Breaking ties with toxic people.... (page 3)

Shania

Family is the most important thing and that is why it hurts so much. I realized I was the glue to our family but now after backing off from the religion my whole family is at odds it is so difficult to see this happening ones you back away.......................I do realize there are toxic people in every family and learning to deal with them is very difficult. I do agree self help books help with coping and good friends to talk to help too.

love11

country_woman

That's really a shame. Not only do you have to mourn the loss of your mother but also the loss of your brother as well. He must have really felt dejected by your mother when she left. It's too bad he's taking it out on you.

p.s. thanks for all the posts- this is my first thread (I'm a newbie) and it has been really inspiring. thanks again.

Cicatrix

{{Love}}}
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this! Something similar happened to me while I was still a JW, and actually was part of the catalyst that led to my leaving.

All I can say is, hang in there. For me, it took over ten years before I was exhonerated from the lies in the eyes of people I really respected. The rest of them, I could really care less if I ever have their approval or not! They are miserable in their small little lives, and they simply live to make others miserable.My life is full, and I no longer have time for that kind of thing.

A lot of the reason why these particular people in my life act the way they do is because of the screwed up way in which they were raised. It doesn't excuse what they do, but it does explain it. I have learned to make clear boundaries where they are concerned. I keep my association with them limited, and have learned that if I use a few well placed questions, asked in regard to what exactly they meant by such and such comment,immediately after said comment is made, they usually shut up.In fact, I haven't had to confront them in quite awhile, because they know that I WILL ask them in a firm but calm manner to explain exactly what they just meant (that really takes all the fun out of their innuendos and "jokes").The worst offenders have been relegated to sitting in the corners staring daggers at me during family reunions.

At first, I did my best to try and publicly dispel all the rumors that were going around town about me. After awhile, I realized that it was pretty fruitless. People love gossip, and those who hate you or are jealous of you WANT to hear the lies and believe them (heck, just take a look at people in the public eye who get their lives broadcast all over the media).As soon as you correct one misconception, they'll just start another one about you if they are determined. I decided to concentrate only on the "worst offenders" after that. If I heard someone say something while I was present, I would confront them. Other than that,I decided to just get on with my life. I started college and began making friends in another town.I really think that getting on with my life and not running around trying to "explain" myself is what helped some in the community to stop and say "now wait a minute..."

Those who are actually intelligent enough to have the ability to think for themselves will usually try and get to know you first before forming an opinion about you based on what someone else has told them.Those are the kind of people you want for your friends.

Sibling rivalry is one of the most hurtful things, though. We expect the family to be one place where we can find peace, understanding, and support, but this ain't necessarily so (I think it's more common to have strained relationships than good relationships with sibs anymore).

My case started out as sibling rivalry amongst in-laws, which eventually bled over into our very small (not even one stop light) town.All of it started simply because my husband and I bought the family business, and a couple of his sibs wanted it too.Unfortunately, one of those sibs is a "pillar of the community" and hence my troubles. No one wanted to believe me ( JW elders included) when this person they grew up with, who is a deacon in a local church, was saying otherwise (and BOTH the persons involved in the worst of the damage had an ulterior motive for damaging my and my husband's credibility, as my husband was witness to some very UNCHRISTIAN behavior these hypocrites had participated in).

Well, ya take a bunch of kids raised by a self-centered, authoritarian father,add a mom with untreated schizophrenia that we all "can't discuss", plus some other really ugly stuff they ALL should be in therapy for, and ya got a time bomb.

I actually recently recieved an apology from someone who believed the person who started this rumor mill. She has since come to realize that she heard a whole lot of lies about me for a long time.I'm glad to hear that she's come to her senses,and I've forgiven her.But I doubt we'll ever be really close. Too much water has passed under the bridge.

As far as moving goes, that is EXACTLY the route I took. Having nearly four hundred miles between me and them is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me!!! I did, however, take lots of steps first to demonstrate that I was not guilty as charged, and no longer gave a rat's ass what they thought about me.
I started college, held my head up high and went to community events, and actually confronted one of my in-law's friends in the friend's store when they started publicly gossiping about me right in front of me! That guy hated me forever after that, but some of the townspeople listening in treated me better after hearing me calmly tell the man that I truly did not understand why people would work so hard at sullying the reputation of a person they had never truly gotten to know.

If you still consider yourself a Christian, you can take heart in the fact that the same kind of gossip happened to Jesus. Heck, even if you don't consider yourself Christian, the very fact that a book that is some two thousand years old mentions gossip is an indicator that this is a problem that's been around for a long time.You were not the first victim, Hon, and you won't be the last.

Jealousy truly IS rottenous to the bones.

I'm praying that you eventually find some peace, Love. Even if it means moving four hundred miles away:)

Regards,
Cic

Cicatrix

"My mom told me that sister- a- has always been jealous of me since I was a baby. I don't understand why, I have always had such a low self-esteem and looked up to her. Sister-d- and I were talking one day and she said that -a- never seemed to like me. I was floored! I never saw it!"

Love,
Have you ever asked -a- if this is in fact true? I found out from a similar incidence that a family member of mine is very good at creating alliances in our family by stating so and so said such and such, and pretending to be concerned about it. Well, when I started asking so and so about such and such everytime something was said, turns out that person never said such a thing in the first place.

Sometimes it's not the perceived "culprit" that's causing the problem. It's the "concerned" ones.

Just a thought.

Cic

love11

cicitrix-

Thankyou for sharing your story. I'm glad that you seem to have grown from this experience and moved on (literally). I like what you said- sometimes people want to believe the lies. I feel like I've been chasing my tail in a circle trying to prove that I'm not the person they say I am.

I think the easy part is staying away from them. The hard part is still feeling a part of you is missing. But it's alot easier dealing with that then dealing with them.

One thing that is really inspiring is hearing all of the people of this forum say that they are healed after something like this happening to them as well. I think I'm really starting to like the sound of moving to a warmer climate. I need the sunny days and blue skies!

Completely changing the subject-

Tonight on the national geographic channel at 9pm eastern time is a really good program about scientific fossils finding a new human species!! It's on right now so I'll check ya later.

SheilaM

CountryWoman: Hey I need a sister :D how bout you sound good? ((((((((((To everyone dealing with family issues)))))))))))))))))))

Country Girl

Some nice quotations regarding gossip from the witty observer of human nonsense, Mark Twain:

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together,to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.
- Following the Equator
He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue.
- Letters from the Sandwich Islands, 1938 ed.

It is human nature to take delight in exciting admiration. It is what prompts children to say "smart" things, and do absurd ones, and in other ways "show off" when company is present. It is what makes gossips turn out in rain and storm to be the first to tell a startling bit of news.
- The Innocents Abroad

Country Girl

one

"Re: Breaking ties with toxic people...."

been there done that,

are they jw by the way?

dont blame them... what is their level of education?,

it may give you a clue, not that "wordly" education will cure the sickness (toxic) but... at least usually makes it less evident.

one

avoid confrontation at all cost, you will never win

Country_Woman

SheilaM, I herewith adopt you as my youngest sister......

Breaking ties with toxic people....

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