I am scared of my future marriage

by jwbot 45 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  IronGland

  I hate to be blunt, but alot of times men want you to have their baby just so that you'll always be apart of their life.

  
  
  Huh? Who have you been hanging around. In my experience such an action has 'female' written all over it. The guys about to break up with the girl, she gets 'upset' and affectionate and they have sex one last time. Guy gets a phone call a month or so later, "Im Pregnant! Yaaaaay, guess we're not breaking up now? Oh we are, well, i'll see you in paternity court, sucker" lol

  Carry on.
• 

  Thegoodgirl

  JWBot,

  Maybe I'm just young and inexperienced too, or just a bitter wife with no kids yet, but I always thought parents DO love their kids more than their spouses. I just assumed that. Yes my parents were divorced when I was 7, so maybe I'm biased, but I've always heard when you have a kid, the love doesn't even compare to the love for your spouse. So I always thought the challenge would be caring about your spouse after that. So I guess I see your fears, but in my view, you'll both love your kids more than each other, and it will not be a source of contention. But anyway, we should both not worry about it until we have kids.
• 

  BeautifulGarbage

  Someone had said that what my mother said was terrible but I believe the opposite.

  Uh, "Someone" here.

  Jwbot, I went back reread your first post on this thread. I still think her response to you was awful. I can't imagine telling one of my children that I love their Dad, more than them. Regardless of the explaination. But, hey, that's me. I can think of a hundred better responses.

  On the other hand, I do believe that the marriage is the first priority. However, be forewarned, it can be a taunting task to have that time alone once children enter the picture. Stay close to relatives that can help in that sense.
• 

  love11

  Ok, ok- didn't mean to sound condescending. I was only commenting on the little information that was written about your relationship.

  It just seemed by your posts that you were being pressured into something that you didn't necessarily want. I was merely saying that dreaming of having a child and really having one are completely different. It changes the best of relationships, sometimes it brings you closer and sometimes it doesn't.

  Someone (maybe I heard it on this forum) once said that a couple was married for 50 years and they asked the man- why do you think you lasted so long? He said, "Because we never fell out of love with each other at the same time". I'm sure your mom and dad does have a wonderful relationship, but the ups and downs that they did have, you never saw because you were a child.

  And yes, I have seen many men get a girl pregnant just for "ownership". I did not personaly know what your relationship was like or was I making a statement that said it was like this. I was just trying to give you the "hey you might want to watch out for any signs of this", only because I've had too many friends that went down that road.

  But hey, you did ask for advice and if you don't like my opinion, I won't be hurt. I was only concerned that your reservations in getting married didn't mean that your instincts were honing in on something. I wish the best for you and your man and only meant well.
• 

  larc

  jwbot,
  
  Your concerns just don't compute for me. My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. We have three adult children. I love my wife and my three children just as much - all the same.
  
  Our three children were born two years apart and required a lot of care giving on my wife's part. There were times during those early years, that she did not have much time for me, but I understood that. I was not jealous over the time she spent on them. I hope that both you and your future husband understand this fact about very young children.
• 

  EvilForce

  I'm of the opinion that the human "heart" has a large amount of love to give. The more you fill it the more it can put out. Like training in the gym...the more work put on muscles the more they can do.
  
  I think if you keep a balanced view you will be fine. My personal belief is this whole "superwoman" b.s. They make women feel guilty for working, so they have to overachieve at everything else. Also, I have to blame the baby boomer's to an extent, since they seem to play "win big or lose big" even when it' inappropriate. I see so many kids being shuttled off to this practise, that recital, this extracurricular activity..blah, blah. Kids will be just fine without all this extra crap.
  
  I spend a fair amount of time in Latin America where society is probably where America / Europe's was in the mid 70's....very healthy kids...lot's of free time... 1/3 of the stress of our current kids.
• 

  mrsjones5

  hm, I dont think my dear hubby has ever been jealous about the attention i give my kids especially when they were babies. i've even heard him brag about how good i am with the kids and that i have breastfed every one of them. he just wants some attention too. i think some women, myself included, believe that our hubbys are so grown that they dont need us, at least not like our kids do. but he married me, he's in love with me, he wants to spend time with me doing whatever - snuggling on couch watching csi.

  actually as i think about it i am the center of this universe . i remember wanting to be one of the popular kids in high school and now i just realized i am the most popular person in this house, lol. i need to use this power for good, starting with bestowing some good lovin on the hubby!

  Josie ~ trying not to let this go to my head
• 

  avishai

  And I know that he is goo goo for kids now, but when you have them it will be your responsiblity to take care of the kids. Men do change after having children, and their goal in life seems to reflect more on providing for that child then taking care of the child.

  I have no idea who you've been hanging around love11. The WRONG men obviously. Even when I was working and not a stay at home dad, i got up in the middle of the night, changed diapers, LOVED "taking care" of my child. So does my brother and lot's of other guys that I know. Guys that slack off and ignore their kids, ignore taking care of kid duties are assholes. Period. They don't have the excuse of being "men" or "changing". Dont put up with that, don't let them feed you those excuses. That's a load of BS.
• 

  love11

  And I know that he is goo goo for kids now, but when you have them it will be your responsiblity to take care of the kids. Men do change after having children, and their goal in life seems to reflect more on providing for that child then taking care of the child.

  I have no idea who you've been hanging around love11. The WRONG men obviously. Even when I was working and not a stay at home dad, i got up in the middle of the night, changed diapers, LOVED "taking care" of my child. So does my brother and lot's of other guys that I know. Guys that slack off and ignore their kids, ignore taking care of kid duties are assholes. Period. They don't have the excuse of being "men" or "changing". Dont put up with that, don't let them feed you those excuses. That's a load of BS.

  I never said that my husband didn't do all of those things (staying up late, feeding, nuturing,etc,.) I said- their goal in life seems to reflect more on providing for that child...... In general a woman is the caretaker of children. I repeat in general. That is why the mother is the one that recieves the soul custody after most divorces. Most not all. In general....I would tell a young girl who did not want to get pregnant that it is probably going to rest on her shoulders to take care of the kids. With todays divorce rate and her lack of wanting children, I didn't think that was bad advice. However, I was speaking in general and each relationship is unique. I stick by what I said because I've seen it too many times before. Luckily, she has made it clear that this is not the case. If she elaborated more on her situation then I probably wouldn't have said anything. But her thread was...I am scared of my future marriage..... I don't know any man or woman that says having a child did not change them. No it did not change who you are, but it definetly changed your life. I agree with you men that do that are jerks, but I don't remember saying that avishai doesn't like to take care of his kids. And before making assumptions on me, I would suggest you really consider why a openly bi-sexual young woman is considering marriage and having children who she thinks she may become jealous of. Jealousy and children do not mix. Hey.. that's my opinion. I'm not passing judgement I'm only saying think about what you really want out of life before having children and getting married. IMHO
• 

  avishai

  OK, soorry if it seems like I was making assumptions, it looked to me like you were painting men with a broad brush..

  And before making assumptions on me, I would suggest you really consider why a openly bi-sexual young woman is considering marriage and having children who she thinks she may become jealous of.

  WTF does her being Bi have to do with the price of tea in China???????????????????????????