IS about power and control and he still delights in pulling your chain. Pull back, and its a whole lot less fun. Just be careful to stay to the letter of what you can legally do, and document where he breaks the rules. If challenged in court or mediation as to why the visitation time got more restrictive, tell the truth, that he abused that privilege and so you felt you had no choice. You would have rather been open and given your son as much time as possible with dad.

  That way you present the truth, a mom who wants to be cooperative, and a dad that just wants to be an ass.
• 

  Seeking Knowledge

  Once he realizes you aren't putty to be played with, he'll test it a few more times, but likely give up. It IS about power and control and he still delights in pulling your chain. Pull back, and its a whole lot less fun. Just be careful to stay to the letter of what you can legally do, and document where he breaks the rules. If challenged in court or mediation as to why the visitation time got more restrictive, tell the truth, that he abused that privilege and so you felt you had no choice. You would have rather been open and given your son as much time as possible with dad.

  That way you present the truth, a mom who wants to be cooperative, and a dad that just wants to be an ass.

  yep...that's correct!! Our papers state he returns our son to daycare on Friday morning, unless he is working then I pick up at 5 (which means he will never work another Friday again ) HE states that he can pick our son up whenever he wants to because Friday is his day (it's not) and he has the right to put his son in whatever daycare HE deems necessary (ie: the wife), which he does not.

  He's playing a game...yes...documented yes...my only recourse at this moment is to wait for my attorney to get off vacation (damn her) and I'm no longer able to accomodate his schedule and stick 100% to the custody order. I thought we could work it out, he's clearly not interested in what I have to say. As far as daycare goes, yes, I hired her, I pay her and she (the wife) is NOT on the list and is NOT allowed to pick up our son, so he IS really really not thinking about the consequences. I am not putting my son in the middle for now. I'll go with the flow for the moment...and I've got some more rope for him to hang himself with.

  I've learned with him that if I say it's blue he says it's green. If I tell him what I don't like, he does it, if I tell him I don't like it he does it. I've hoped for too long that he will get over himself and we could get along & work together for the sake of our son, but he insists on playing childish games...but now he's pissed me off for the last time...and my scottish blood is boiling....and dammit, I'm tired of his stupidity.....I don't have to put up with that anymore!! I'm not with him anymore and none of this is in my son's best interest. He's very passive aggressive and I continue to play into that. Not anymore....

  So frustrating!! SK