Should you keep a marriage together for the sake of the kids? (page 2)

Charisma

I think someone can't make up their mind

carla

Depends on if the spouse will be hauling them to the hell or not. carla

Things were so dark that there seemed no hope.... most people gave me strong advice to cut my losses and "for the sake of the kids", I grew up in a divorced house... it ain't all it's cracked up to be. Each have their own challenge... and I was always aware that the "better" parent doesn't alway get custody... especially if it's the man.

I lucked out... my sitch actually got better with time and lots of effort... my kids are eternally grateful and in a world of wimps and pussies have an example of sticking to your family through the darkest of nightmares... and truly saving the family unit.

However I must note... I went farther than the average person may choose to go and there was a TON of damage to all , especially the kids... it was worth it for us.. but I did have a contingency plan in case my significant other decided to sabotage what was left and take my kids... I'm glad I didn't have to implement it as I would now be speaking Spanish and there'd be a few new headstones at the cemetery.....WHEW!

I can honestly say I'd lay my life down for my family.... I know because I basically did... it aged me something fierce... but was well worth it!

No thanks to the Dubs.... they not only offered no assistance, they rubbed salt in the wound....BASTARDS!!!

u/d (of the didn't think I'd make it class)

Rod P

I was a JW, and married happily into the faith. Then I reached a point of not believing, and became converted to Mormonism (sadly). My apostasy from the JW faith resulted in disfellowshipment and a kind of marital "shunning". In other words, we could talk about common everyday things, but not anything spiritual. That was a No-No! Now, you tell me how on earth you're supposed to make a marriage work in a religiously divided home, where you are not allowed to talk about things openly, especially when it comes to values. For example, my wife taught the kids that those churches we drive by are "Bad" (i.e. their part of Satan's Babylon the Great, adn will all be destroyed in Armageddon). Mormons are taught never to condemn or hate other religions. This meant there was a difference in Values. I did not want the kids to be taught such hatred, while my wife believed that it was teaching them the truth from Jehovah. But then we couldn't discuss it! So nothing can be worked out, and there can be no compromising. This is but one small example.

When our oldest daughter was in Grade one, my loving partner in marriage went behind my back and instructed the teachers to exclude her from all of the school activities that had to do with Xmas, Halloween, flag salute, national anthem. When I found out about it, I instructed the school to opt her back in. This turned into a showdown when she wanted to take this to her lawyers to defend the JW side. And she told me that in the absence of my "Spiritual Leadership" she had to take my place and become the leader. The effect on the kids was devastating. Our oldest daughter would lay on the living room rug and just stare into space in a catatonic state.. She couldn't handle it. She loved us both, but was being forced to choose one parent over the other. I am not trying to rave on about our past fights, but rather to illustrate how religious division in the home can create situations that are impossible to resolve or deal with. How then, can you make a marriage work under those circumstances, when religion dictates all or nothing, and no compromise allowed? And what kind of scars would this leave on the kids growing up in that?

Rod P.

upside/down

Now I understand where the term "bitch slapping" comes from... and could be properly applied.

u/d

LMS-Chef

I couldn't stand not to see my kids everyday. I would never leave and I would stay true to my marriage vows. Fighting has to be worked out. Find the thing that is causing the fight and fix it or get rid of it. At one point the married couple loved each other enough to want to spend every minute together, that doesn't wear off. Life just has a way to make even the best things seem bad sometimes. Children are worth it, love is worth it.

Rod P

LMS-Chef,

OK, so how exactly would you fix it, or get rid of it?

"Wife, I want you to stop being a JW." Wife's response: "No way!"

"Rod, I want you to quit being Mormon and come back to the Truth." Rod's response: "You want me to believe something I cannot honestly believe anymore? Doesn't that make me a hypocrit? Tell you what, Dear, let's both stay away from our two religions, since that is what is causing our problems." Wife's response: "You expect me to abandon Jehovah, when I know this is the Truth!"

"Well, dear, how are we going to work out a reasonable compromise here for the sake of the kids which we both love?" Wife's response: "Rod, you want to teach our kids only half the Truth, while I have to teach them the Whole Truth, in the absence of your Spiritual Leadership."

Rod's response: "Oh, I get it now, you want me to do it 100% your way, which you say is Jehovah's way, and so any kind of compromise is out of the question." Wife's response: "Yes, you know that Jehovah's way is the only right way, and we must obey Jehovah, and teach our kids to do the same."

So now, LMS-Chef, tell me how YOU would "fix" this or "get rid of it"?

Rod P.

devinsmom

From personal experience I dont think that anyone should stay together just for the kids sakes. Children should see loving and healthy relationships between parents and anything else will cause long term damage and set the wrong example of how a relationship should be thus possibly causing them to have disfuntional relationships. I wish my mom had left my dad long before she did so I wouldnt have had to see all sorts of f'd up crap. And maybe that is why I chose the wrong marriage partner, who knows, but anyhow, seeing my parents disfunctional relationship did me no good whatsoever and thats why I decided to leave my relationship b4 my son is old enough to remember anything bad.

-April

Qcmbr

Hi Rod,

Youve just described every LDS persons nightmare- the family is more important than anything but God and yet that is the very thing that threatens the family! If I had been your Bishop this is what I think I'd have said...

Your relationship with God is paramount - without flaunting it you can keep praying privately. I will release you from any church callings including home teaching so you can spend time with your family. I would recommend discussing with your wife amicable arrangements (perhaps visit the JW church 50% of the time as a family) and then 50% of the time here (if your wife refuses then maybe you could come on your own those few Sundays.) I would then suggest you did all you could to save your marriage and support your children - if religion is discussed - don't argue and seek to find any common ground you can. If ever your wife makes unilateral decisions (e.g. the school thing) support her totally and completely - when she knows that you trust and validate her decisions (which she makes because she loves your children and you) then discuss how you can make decisions together. Things like avoiding assembly is probably a small thing in the wider picture. Finally love your wife with all your heart and make sure your kids know that you do - be the peacemaker and never ever ever argue. Kids should never hear you downgrade the JW faith or their mother. In time those children will love and appreciate all that you are and will come to know what true religion is all about - not because of doctrinal arguements but because you lived it.

Still - there does come a time when even with the best will in the world one or both partners have given up. Then its time to respectfully retreat and be there for the children.

My Mum and Dad split up over religion (LDS and Catholic) and it has scarred me badly. Respect to my Mum though she never once did my dad or his church down and yet he did the opposite. Guess which one I honour the most.

Rod - sorry you got the sharp end of a pretty cr*ppy stick.

Rod P

Qcumbr,

Thanks for the retroactive "offer", but even that wouldn't have worked. You have to understand what it means to be disfellowshipped. You are essentially "dead" in Jehovah's eyes. You are the worst kind of human being, and you deserve to be destroyed in Armageddon. The only way out of this is to repent, and come back into full standing with the "truth". Like the Catholics used to teach in medieval days "falsehood has no rights."

It is all one-sided. There can be no middle ground. It is all 100% "take" on the JW side, and you are expected to do all the "giving" and "giving in". Period. End of story. For one reason. They have the Truth and God's blessings, while you and I do not.

What would you do if your child needed a blood transfusion in a life or death situation? Give in to your wife? And if you did, and the child died, how could you live with yourself and your conscience? And if you didn't, and gave the child a blood transfusion and it saved her life, how do you think you wife would feel. You just made her son or daughter violate Jehovah's law on the sanctity of blood; you tainted our child. She would likely hate, even despise you for that.

Where and when do you stand for principle? Does that count for nothing? And I don't mean getting fanatical and preachy about it. Just ordinary everyday living, trying to make the family thing work on a fair and decent basis. It takes two to make it work. "One" cannot do it all alone.

Rod P.

Should you keep a marriage together for the sake of the kids?

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