How do I know when it's love.... (page 3)

FlyingHighNow

I know I like her a lot, but I just don't know if I like her enough to make a lifelong commitment. I wonder if my romantic ideas are just Hollywood bullshit that doesn't happen in real life, and if I should be happy that I found somebody like her even if I don't feel like "oh my god she is my whole world" and that kind of stuff.

A wife deserves a husband who knows for certain that he wants to make a lifelong commitment.

A wife should be at least close to being your world. I mean, you can't give up your individuality to anyone, I don't care how much you love them. You must always maintain a sense of who you are. But, if you don't think you feel devoted to her and your relationship with her then DO NOT marry her.

I won't tell you that you don't care about her very deeply and that it may be a form of love, but it's not the profound kind of love that you need to feel for someone you very much want to marry.

What you mention are what most of us call red flags. If there are a lot of them, or very big ones, then marriage to this lady is not wise.

beebee

Can you see yourself with her at 70? Would you want her to raise your children (if you ever have any, but a good question even if you plan not to)? How do you feel when you are apart?

Love isn't necessarily rational and there are so many scared to death to be alone that will marry darn near anyone, just because they have no way of knowing if something better will come along.

Remember, marriage is a business as much as it is a friendship. How well can you manage the business end of things? Money, the right to be a separate entity (IMHO a good relationship is three entities, him, her and them - or the equivalent gay partnership). If you have to give up yourself to have the other person, you will be miserable.

A break of a month or two, time for the sex cravings and fear of loneliness to pass, will give you a chance to look at your relationship from the outside in and perhaps a more honest appraisal. Yes, if you do this and decide you want her, she may be unavailable then, but....better to take that risk, then to jump and make a mistake.

I also agree 5 months and pressure for a ring is rediculous. If a relationship has what it takes to last a lifetime, what difference does it make if you wait to marry?

And I also agree...you won't have doubts when you find someone you really want to marry (even if she's not ms perfect)

Jez

Essie said:

My second husband and I felt that 'i can't live without you' love from day one, it has not faltered in 8 years and only gets stronger for both of us every day. maybe we're not the norm,

That is exactly what I was thinking the second I finished reading your post. This is what happened from the moment my husband and I met, and we still feel the same. If you haven't even got that at the flowery beginnings of a relationship, what will 5 years look like down the road? Yikes!!

Jez

SheilaM

Dan, I have been married 21 years. I love Thunder MORE than I did when we met and I was head-over heels then. I would say that no one should be involved with anyone, when they feel the way you do. I think it is very NORMAL for someone with Spanish decent to speak to their Father everyday. Maybe not in America since we have a different culture. Seems like the Spanish culture and you are clashing. You can't love someone, you seem not to respect very much. I wish you the best.

DanTheMan

Hey, you guys are GREAT! Thanks everybody, lots of good feedback here.

jeanniebeanz

Hey, Dan.

There were a couple of areas for concern here.

If she's pressuring you about marriage after 5 months, that seems really fast. A couple years is a better idea since it's too easy to hide the real you for that long. That would worry me.

Also, if she is very insecure and somewhat childish emotionally and your independence is not respected, I'm not sure that you will be able to keep her happy in the long run. She may need a lot more babying than you will be comfortable with in a surprisingly short amount of time.

I don't think you are out of line for waiting for the Romeo-and-Juliet romantic feelings either. My hubby and I have been together almost 10 years now, and he still makes me weak in the knees. The most common thing to hear come out of our kids mouths is "get a room" as they roll their eyes.

If you feel like a weight has been lifted after your emotional blowout, maybe your own warning bells have gone off. Do you really need to take on the role of saving the damsel in distress at this point in your life? I understand that the lady is intelligent and has a degree and all, but that does not mean that she's got it together enough to be a true partner.

I sincerely hope that you do not take offense to any of this, I just hear some major warning bells going off and would hate to see you complicate your life with someone who sounds like she'll need some major carrying...

Jeannie

GetBusyLiving

I would run like hell brother. For her sake.

GBL

bikerchic

Dan if it's really love believe me you won't have to ask anyone how it feels, you will know!

One of the biggest problems I have with her is that she doesn't seem to respect my independence. It's like she has an idea of how I should be and she becomes angry when I don't toe the line. It really has made me mad on a couple of occasions. She often takes on a very maternal sort of tone when she speaks with me. The overall feeling I have with her sometimes is that of being stifled.
She left my house Saturday, basically saying that she would wait to hear from me but she was going to start looking around. She was crying, it was a very emotional day for both of us. We haven't talked since, and I have to say that in some ways it feels like a weight has been lifted.

If I were you I would ask myself seriously if I wanted to live the rest of my life with someone who stifled me. For someone who professes to love you but if you don't meet her terms she's going to start looking around......she's not in love with you, she's in love with the idea of being in love or of having someone to love her.

Run Dan R~ U~ N !

Xena

Dan if it's really love believe me you won't have to ask anyone how it feels, you will know!

I was just fixing to type the same thing. If you are asking us, then it most likely isn't love.

frozen one

Dan,

I was pretty much inept when it came to meeting women and dating after I quit being a witless. I found an advice site on the web that I think is pretty good. Here it is:

http://askmen.com/dating/doclove/index.html

Read some of the articles. I found a lot of the advice very helpful.

How do I know when it's love....

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