Breaking ties with toxic people....

by love11 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Jez

  I have a really hard time with breaking ties with my family. I think I still and will always have this thought of 'the picture perfect' family. I see my neighbors have a ton of family over for their 2 year olds birthday and it tears me apart. I am so envious of close families. I am always thinking that if I leave, it would really fall apart, like I am some kind of bridge between them all. My mother is very distant and self centered, so it is easy to get rid of her, but others, well....I just keep thinking that family is the most important thing, but I am learning the hard lesson that in life, I have only me to rely on.

  I am sad for you, me and any others that have this kind of family....Jez
• 

  Scully

  My husband wants to leave here and I am actually thinking of moving far away and not tell anyone I'm leaving. Just sort of drop off the face of the earth.

  What a great idea. I've told my husband that next time we move we aren't informing any relatives of our whereabouts. No phone number, no physical address, no e-mail address.

  I've frikkin had it with the whole lot of them. They can all KMB.
• 

  love11

  dustin, sheila-

  It's sad that so many people can relate this. You would think that everyone would just be happy to be out of that religion. I guess the old "shunning" habits are hard to break for some.
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  blondie

  What a great idea. I've told my husband that next time we move we aren't informing any relatives of our whereabouts. No phone number, no physical address, no e-mail address.

  I've frikkin had it with the whole lot of them. They can all KMB.

  Is that Kiss My Behind or Kiss my Backside?

  I have the same feeling, Scully. But..we have to tell the in-laws and they might let it slip.

  Blondie
• 

  Scully

  Kiss My Behind or Kiss my Backside

  Yes, Blondie, you got it right. (I was thinking of using KMA, but was really trying to keep it PG rated )

  Hugs, Scully
• 

  love11

  jez-

  I think I still and will always have this thought of 'the picture perfect' family. I see my neighbors have a ton of family over for their 2 year olds birthday and it tears me apart. I am so envious of close families.

  When I'm having a bad day, it really chokes me up.

  I've had trouble making new friends because of the trust issues and that when you're getting to know people they always ask about your family. I haven't told people my "real" story- until finding this message board. It takes the nerves out of talking to everyone here because we've all been down the same road.

  It's embarrasing to say you grew up as a jw. People look at you like a freak.
• 

  bikerchic

  love11 first off welcome to JWD, I don't think I've welcomed you before this, my bad.

  Short of getting into therapy to help you learn some coping techniques I would suggest you go to a big book store one of the many chains and look in the Self Help section. There are lots of books on toxic relationships, I'm sure you'll find one that suits you and your situation best. Blondie mentioned a good one it sounds like a good place to start.

  Do a lot of reading on the subject while at the same time keeping your distance from your family. My therapist told me one reason I was so far ahead of the game in my therapy is due to all the reading I had done. I just needed some tweaking and guidance to keep me sane as I was hitting a stand still moment in my healing process. Therapy is just self help which you can do yourself for just the cost of books a notebook and pen. When you get stuck seek professional help the therapy won't take as long and you'll be amazed how far you've come on your own which will be a big esteem booster too!

  I highly suggest you don't put it off by moving away. Sure that will keep you out of their grip physically but not emotionally and what you don't heal you repeat with your own children. I'm not saying that I don't think the move is a good idea because I do, just don't neglect repairing the damage that's been done and what it is doing to you on a daily basis.

  It's hard work and takes dedication but it will pay off big time in the next generation, your children! Keep that mental picture in your mind as you are healing, how much better a mother and wife you will be giving to your family the one you make, there is the pay off.

  Best of luck and happy reading!

  Kate
• 

  SheilaM

  love: I am sorry if I wasn't clear, my family was never in the witnesses. I was from the age of 19. My middle sister and brother were on drugs for years,and my parents always used the jealousy to explain their treatment of me. I always thougth that I had a great relationship with my oldest sister, then I realized that if it came to hurting someone she picked ME over them to hurt. Dis-inviting my family to Thankgiving with no explanation. Not letting my daughter ride down to Florida when my Mother was dying. I realized she loves them unconditionally, she grew up with them. They are 9, 11 and 13 years older than I am. I realize this does make a difference. Even though we have never said two cross words to each other, even though my husband and I have done anything and everything for her. She can't handle the "normal" life we have, she prefers high drama and BY GOLLY they do provide. I have not spoke to my brother in about 5 years do to him trying to keep me from seeing my Mom when she flew to KC. He also cussed out my Step-dad for calling me. I had to call the police to get him to cease and desist. My sister was on major drugs and well I wrote the story on here about her conduct that estranged us. I tried to give her a second chance, when I asked her to apologize she said "I owe you no apology" so I hung up on her. When I was visiting my Mother in Florida, who was dying from Alzheimer's my sister told everyone I had a man in her house. What is so funny about this, is that my Mom didn't understand the concept of someone being on the phone anymore due to her condition. She would say that my man was there, meaning that I was on the phone to Thunder. My sister knew that my Mom did this. Just as she would say she saw a woman in the mirror when she saw herself. So I understand how lies can hurt... Toxicity is something that just can't be fixed. Just know that you can be happy and healthy apart from them.
• 

  love11

  ShielaM-

  Wow! Some people can be so intolerant and let you know in big and little ways that you are not welcome. Blondie and bikerchic had some good advice I'm going to take. I think that for alot of people, it's hard to just cut the ties like that. But I'm at a point now that I've decided I'm not being nice to them by staying around, but rather I'm allowing them to make me their punching bag.

  I'm starting to get tougher skin but it's hard.

  Also, I hope you are doing fantastic with your real family !!!!
• 

  Country_Woman

  I just keep thinking that family is the most important thing, but I am learning the hard lesson that in life, I have only me to rely on.

  Family was the most important thing in my life, untill my mum died.

  Only then I discovered that my family was'nt that important to some of the others. Jealousy is the main ingredient in the split of my family (it ain't about money, but more about attention). Cos I lived in my mothers house after my father died, my mother said in her will that she granted me another 1,5 year to stay there, before I had to move out. No money or goods, only that I was able to stay there for that time. Eventually the house should be sold and the money divided equally among us.

  That I was mentioned in her will - and none of the other 5 - caused a rift in my family. One of my brothers thought that I should move out within 3 months after her death. He treats me if I am just a far - and not loved - acquintance. That means: not visiting, calling or inviting me for anything at all. And I was seeing him and his wife nearly every day. Everytime they were in the neighbourhood, they were coming for coffee/tea or whatever. Today the only contact is via e-mail re. the selling of the house.

  It feels if I lost a brother to dead - while he is still living.

  I can't do anything to reverse it. I am only glad that my other brothers are'nt thinking the same way.