I am scared of my future marriage

by jwbot 45 Replies latest social relationships

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  love11

  WTF does her being Bi have to do with the price of tea in China???????????????????????????

  She needs to figure that out.
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  diamondblue1974

  There is no bond stronger than those between a parent and a child and quite rightly so but the love shown or felt for them is completely different from that shown or felt for a partner. Yes I agree that those feelings are capable of running into conflict but they are different feelings in my opinion.

  Its good you are having this discussion at this stage but I am sure you will have nothing to worry about.

  DB74
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  kat2u

  Having children can also add a dimension to your relationship as you see a little person (part of both of you blended together),

  grow and develop both of your personalities and your families personalities into someone unique its a humbling experience

  and can draw you two even closer.
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  Mystery

  I do not want my identity to be "mother"....not at all. I do not want to be "the mother of so-and-sos kids". I want to be the best friend, the lover, AND the mother.

  Jbot -

  You will be "so & so's mom", "Mike's wife", "that woman that..(is alway's at PTA meetings with all the questions or coach's her kids team or the one that never comes to any school functions).

  But, they will be "jbots kid", "Jbots husband", etc... as long as you remember to keep time for yourself.

  I don't mind at all when i go to the store and one of the kids walk up and say "hey! Ryan's mom" or Hey! Colin's mom". Or one of the parents can't remember my name and say "hey Coach". Or my husband's boss introduce me as "Greg's wife". I have my friends and my interest so i am also Kim's best friend and "that's the woman that likes to take photo's in the rain".

  Don't get so wrapped up in dividing equal time between husband and kids that you forget about yourself.

  The heart does multiply.
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  Abaddon

  I was talking about the same thing to my girlfriend the other day.

  I have two daughters by a previous marriage. My gf is scared her feelings for me will change when she has kids. I explained to her how it was for me, that children, as another poster said, multiply love, and also that it is a different love.

  I firmly believe approached with the right attitude it should cement a bond rather than pushing one partner into third place behind the kids. I have no choice, not really, in my love for my girls. I didn't choose them, and even if they weren't as delightful as they are, I would love them for what they are.

  I chose my girlfriend because I love her for who she is. She is in first place for me, and I am in first place for her.

  However jwbot you have cause for concern. My marriage failed, largely because my wife pushed me into third place behind the kids and I was too young to handle it. It was made harder by her already having a son when we married. In 'courtship' it was never obvious to me that I wasn't in first place. Afterwards... well... it was too late. But not only did I feel she used her affection as a reward for conformity with her opinions, I feel she actively worked to prevent me building a decent relationship with her son.

  I never really had a chance to be her husband, she was too busy telling me the sort of father I should be...

  We had kids together on the naive assumption it would make us more of a family. This may have worked, but if one parent assumes they are the font of all parental wisdom (when in fact they are over-protective and stifling), it makes it very hard to 'do it' together unless you just give up all say in things. Which I did for a while. Then I left.

  I now have, for someone who doesn't live with them, great relationships with both my daughters and my stepson.

  On top of the valid fears you have about having the dynamic of the relationship changed by kids (which shouldn't happen in a good relationship where both partners are emotionally secure and are not obsessive), I'm concerned you don't really want kids but are doing it 'cause you love the guy.

  That's a very sweet but very stupid reason for doing something. We're not talking about a cycling holiday, a band you don't like, or the annoying members of his family.

  Kids are a far bigger decision, and if you don't want them you have to ask yourself, if you can forgive yourself for changing your life irrevocably by doing something you don't really want to do... can you forgive him for letting you do it?

  He has to know your fear about the dynamic changing, and also about how much YOU want/don't want children, Don't make a decision like that without showing him all the cards...
• 

  JW83

  Just my 2 cents:

  You definitely don't sound ready for kids yet (but then again, who ever is?) The difference between love for your child & partner is that love for a partner is conditional (or should be, if you have any self-respect) on things like faithfulness (whatever values are important to you). Your love for your child will blow you away - it is unselfish & unconditional. Both can coexist, but in order to love a child you become a little less selfish - it is not about how others see you, it is about what is in your heart & soul.

  Good luck, & congrats on your upcoming wedding.