*whew*
That's alot of information. Good information. And good for you to put thoughts down in writing (here or in a journal).
allegedly, the debt was made FOR my benefit, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
I think I know what this means. Try this on, see if it fits:
Someone went into debt to purchase or start up a business with the assumption that you would take it over, run it, make it successful and then support them. (Does that sound plausible?)
If so, they did it for themselves.
There is nothing that requires you to work a business that you are either not suited to run or have no interest in running.
As far as the obligation of debt: When people are in such heavy debt that they cannot recover, there is bankruptcy. It happens all the time. Your mother's debt is not your debt. Let her handle it.
It's great that you want to help out. But helping people should not entail sacrificing our own lives. We help others after our own responsibilities have been taken care of. Your first responsiblity and obligations is to yourself. If you set your life first, I bet you could still help out the family without suffocating from all the guilt, control and excessive obligation.
And you will probably find that you - and they - are better for it. Taking responsibility for our own lives and actions forces us to think and be reasonable. As much as the word 'reason' is spoken at the Kingdom Hall, there is really very little reasoning that is done. There is following. There is blaming. There is denying. There is avoidance of personal responsibility.
By you taking personal responsibility for YOU first and foremost, you will create a void in their lives. They will be forced to deal with that void. They will be faced with their own responsiblity of fixing it.
I wonder if there is some way to move out (even if it's just renting a room somewhere), getting a full- or part-time job, and continue with schooling..?? Many, many people in their late teens and early-to-mid 20's do that. Most them also have a very active social life. Lot's of time for their friends. I'm guessing that some (not all) of the 'time for friends' part could be directed toward helping your family. 2 evenings a week at the business. OR 6 or 8 or 10 hours on Saturday. Something very defined because your boundaries will be tested. (That much I can guarantee!) You could then, if you feel that obligated, also offer to contribute monetarilly.
If you decide to contribute money, make it a defined amount that you can both afford and control.
For example, $200 per month. Period.
$200 is a defined amount. Paying the electric bill is undefined.
The amount of the electric bill is subject to too many variables - and abuses.
i don't know how to break it to her that she needs to get control of her life so that i can live mine. i still love my mom, but it's sad to see the dysfunctional reality she's had to grow up with, and her attempt to impose that same morbid reality upon her own children. i pray to jehovah everyday to help her see her own path. thanks once again. dp
Sigh. The 'how to' is probably different for every situation...
For me, I moved in with a friend who needed a roommate for 2 months during the summer. It was a short period of time that it eased the feelings of abandonment for my parents. I never moved back. I still kept in touch. Still participated in family activities. Still took care of the kids - at my place. Still financially contributed where I could.
I think others here are better able to give other loving ways to 'break it to her'. Maybe start a new thread asking that 'How do I...' question. The threads that start with 'Help! -...' seem to get alot of responses quickly.
My history: at 33 I started school full time while working full-time to support myself with a mortgage. I still had some time for friends and family but not much. The grown-up ones understood, the immature and irresponsible ones moved on - including my own mother. She moved from congregation - to - congregation looking for others to fix her problems. A few friends would help out for a while. Then they saw that she was not taking any responsibility for own situation and was, in fact, subverting their efforts to help. She was creating more problems to keep herself more 'needy'. Eventually, she moved out of state and moved in with my brother. The one she had disowned. He and his wife took her in. Bought a home that was big enough for her to have her own little suite. They fed her. They took her on vacation with their kids. They assured her that she would always have a place for her in their home. It wasn't enough. She left and accused them of not caring. And not loving. Last I heard, she is floating around the homes of people in her new congregation(s) looking for someone new to dump herself on.
Some people feel that everyone else, the entire world, owes them. And they are driven to make each and every person they come across pay THAT debt back to them.
I'm speaking with a little bit of coldness for my 44 years of 'dealing' with my own mother. I adored her. I loved her. I resented her. I hated her. I'm just starting to understand her. and pity her. But only after first taking responsibility for my own life.
And to do that, I have to put my life first. Only THEN, can I really help anyone else.
Sorry for going off on that tangent. This thread just pulls at so much emotion from my own life. My true hope here is that something I say may help you find the path that makes the most sense for you to make. 23 is a good time to get started. Don't wait until you are 33 or 43 or 63. - most people start in their mid-teens. You weren't allowed to do that then. It's real important for yourself and for those you love that you start now.
**Hugs**
-Aude.
