Where do I begin? I can't believe i'm even here...I am a 20 year old female and have been dating a jehovah's witness for 4 and 1/2 years. Until recently, we've been completely and utterly devoted to each other. I feel completely lost now, let me explain...His parents' never wanted to meet me and frowned on our relationship the whole time telling him to break up with me before things got worse. The Elder's called him to meetings several times about me and he still continued with our relationship. All of this gave me hope in a way, which is strange I know, but at least I knew that he wanted to make things work. I have never asked him to give up his faith or change any of his beliefs, however, he has asked me often if I would attend meeting with him and try to accept his faith. Unfortunately, I have never went with him. I just can't bring myself to. I was raised as a Methodist, though I still hold some of the same beliefs I just consider myself a Christian. I don't believe that God will hold it against anyone if they don't pick a certain denomination, just as long as they do as he wants. I feel as if his parents are coming in between our relationship. I finally met them about six months ago and got to know his mother very well and she acted as if she really liked me. I was invited to barbecues and some family outings, which gave me the reassurance that I needed. However, I just found out that the whole time his parents were still telling him to call it quits and it's beginning to make him doubt our relationship, which really hurts me terribly. I love him so much with all of my heart and we've even been discussing marriage over the past year, but now I just don't see it happening because he continues to grow more and more distant. I do want to marry him and have a family one day when I'm through with college, I just want to make sure that his whole heart is there before we get married...How can I get him to come to some sort of agreement with his parents? I'm just so confused and hurt right now, I really don't know what to do except ask some other Jehovah Witnesses' their opions. If anyone can, please respond to this, perhaps I can receive some sort of helpful advice in this matter.
help me!
by kerseygurl 16 Replies latest social relationships
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jula71
First, welcome to the board
he has asked me often if I would attend meeting with him and try to accept his faith. Unfortunately, I have never went with him. I just can't bring myself to.
Here I would advise you trust your instincts. Once you step into a meeting the pressure to accept a
biblewatchtower study will be incredible almost relentless. Trust me, but the heart of the matter is, I know you know it but don?t want to hear it, is to break up or take some time off to assess the situation. I?ll give you a little prospective from his end, his parents will be rabid in trying to have him break it off. JW?s strongly believe anyone that is not baptized as a JW, is ?bad association? and should not be kept company with. And I?m sorry, I can promise you that is what they are telling him. I hope I was some help, but trust your instincts. And follow your head. -
Scully
Where do I begin? I can't believe i'm even here...I am a 20 year old female and have been dating a jehovah's witness for 4 and 1/2 years. Until recently, we've been completely and utterly devoted to each other. I feel completely lost now, let me explain...His parents' never wanted to meet me and frowned on our relationship the whole time telling him to break up with me before things got worse. The Elder's called him to meetings several times about me and he still continued with our relationship.
It sounds like his family and congregation are putting increasing pressure on him to "shape up or ship out" as far as your relationship with him and his relationship with his religion goes. Unfortunately, JWs consider relationships with non-JWs to be on the same level as stepping in a pile of dog poo: It can happen if you don't watch where you walk, but if it happens you should scrape it off the bottom of your shoe and move on.
All of this gave me hope in a way, which is strange I know, but at least I knew that he wanted to make things work. I have never asked him to give up his faith or change any of his beliefs, however, he has asked me often if I would attend meeting with him and try to accept his faith. Unfortunately, I have never went with him. I just can't bring myself to. I was raised as a Methodist, though I still hold some of the same beliefs I just consider myself a Christian. I don't believe that God will hold it against anyone if they don't pick a certain denomination, just as long as they do as he wants.
I think you've been very generous with this guy. You've given him 4½ years of your life and love. You give him the freedom to believe the things he wants to believe and lead the life he wants to lead. You don't judge him for having a belief system that differs from yours. Does he do the same for you?? No. He wants you to "accept his faith" on his terms, which means that you will ultimately have to convert to the JW faith if you want to continue in the relationship with him. JWs do "believe that God will hold it against anyone if they don't pick a certain denomination" - JWs is the denomination to pick, in their opinion.
I feel as if his parents are coming in between our relationship. I finally met them about six months ago and got to know his mother very well and she acted as if she really liked me. I was invited to barbecues and some family outings, which gave me the reassurance that I needed.
It isn't just his parents that's coming between you. It's the entire belief system and the people in his life who follow that belief system. The invitations were testing you, as it were, to see if you would progress from mere social interaction with JWs to deeper involvement with the JW faith. The next step is attending meetings. Then comes a Bible Study with the view to converting you and getting you to become a baptized member of JWs. This is the only sequence of events that will result in his family and congregation eventually accepting you and being supportive of your relationship and possible marriage.
However, I just found out that the whole time his parents were still telling him to call it quits and it's beginning to make him doubt our relationship, which really hurts me terribly.
So while they are nice to your face, they stab you in the back. Do you really want to have this kind of thing as part of your daily life for the next 40 or 50 years? If you stay with him, get married and have a family with him, you have to understand that as long as you remain an Unbeliever?, you will always be the topic of gossip and JWs will always try to interfere with your relationship. It will only get worse when children come along. How will you handle it if a child of yours - your baby - needs a blood transfusion and your boyfriend, the man you love enough to marry and have children with - tells the doctor that YOUR BABY cannot have it, even though it means he or she will die? How will you handle it when his parents teach your children that God will kill their mother because she is not a JW? How will you handle it when you can't have Christmas decorations in your own house because he is a JW and it is offensive to his religious beliefs?
I love him so much with all of my heart and we've even been discussing marriage over the past year, but now I just don't see it happening because he continues to grow more and more distant. I do want to marry him and have a family one day when I'm through with college, I just want to make sure that his whole heart is there before we get married...How can I get him to come to some sort of agreement with his parents?
As long as he is a JW, he will constantly have a heart divided between YOU and THE RELIGION. The religion offers him Living Forever In Paradise On Earth?. The religion offers him a Worldwide Brotherhood?. Not even the best relationship in the world or the best sex in the world can top that for a JW. A JW is truly willing to put what they can have in the "present" on hold indefinitely for what the religion offers them in the future. Is that something you are prepared to deal with for the rest of your life? That you will always be a lesser priority than the religion??
I'm just so confused and hurt right now, I really don't know what to do except ask some other Jehovah Witnesses' their opions. If anyone can, please respond to this, perhaps I can receive some sort of helpful advice in this matter.
For further reading - maybe it will help you to feel that you are not alone - check out the links here:
The Best of... I'm married to or dating a JW
Welcome to the forum.
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AuntieJane
Hi and Welcome! You are not alone; there are many here who can relate to your situation. You have spent many years of your young life loving and giving to him...and all the while he has been hoping to 'change' you, right? Please email me if you feel so inclined; my daughter dated a JW and I found this board to get some help, these people are GREAT! Sometimes they are outright brutal, they have been hurt so much by this organization, they don't believe in God anymore. I urge you to find your way to a Methodist minister...ask your bf to go with you...do you think he would do that? Take care and stick around, and be strong! Life is too short to spend precious years on love that is not 100% returned to you. Believe that.
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coffee_black
Hi,
I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but I can't. They will put increasing pressure on him to either convert you or leave you. It will be a matter of loyalty to the organization, and he will have to choose. You are young, and love is irresistible at your age...but if you allow him to pull you into the organization, your life will never be your own. Please read what others have gone through in similar situations. There's lots to explore on this site. (((((((kerseygurl))))))) You'll find lots of support here. Welcome!
Coffee
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Oroborus21
Hi,
As far as the Jehovah's Witness part of this situation you only need to do one thing (since that appears to be your mind from your post) and that is to pointedly state to both boyfriend and family. "I am not interested now, or in the forseeable future in becoming a Jehovah's Witnesses, you either accept me or you don't. Further, if (Boyfriend) does want to be with me and we get married and there are children in the future, I am telling you right now that he and I will decide on how to raise them, but that I will certainly and most probably be enjoying doing certain things and allowing them to celebrate certain holidays that you may not approve of. Further, if there is ever a medical emergency, I will authorize a blood transfusion."
(that pretty much wraps up all the JW issues, the major ones at least.)
If (the guy) wants to be with you then he must accept that or take a hike.
this really isn't about Jehovah's Witnesses. Your boyfriend and his parents could be Jewish and you could be Gentle, or they could be of another race than you, etc. etc. What I am trying to say is that instead of focusing on the JW angle you need to have a serious talk with both your boyfriend and to a lesser extent with his parents along the lines above regarding the JW issues but really there are probably other things going on. Let's face it there are a lot of people out there whose In-laws do not like who their child is married to and don't always have the best relationship.
IF IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR IN-LAWS THEN THAT SHOULD BE A PREREQUISITE OF WHO YOU ARE GOING TO DATE in the first place. But of course, in my opinion, a good relationship with the in-laws is secondary to a good relatiosnhip with one's spouse. If the guy loves you and is willing to compromise and work together with you that should be the biggest factor in deciding whether this relationship is worth it or not.
-Eduardo
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The Leological One
Welcome to the forum.
And I totally agree with the great responses you've had so far. As one married to a currently disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness wife, she's even told me she never would have viewed "apostate" material such as that presented on this site if she wasn't already DF'd. As long as he is a JW, there is likely very little chance he'd ever be willing to look at any other views, or else I'd recommend him checking out this forum as well as freeminds.org, etc. to look at the WT's past history foul-ups, doctrinal problems, etc...
That being said, I agree that basically he will be viewed in a negative light for associating with you and, from my undestanding, might even possibly be in danger of being DF'd himself as a result of your relationship if you don't end up playing along with their scenario. Maybe others with more knowledge will chime in. That being likely the case, he would in essence have to make a decision between you and the WT unless you decided to go along with things WT-related.
I pray you'll make the best decision, and if that is to separate, that you will have peace knowing that you've done your part, and that would be kinda' hard for him to feel like he's giving up on God (though in actuality, the WT society) for you, much like you'd probably not want to feel you've sold your soul to be together with another person. If he can't at least look into some information critical of the WT, such as their own past failed prophecies and predictions, then he's likely not going to be ready to give up the WT any time soon.
I know this saying is going to sound really lame right now, but it is totally true: there are definitely other fish in the sea (and MANY of them), and I believe you will be able to find someone who will be able to love you without the WT conditions applying and that you can actually share religious feelings with rather than feeling divided for a lifetime.
God bless, and best wishes,
Leonard
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TheOneBuck
Man my heart sinks for you.... I can tell you his side of the story first hand.. I dated outside the truth with a girl for 4 years and what a stress. Please bare with me as I want to cover soooo many point and do not want to make this a novel.
- If you guys do get married what are you ok that the kids will have no christmas or other worldy holidays. I am sure if you have been dating him you know that it is hard during these times. I am sure you even talked about it, but imagine how hard it would be to celebrate with your kids while dad sat in the corner and did nothing. Plus this would cause so much stress for him because the local elders would be like all over him and what happends in his house is a direct reflection on his standing with Jehovah.
- When I was dating this girl I always assumed if I dealt with it slowl she would just come to the meetings eventually. I asked her to come to special talks, memorials and etc hoping that she would just convert. Maybe he is doing the same thing. Maybe he is hoping that you just convert. Now I am not a JW hater at all, but if the religion is something that you know you will not be happy with then stand your grounf firm and do not change. That is so loving of you to accept his faith it is only fair that he accepts yours. The thing is JW culture is not accepting at all of different faiths and you will never have full approval of his close friends or family.
- What would happend if you kid was in accident and needed blood? What would happend?
- As much as you think you know what pressure he is under, you have no idea. There is no doubt he loves you but I am sure his heart is so torn. His family is telling him one thing, which they think is right because I am sure they do not want to see you get hurt or him, but it is RARE these relatioships work. Trust me you bf is in complete turmoil. If he is on the fence he does not want to let god down, but realizes he has to compromise to make things work with the girl he loves. Plus after 4 years I assume you guys have done more then hold hands and I sure that tears him up inside too.
- I am sorry this f-ing sucks soo bad. If JW could just have a little compromise in their belives you ca make this work. The best advice I have is lay is ALL on the table. Tell him that you will not become a witness for him (if you really do not want to) and this is what you can accept if the relationship is to continue. Make sure to talk about where you will getr married, kids, everything be brutally honest with him and be honest with yourself. You are at a hue risk of losing him and I am sure in your mind is somethin you can not even think about life without him, but I am sorry hun you have to think with reason on this one.
- You mention he is distancing himself. He very well could be. This is a total assumption, but I am sure he loves you and he does not want to break up but in his mind if he draws away from you, you will break up and he will not have to do it himself making the out easier you kow. Call him on this and see if that is the case.
- Just being brutally honest these relationships will NOT work in most cases. My mom/dad are different in religious views (dad is a JW mom is not) and have seen it work, but my mom is SOOOOOO compromising it is unreal. If you are that type of person great, but to be honest life is to short for you not to be totally happy.
Aww damn it my heart goes out to you soooo much... Please ask me anything at anytime. I pray that this works out for you both. Keep us posted.
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Carmel
Unity within the family is critical to the success of the new relationship and marriage. I strongly urge you to finish college and seek a family that will accept you without conditioning it upon your religious beliefs. Your life will be infinitely happier. Trust me!
carmel
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von Gonsez
Well this is my first post (my english is not good enough to post asiduously :( )
But seems to me you guys have forgot the carrot and stick procedure. In those years the boy "may become a MS but..."