Is "unconditional love" a myth??

by Brummie 171 Replies latest jw friends

  • jeanniebeanz
    jeanniebeanz

    Right then, I'll have a go, mate.

    *ahem*

    Can a person be honorable no matter what he does? No.

    Actually, honor is strictly subject to ones point of view which depends greatly on our own belief system and culture. I don't doubt that the 911 hijackers are hailed as men of honor and even hero's by their fellow men. (and don't everyone send me hate mail, it's an extreme example to illustrate a point and I do not by any stretch of the imagination think that the 911 hijackers are in any way honorable. My point is that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, who do.)

    Can a person be virtuous in limbo without reference to his actions, attitudes and consistency? No.

    Actions are a manifestation of ones attitudes and since they change over time there is seldom consistency in belief and actions from the beginning of ones life to the ending. As attitudes change so do actions. So your 'no' would not be 100% correct.

    Can a person be a writer who never writes; a painter who never paints, a cook who never cooks? No, no and no.

    Once again, I have to question the absolute in your statement. How many people, though not able to do so themselves directly can teach others to do? In a way someone who has the gift to teach others but not the talent to do so themselves writes, paints and cooks through others as surely as if they had done so themselves.

    Virtues, talents and occupations require action in harmony with those concepts.

    True. However as actions are dependant on our concepts and given the nature of concepts as susceptable to change, then actions can also change and are not necessarily in harmony throughout life.

    That is why we have rational minds which identify and discriminate these categories in the first place.

    no arguement there...

    By virtue of what fact does a person "love" another person whose actions are so varied as to include behaviors which are repugnant to sanity? I'll answer for you: none.

    By your own explaination earlier, it is the value that one places on another which manifests itself in 'love' whether or not the individuals actions subsequent to the placement of that value warrents the love.

    Things are what they are and we call that their "nature". Whatever that nature is we identify and stick a label on it. Further, we refine the subcategories of that conceptual label with examples of differentia.

    Okay....

    What are the categories and subcategories of unconditional love?

    It is an ideal and nothing more than that. It is pure Romantic notion.

    I disagree. The idea is romantic but not nonexistant.

    What would you pay for an item worth $1?

    Who says its worth a dollar? Value is not always the same for an item from person to person. I love Betty Boop items, and may even over pay from time to time, but others could care less and may actually throua figurine away that I'd pay $20.00 for. So who's setting the value?

    Under most circumstances you'd pay a dollar and maybe bargain for less. But, if your life depended on it, you might pay hundreds if it kept you alive. "A horse; a horse! My kingdom for a horse".

    Exactly...

    Everything is subject to conditional re-valuing.

    I disagree. Air is a condition of life. It's value to me will never change.

    Winston Smith in 1984; last page, last sentence: "At last he loved Big Brother".

    I think that is what we have here. We've all been to that room and now we are willing to LOVE LOVE LOVE madly without restraint!!

    I'm wouldn't compare science fiction with real life, but understand what you are saying. In the 1984 example though, the intimation was that the people who did not willingly accept Big Brother were surgically altered to force compliance. I don't see anyone here who is claiming belief in unconditional love having been forcefully surgically altered. For that matter, a belief in unconditional love is not confined to those who believe in spiritual things and many atheists believe the theory just as those religiously inclined do.

    The purpose of Love is what? You identify the thing you value most and bond with it emotionally. Love isn't passive or it would not be a strong emotion that carries you away.

    What would be the purpose in bonding with something which is so capable of change that it is the antithesis of what you value?

    Why, it would require a complete disconnect between your rational mind (which sees the change) and the heart (the fixed emotional state) with cognative dissonance willful and extreme.

    I believe that love and bonding are the basic foundation of the family and hense society. Were there no special bond, human and even animal families would not be as strong. That connection is strongly tied to our survival as a species. The amount of work involved in raising a single human from infancy to the point where they could survive on their own requires a special bond. Call it what you will, I'll call it love, and the human family could not survive without it.

    Aha! No wonder it is the religious minded people who cling to this ideal so strongly! That's it!

    No, I disagree with this point and have explained my reasons above.

    A person completely given over to the split between rational evaluations and emotional addictions are so accustomed to the habit of cognative dissonance they want to see it as a badge of honor to love without condition.

    Not necessarily. I am quickly becoming an agnostic and am not a slave to my emotions. Yet, I believe in the possibility of love without condition. Part of this *is* my rational side speaking since absolutes are seldom provable and I will err on the side of caution in saying that there is a possibility it exists rather than dismis it out of hand which would be illogical.

    That seems to be what we are witnessing here.

    We may as well say food tastes wonderful unconditionally as we reach for the salt and pepper shaker to render it palatable. It is all split-mind assertions in a romantic stupor of self-induced hysteria.

    Well, that's a bit dramatic! lol I don't know what kind of cooking you are used to, but my family has never sat down to a meal and said that to me. They'll say, "this is great mom. I love it!" but I've never heard them say that, and even if they did, I'd not be offended if someone reached for the salt. I don't think I've made any split-mind assertions either, mate.

    Unconditional love has no justice at its root. It is unjust to reward what is deplorable and to praise what is reprehensible. That is why God's kindness is called "undeserved kindness" because it is fiction. No god of justice could possibly countenance undeserved favor by rewarding it with the maximum expression of approval.

    That's an interesting argument. For it to be true, one must throw out the entire bible.

    The death of Jesus (a righteous man) is a horror of logic. Worse still is the lunacy of saying it is part of the Supreme Being's plan to let an innocent person die in place of the true criminal. That is monstrous.

    Only persons so immersed in cognative dissonance from years of religious preoccupations (which have wrecked the delicate mechanism of cause and effect in their mind) could seize such a PLAN and declare it wonderful!

    Well, I'm not going to touch that since I'm not qualified. I have my own issues with the bible and feel there are people here in a better position to argue that particular point.

    Final word: unconditional love is a symptom of a mental disorder.

    Do you know of any serious work on the subject that will back this blanket statement? Come on, Terry. You are a logical minded person and know that absolutes and blanket statements are seldom entirely true. Do you have backup?

    Well, I've done my best to address your points. Will it do?

    Jean

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Terry:
    There's already much to answer here, for Jean, so I don't want to rehash it. IMHO she's done an admirable job of passing you back somrthing to chew on. At the risk of further pigeonholed, I'll take a crack at the doctrinal stuff that she passed on:

    Unconditional love has no justice at its root. It is unjust to reward what is deplorable and to praise what is reprehensible.

    One man's meat is another man's poison. Paul's admonition was to take a little wine for the sake of his stomach. To one man that's acceptable, to another it's incitement to alcoholism.

    That is why God's kindness is called "undeserved kindness" because it is fiction. No god of justice could possibly countenance undeserved favor by rewarding it with the maximum expression of approval

    That's correct. The otrhodox translation is "grace", which isn't a term JWs are particularly familiar with. Taking Orthodox Christianity as an example (seeing as you've singled out Christianity), it isn't about justice at all. The paradigm is about our need and someone else's provision - no justice involved. A question for you - how do you define the word "mercy"? Also, if mercy is deserved, is it really mercy?

    The death of Jesus (a righteous man) is a horror of logic. Worse still is the lunacy of saying it is part of the Supreme Being's plan to let an innocent person die in place of the true criminal. That is monstrous.

    I agreethat the idea is horrific, but a "horror of logic" and "lunacy"? Again, one man's meat is another man's poison. Are you familiar with the civilisations of the Middle East, Far East and Africa? Their societies function, and yet their whole mindset is quite different from ours in the West. Things that you might take so lightly, yet disparage so emotively, are quite acceptable to them.

    Only persons so immersed in cognative dissonance from years of religious preoccupations (which have wrecked the delicate mechanism of cause and effect in their mind) could seize such a PLAN and declare it wonderful!

    Did you mean to use the term "cognitive dissonance", here?
    A good percentage of the world's population hold such beliefs dear, having been raised with them, with not a shred of dissonance to be found. They also function quite nicely within [Western] civilised society.

    As I said before, I don't question your motives, Terry, however I am a little concerned that your worldview may be coming across as limited, dogmatic, and intolerant. That wouldn't be in line with some of the other wonderful stuff you've posted, as you have a real flair for words and a delicious turn of phrase. I don't think it would be much of a stretch to say that religion "pushes your buttons", would it? Are you really being that rational and dispassionate when you lash out so generally?

    All the best.

  • Terry
    Terry
    Do you know of any serious work on the subject that will back this blanket statement? Come on, Terry. You are a logical minded person and know that absolutes and blanket statements are seldom entirely true. Do you have backup?

    Well, I've done my best to address your points. Will it do?

    Jean

    Lovely job, Jeanniebeanz! Well done.

    Are you missing, though, the fact that UNCONDITIONAL love is an absolute? That is MY problem with it in the first place!

    The fact that one's love decision (or addiction) is never moderated by the behavior or character changes of the object of the love seems rather pointless. It is absolute. So, what is the reason it is so absolute if it is not a mental disorder?

    Why must this love BE unconditional? Whom does that benefit? Surely not the one with the emotional attachment to a ne'er-do-well. It might be great to have somebody so attached to you that you'll get away with murder and still get a hug from them. But, that smacks of being an enabler and not a lover in the most profound positive sense of love.

    I think your example of the parent bonding with the child is the best example. I am a parent 7 times. (What can I say? I was on a roll.) My affection and attachment for my children is amazing to me. But, I didn't choose this love any more than I chose which sex I am. It is hard-wired for me. I didn't choose to be tall but I'm 6'4".

    So, maybe what we are doing here is talking at cross-purposes. I'm regarding love as a choice and you are looking at the glandular, brain-chemistry, just-can't-help-myself bond of parent and child. I'd take a cutting torch and separate this manifestation of Darwinian imperatives and clearly put the results into two DIFFERENT category concepts.

    1.Darwinian bonding. The impossible to escape connection between parent and child.

    2.Elective love. The voluntary bond between persons based on placing one's highest value on a person (or object, for that matter) and reacting to it emotionally. This bond can be broken by changes in the behavior of the one loved.

    So, maybe you have made your point after all, Jean_Bean. If I have to go to the trouble of making two categories for one concept I might be fighting an uphill battle and losing.

    Thanks for your considered reply.

    Terry

  • Terry
    Terry
    Did you mean to use the term "cognitive dissonance", here?
    A good percentage of the world's population hold such beliefs dear, having been raised with them, with not a shred of dissonance to be found. They also function quite nicely within [Western] civilised society.

    As I said before, I don't question your motives, Terry, however I am a little concerned that your worldview may be coming across as limited, dogmatic, and intolerant. That wouldn't be in line with some of the other wonderful stuff you've posted, as you have a real flair for words and a delicious turn of phrase. I don't think it would be much of a stretch to say that religion "pushes your buttons", would it? Are you really being that rational and dispassionate when you lash out so generally?

    Cognitive dissonance refers to the following:

    Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon first identified by Leon Festinger. It occurs when there is a discrepancy between what a person believes, knows and values, and persuasive information that calls these into question. The discrepancy causes psychological discomfort, and the mind adjusts to reduce the discrepancy. In ethics, cognitive dissonance is important in its ability to alter values, such as when an admired celebrity embraces behavior that his or her admirers deplore. Their dissonance will often result in changing their attitudes toward the behavior. Dissonance also leads to rationalizations of unethical conduct, as when the appeal and potential benefits

    On the other point.........

    I think what we are diagreeing on is our personal philosophy and nothing more.

    You've chosen to make all things more or less neutral and relative with ONE'S PERSONAL TASTE as the final arbiter to truth. This relativism is anathema to me.

    I think this is dangerous. Something IS or ISN'T all by itself regardless of how anybody feels about it. The fact that people do harm and call it rice pudding doesn't make the harm rice pudding (if you get my meaning.)

    One's tastes in things is an opinion and is subjective. I'll certainly grant you that. But, objectively a lout is a lout because the behavior of that person is loutish. The lout's mother may smile and say he is just highstrung and needs understanding.(Cognitive dissonace) But, the behavior cannot be ignored (or, justly, should NOT be ignored) because the mother is so disconnected from reality.

    I return to JUSTICE. If justice is to have any meaning at all there must be an accounting when any person crosses the line and harms another's person or property. At that point the appeal for JUSTICE is an appeal to measure the behavior by some standard. The standard will vary from society to society (certainly) but, you'll surely admit there is no society in which absolutely EVERYTHING goes, right? In the most liberal of tribes or social groups you can cross the line. When you do cross the line and it is deliberate (coming back to the "love" issue) you cannot expect to be loved if you persist in that behavior unless the person loving you is suffering from COGINITIVE DISSONACE.

    Does this seem so bizarre?

    Thanks for your considered reply. Good points, Little Toe.

    Terry

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Terry:

    I think what we are diagreeing on is our personal philosophy and nothing more.

    I think you've nailed it there. It keeps bringing us both head-to-head, on a variety of subjects, but IMHO that's no bad thing. At least the subjects get a good thrashing

    I have little to disagree with in your last post. I would bring us specifically back to the fact that modern day orthodox Christianity deviates from the justice model, however. Maybe that's a topic for another day, though, as it doesn't really touch the WTS's perverse model which you address above (and I appreciate that you probably find that model just as deplorable).

    I agree that you"can't expect to be loved" under certain conditions and yet, for all that, some people are

    Concerning "unconditional love", I have to confess I've personally never been particularly comfy with the phrase, anyway. I don't think I ever heard of it, before seeing it on this board. If you've got to qualify it with the term "exclusive" (as I have attempted here), and then further subdivide it between "bonding" and "elective" (as you have appropriately suggested), then one has to wonder if there's a better term. Any suggestions?

    I would offer that "bonding" can occur outwith the mother-child relationship, though. Perhaps some have a greater propensity towards it (potentially due to naivity), as it isn't always an act of will ("elective"??).
    Would that concur with your own observations?

  • Terry
    Terry
    Taking Orthodox Christianity as an example (seeing as you've singled out Christianity), it isn't about justice at all. The paradigm is about our need and someone else's provision - no justice involved. A question for you - how do you define the word "mercy"? Also, if mercy is deserved, is it really mercy?

    In Christianity (which purports to be moderated by the word of scripture) there is the question of the UNFORGIVEABLE sin against the Holy Spirit. This would mean that God has placed a condition on his love at the point where this particular sin has entered the behavior of his loved one. Am I wrong?

    You ask about me defining the word mercy. I'll discuss my definition since you asked.

    Mercy is an UNEARNED forgiveness. The person receiving mercy is not worthy. This is very important. Let's take a look at it. Often this concept is fuzzy and vaguely associated with helping somebody in need who is deserving of aid but cannot fend for themselves.

    Mercy is the opposite of reward. For example, a job well done is paid on the basis of what has been accomplished (or earned.) This is just. But, to pay equally well for the same job poorly done (or not at all) is unjust. What is unjust is immoral. (And, frankly stupid.)

    Anybody who has worked for wages knows incompetency can destroy a business or industry. Incompetent people who are rewarded and able workers who are overlooked leads to demoralization and bankruptcy. Simple cause and effect are at work. Management has the responsiblity to reward excellence and to weed out incompetency. Failure of management is failure to exercise judgement as to who deserves rewards based on performance.

    Just as you cannot run an industry by coddling incompetents, a mother cannot praise poor behavior in her children or a policeman turn a blind eye to crime. An accounting must be made and a correction enforced to weed out what works and what doesn't. This is sanity and justice.

    MERCY is much misunderstood. The criminal justice system often allows people who commit crimes to go free or places them on probation. This leads to more crime and disillusionment with the law. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Fascism punishes behavior arbitrarily at whim with summary penalty based on the momentary attitude of the local authority. This leads to desperation and a sense of injustice.

    So what?

    It is our PERFORMANCE that is in question and not our NEED which must be the focus of our inquiry. What you reward; you ENCOURAGE. What you penalize; you DISCOURAGE. To encourage poor performance is unethical and ultimately leads to destructive results which is immoral.

    Little Toe says:

    Taking Orthodox Christianity as an example (seeing as you've singled out Christianity), it isn't about justice at all. The paradigm is about our need and someone else's provision - no justice involved.

    The doctrine of inherited sin is unjust and that is why the convoluted extra doctrine of grace had to be invented to undo its ill effects.

    It definitely IS about JUSTICE. It is inescapably about justice. You cannot separate mercy from justice. It is meaningless.

    T.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Terry:

    In Christianity (which purports to be moderated by the word of scripture)...

    In most denominations. There's a large "liberal" segment, however.

    ...there is the question of the UNFORGIVEABLE sin against the Holy Spirit. This would mean that God has placed a condition on his love at the point where this particular sin has entered the behavior of his loved one. Am I wrong?

    No, you're right.
    I would suggest this is a stumbling block for bible-based "Universalism", and is a subject that I'm currently investigating (insofar as it doesn't interfere with my secular studies, which are a priority at the moment). It doesn't necessarily place a limit on His alleged "exclusive" love, though. It just impacts the idea of His love being extended universally, yes?

    Touching the concept of inherited sin, how about turning the subject on it's head (and ignoring the Adam and Eve story, to boot). Suppose man, as an evolving species of primates, required lifting from his physical limitations. How would that be done?

    How does the idea of someone "coming to earth" and experiencing a reasonably comprehensive range of life, while imparting gnosis, fit into that.

    I guess that what I'm trying to suggest is that even myths usually have their foundational truths. As a paradigm to work from, religion doesn't have all the answers, but neither may it be completely ignored. It may seem primitive, but it does have a message for those that care to listen. How that's interpreted in a modern context is another story.

    The doctrine of inherited sin is unjust and that is why the convoluted extra doctrine of grace had to be invented to undo its ill effects.

    That would be your opinion, and may or may not be correct. However, how else would you describe the lifting of mankind from his original primitive state?Religion is generally swathed in a great deal of apologetics about why the world is, and why it is the way it is. That doesn't negate the possibility that people throughout the ages have experienced something "otherworldly", which I guess is at the heart of my concern for the "baby and bathwater" approach that you seem to suggest, regarding such beliefs.

    How does this relate to "love"? Insomuch that those who claim experience in such matters often use the term "love" when attempting to explain themselves. It's vague and disconcerting to the concise of mind, but that doesn't make them wrong (or right). It's a big guessing game, like so many aspects of live, eh?

    As for those who just involve themselves in the mental masturbation of theology, without coming out of the cloisters of theory... well, each to their own.

    I'm rambling. Sorry.

  • Terry
    Terry
    I agree that you"can't expect to be loved" under certain conditions and yet, for all that, some people are

    Concerning "unconditional love", I have to confess I've personally never been particularly comfy with the phrase, anyway. I don't think I ever heard of it, before seeing it on this board. If you've got to qualify it with the term "exclusive" (as I have attempted here), and then further subdivide it between "bonding" and "elective" (as you have appropriately suggested), then one has to wonder if there's a better term. Any suggestions?

    I would offer that "bonding" can occur outwith the mother-child relationship, though. Perhaps some have a greater propensity towards it (potentially due to naivity), as it isn't always an act of will ("elective"??).
    Would that concur with your own observations?

    I'm probably focusing on the poor judgement of people who continue to love bad guys more than I am doing anything else. We had a customer at the bookstore the other day; a fellow about 30 with his mother. He was conning her into paying for things by playing up to her sympathy. It was disgusting from my perspective. I kept thinking that she was, in effect, teaching him how to take advantage of her by giving in to his whims. No tough love in her universe.

    Yes, I concur with your observations. Like many terms we all use it is wise to clean house when our lexicon begins to contain blurry definitions that do us more conceptual harm than the service they render merits.

    It is an endless task; not unlike taking the ring out of the bathtub. Sigh.

    T.

  • Terry
    Terry
    However, how else would you describe the lifting of mankind from his original primitive state?Religion is generally swathed in a great deal of apologetics about why the world is, and why it is the way it is. That doesn't negate the possibility that people throughout the ages have experienced something "otherworldly", which I guess is at the heart of my concern for the "baby and bathwater" approach that you seem to suggest, regarding such beliefs.

    This is my point of friction with Evolution!

    How does man so remarkably transcend his ape brethern intellectually and at so great a distance? The physical aspects of progress are well described in theory; but, the outstanding achievements in music, art, poetry, literature, technology and philosophy (I don't include religion) are light years distant from anything (discoverable) on the part of Cheetah and the pick-your-nits and scratch-your-nuts tree gang.

    Your explanation (is it that?) starts at the point where the Divine comes to earth and gives counsel (Jesus). But, for me---it would have to be like that black obelisk in 2001 Space Oddessy; it would have to be an exterior jolt from BEYOND that kick-started man's mind toward its achievements.

    I see no such event.

    This is my puzzle.

    T.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Terry:My answer to bath-ring would be the power-shower

    I would go for the 2001 "kickstart", too.
    I see the "Christ event" as being a marker in-between, not the initial event. Man has been sentient for far, far, far longer than 2000 years (longer than even 6000 years).

    Back to the thread at hand; what term do you feel might be more appropriate than "unconditional love", given that the circumstances of its use is in the vocabulary of ex-cult members, who have experienced the extreme end of "conditional love"?

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