Not sure if I made a wrong move

by redskymedic 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  redskymedic

  Hi all . . . I posted here a bit a while back. Quick background- df-ed when I was 21 (10 yrs ago), left the JW's as a single mom with a 3 yr old son. JW mom helped me raise him for the first few years, so my departure was a sticky family mess. Since then, my mom sees my son every weekend for the most part- an arrangement that they are both happy with. I know she doesn't push JW info on him, so I have no problem in that department.

  Ok, on to my issue. I am now married, my husband and daughter being roped into their shunning issues. I've admittedly never had much of a backbone when it comes to standing up to my mother, we just all went about our separate lives and I left well enough alone. Well, my mother calls this past Friday and requests to have my son for a large family dinner tomorrow night (not totally out of the ordinary). Something just finally snapped and I told her no . . I told her my family comes as a unit and I am no longer going to condone her and the family's shunning practices. I do not want my son to grow up thinking that treating ANY family member like dirt is acceptable. I am not going to have him sit at a 'family' dinner without the rest of his immediate family. Well, she was just speechless at first. Then she took the stance that I must be trying to turn her grandson against her, hung up on me, and continues to refuse my calls. Regardless of my personal feelings toward her and the JW's, I have no intention of turning my son against her. He's 12 and I doubt I could have the effect even if I tried. If she truly backs away, my son will be devastated. I am so tired of feeling walked on due to this religion, but now I'm wondering if I took it too far. On the other hand, I wonder if the silent treatment is just an attempt at her old guilt tactic. UGH. I can't believe at 31 years of age, I am letting myself still get worked up over this BS.

  If you made it this far, kudos and thanks. Any input or advice would be invaluable.

  Red
• 

  MerryMagdalene

  Sorry, Red. I just hate what their "love" puts people through, especially family. Wish I could wisely advise, but all I can really do is offer my caring and support. Sounds to me like you did the right thing for you. I used to play by their cruel disfellowshipping rules myself but no more! Like you, I don't want my child to get the idea that their treatment of DFs and DAs is acceptable to me. It isn't.

  All my best to you! Stay strong...

  ~Merry
• 

  Buster

  Don't second-guess yourself.

  Frankly, I don't think you ever should have let your son be with people that would shun you. It is going to affect how he views you and can only make raising him more difficult. I am more than a little surprised that your husband didn't put his foot down. Never let anyone drive a wedge into your immediate family - even people that used to be your own immediate family.
• 

  DanTheMan

  For your mother to expect full access to your son while she shuns you is beyond ridiculous, it is stranger than fiction. You were totally right to do what you did.
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  Elsewhere

  Very interesting... your mother demands that you respect her religious position, while at the same time denies you the very same right.

  I thought Jehover's Witnesses were supposed to be champions of religious freedom and freedoms of speech.
• 

  Kenneson

  Yes they are Else. For themselves and no one else.
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  Honesty

  I thought Jehover's Witnesses were supposed to be champions of religious freedom and freedoms of speech.

  You've got my vote. Elsewhere nailed it!

  Jw's are only champions of their own screwed up religion's freedom and the Governing Body has the only freedom of speech in the whole freaky religion.

  You did the right thing. All she is doing now is trying to appeal to your feelings which is something they, oddly enough have little of themselves. The whole hateful and unloving act of shunning anyone comes straight from Satan. I've told that to JW's when I was still being controlled by the evil people in the Governing Body. Even had a few backrom discussions about it because I refused to shun DA'd and DF'd humans. Jesus didn't DF them and the DA'd people were smart in leaving the evil Witch Tower babble and Trick Society and its demonised leaders. Bunch of nuts.
• 

  Elsewhere

  Thanks.

  Red, I suggest you point this out to her and offer her a simple, and respectful, arrangement: You will respect her rights if she is willing you respect your right to express yourself and your ideas regarding religion.

  Considering the history of how JWs have faught so hard for these rights in the highest of courts, how could she refuse?
• 

  beebee

  My family are not JWs but I too, have a controlling mom (it seems the JWs encourage that thing with parents...its my way or no way). A number of times in the past my mom has gotten angry enough at me (for refusing to put up with something outrageous she has done or because she doesn't approve of my life choices) to stop talking to me, and that, historically (at least until the 2 oldest got their own cell phones) mean not talking to my kids.

  It doesn't take long for her to miss them (not me...lol). In summary, she calls so that she can see them. I always let her.

  Her accusation that you are turning him against him is false, but understand it was said in anger. It sounds like the two of them (your son and your mom) have a good and important relationship. I doubt seriously she's going to end it based on one "no." Just give her some space and let her make the next move.

  This gives you time to decide how you want to handle this. She may pretend this never happened, or she may open up a dialog. You have a choice of letting her bring it up, you bringing it up, or letting it drop if she doesn't say a word.

  It probably makes sense to let her know that you have no intentions of interferring in their relationship and that you feel she is important to your son. This will help reassure her. You can then go on to say that you have, however, decided that it is in HIS best interest for you to make it known that you find shunning inappropriate behavior, and while your mom/family certainly have the right to behave as they choose, you also have the right to not put up with it, and as his mother, to teach him what YOU believe is right and wrong.

  You should also talk with your son to convey your values and prepare him for the similar talk he may get from grandma. He is old enough to understand. This is important. I know my mom has tried to say nasty things about me to my kids (when they were little) and even accused me of brainwashing them once because they stood by me. Once I convinced her that the kids must not be in the middle of our disagreements, she backed off of doing that.

  I think you are right when you stand by your own sense of right and wrong.

  What about your other children? Does she have a relationship with them too? It would be very weird and wrong if she somehow treats them different. Best of luck.
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  I wonder if the silent treatment is just an attempt at her old guilt tactic.

  yep...

  Question is, do you want your son growing up thinking it is okay to withhold love and support from family members when their lives do not meet your own expectations? If you do, you are telling him that the JW's are right, and you are in the wrong. You may ultimately be setting yourself up to be shunned by your own son should he, for whatever reason, join these people in some distant future.

  You did the right thing; I would not have let him have anything to do with his granny if his mom was not accepted as a member to begin with. But that's just me.

  Jeannie