I am scared of my future marriage

jwbot

I am watching Oprah (right now actually) and the topic hits close to home. Good timing actually, because yesterday I was thinking of talking with my fiance, Mike about this very thing. You see, Mike really loves kids, and we plan to have them eventually, its a very important part in our relationship (to him, mostly). So I would not want to make the next step (getting married) if I had issues that needed to be aired about that. I won't mind having kids, I know I will love them. We plan to have one naturally, and then adopt one (and he or I will get snipped). So thats the "plan" (yes I know things do not always go according to plan).

So what am I scared of? I am afraid he will love the kids more than he loves me. The thing is, is it is really important to me that I love Mike more than I will love our kids, and that I KNOW he loves me more than he loves our kids. I might catch some heat for saying that. It is important because Mike and I are equals and OUR relationship will be the center of our families. Our happy family will revolve around the love that is between Mike and I. The kids will see that, and I think that will make them feel secure. I will love my children, but I will be "in love" with Mike.

When I was young, I remember asking my mom "who do you love more, me or dad?". She said she loved Dad more because they have been best friends for a very long time, and that they are husband and wife and it is a very special relationship. She also explained the type of love that she has for me, and how special a relatioship between mother and daughter (and parent and child) is. That made me feel really good. There was never once in my life that I thought "ohh mom and dad might get a divorce" or "mom and dad dont love each other". I never felt that. My parents may have faults, but they have one of the best romantic relationships I have seen, possibly the best. They had no problems hugging and kissing with us around either, and after the initial "eew mom and dad are kissing" and running out of the room, it was a very good thing to see as a child. I saw how relationships should function.

I am very scared that I will not have the same thing, and I want what my parents have. Mike is coming home from work soon and I plan on talking to him about my thoughts. So...what is everyone elses thoughts? Am I crazy?

whyamihere

Yeah, I can see where you would get heat for saying that.

You don't have kids so you don't understand the type of love you will have for them!

You are not Crazy at all! Think of these things before it is too late.

My advice to you is...Don't have Children! If you want to love your husband more than your kids then don't have them. I am not being Rude or Sarcastic. I have 2 kids. I know what it is like having a husband and having Children. I do not love my Husband more than my kids. I do not love my kids more than my husband. There is the same amount of love but a different kind of love!

I thought I knew what love was until I had my first child! That's when you know what Deep Love is!

If you can say you want to love your husband more than your kids then don't have them for their sake!

Brooke

EvilForce

I think your fear is not unfounded but maybe overwrought. I think if you keep the focus of your family as the relationship between you and hubby everything will be fine. I have found that people use their kids as crutches for unhappy relationships. Or that the husband / wife relationship grows apart and they only have their kids "in common" anymore. So I think it's a valid point your raise, and if you make sure you and your spouse do not drift, and keep the relationship as being the focal point, everything will be fine.

AlmostAtheist

Hey bot,

Would you agree there's different kinds of love? The love I have for Gina is strong and deep, but it is also completely different than the love I have for Zach or Sierra. I wouldn't say I love one or the other "more" since they really aren't comparable. Which is more important, your heart or your lungs? Neither really, and they aren't things you can put side by side and compare.

Additionally, speaking as a man, I don't think your fiance is going to be all over a discussion on this topic. Especially if you intend to ask him something on the lines of, "You'll always love me more than our kids, won't you?" It's along the lines of "Am I getting fat?" or "Am I prettier than her?" There's no answer that won't get him in trouble, so unless he can stuff a Twix in his mouth, he's dead.

I doubt you'll get much out of a discussion along those lines and once you start it, it's hard to end.

Dave

EvilForce

I'm kinda with Dave on this....

This is a rather "female" worry. Not that it isn't founded, but your straight hubby may not quite "get it". I generally tell my women friends, "If it was on Oprah, your hubby probably isn't interested."

LOL, sorry but true

lilbit

When I had my daughter I could never imagine loving anyone as much as I love her and then I had my son and its amazing how the heart can just make room for more love. My love for my husband was not eclipsed by my love for my children. Yes it is important that your children see the love you have for your hubby and its also important for them to know they are loved just as much. The fear you have is normal because you dont have children yet but once they are in your life Im sure the love thing will work out just fine.

Gerard

I am afraid he will love the kids more than he loves me.

You know Love comes in various kinds: the love for a pet, love for a sport, Love for a mate, love for a child, love for a mother, etc.

zugzwang

I'm actually watching Oprah right now as well. (What, a guy watching Oprah? It's true.) Best advice right now is, don't have kids for at least 5 years, because having kids will change the relationship between you and your spouse. Give yourselves enough time to be first to each other because when the kids come they will come first. Your own maternal instincts will kick in to be a "supermom." Oprah is mostly about moms putting their kids before their husbands. Husbands generally don't do that. They tend to keep their wives first even above their kids. So it's more likely that you will start to neglect him than him neglecting you. Is that what you are afraid of? If so, your being aware of it now will help you combat that tendency later when you do have kids. But that is just my opinion.

AlmostAtheist

>> Best advice right now is, don't have kids for
>> at least 5 years, because having kids will change
>> the relationship between you and your spouse.

Yes! GREAT advice!

Jez

Why does it matter?

Jez

I am scared of my future marriage

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