Should you keep a marriage together for the sake of the kids?

by Rod P 31 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Country Girl

  Somewhere in the JW literature, it mentions that those women with an unbelieving mate are still required to be submissive to his headship, unless they've had "new light" on that little gem. Remind her of this, and tell her that you are still the head of the household, and you do *not* want your children going to the Kingdom Hall, and that is that. Threaten to tell the elders of her willfulness if she keeps on.

  Otherwise, that's a hard one to answer. I'm afraid it is as Qcmbr says: it's either all or none with them JWs.

  CG
• 

  Chia

  It's sticky. But I can only go by my own experience, and I say "no". My parents fought bitterly all the time. I wished they would break up so I could live a relatively normal life. I remember first finding out where babies came from, I think I was maybe in first grade. My sister told me, and I remember thinking, "Wow, my parents had SEX? They don't even sleep in the same bed. They can't talk without screaming." It's a difficult thing for a child to have to deal with. I would've felt better knowing that they both loved me even if they didn't love each other. When they finally broke up, I breathed a sigh of relief.
• 

  TheListener

  Good thread.

  I say what others have already stated. If the issues can be worked out in some reasonable manner then by all means keep the marriage together. If the home just isn't a happy and safe place due to the marriage then by all means divorce. But, never ever let the kids feel responsible or hear negative things about the other mate (unless the other mate is some kind of abuser).

  It sounds like your witness wife was a real super-dub. Technically speaking the mate of someone who isn't a witness, is supposed to allow for some concessions. They're not supposed to jeopardize the marriage by not being flexible.

  For example, if the husband wants to take the kids to the mormon church the wife can't just say no (that would not be submissive -of course, this depends on how super-dub the wife is). What she's supposed to do is to encourage the kids in the truth by studying more, attending meetings more, service more, prayer more, etc etc. (hey this sounds familiar).

  That way the society can claim that they don't encourage the breakup of marriages. Unfortunately I've counseled married sisters who have had this problem and they find it very difficult to allow their husbands to teach evil babylonish doctrines to their children. We always counseled patience and love. Quote:"Your husband works all day right? Well, take advantage of that time to study, prayer, read, service, prepare for meetings, sing kingdom melodies and play bible based games" - see sister DO MORE!! and everything will be ok.

  Excuse me I need to go vomit.
• 

  LMS-Chef

  I am soory what some of you are going through. Wish i could help but i can't.
• 

  Terry

  All things that are done (and done well) begin with a purpose.

  What is the "purpose" of a family?

  Is it a loving group who share life's ups and downs? Is it adding strengths and subtracting weakness? Is it creating a special category of "friend" for life on whom you can rely?

  Or, is it just day to day living in the same box with your fellow rats and scrapping over every slight; snatching at each morsel of personal comfort at the expense of the claw marks?

  Sadly, a great many people have no purpose. Life drifts. And, so do relationships.

  Without a focal point people tend to become so self-devoted that their own thoughts and personal tastes crowd out friends and family. There is no room for sharing; no room for exchanges of encouragement and advice. Family, then, is a burden because it is an encumbrance on personal whim.

  A family is a garden that must be planted in the right soil. It must have enough light and water. And the weeds? Oh god! THE WEEDS!

  I live in one of these family situations myself. I know whereof I speak.

  My wife and I have been married almost 18 years. We have 3 children. She does not want to remain married. Ours is a strained existence. She is cold and distant and unavailable on purpose. I am just a kind of pet or room mate.

  But!

  The children share a familial bond with each of us as PARENTS. We are civil in tongue and do not thrash each other. They don't see heaps of abuse or nastiness. What they see is chaos; but, deep caring.

  How do you get the delicious yoke out of this egg without smashing the shell?

  TRUCE.

  That is what my wife and I have; a truce. We leave each other alone as much as possible and get on with life while being a parental balancing device for the kids. If it is a question of GOOD COP/BAD COP the roles are written in each of us our character.

  The destruction of the family unit is the destruction of SELF for a child. It is who they are until they differentiate themselves into a unit. Children and butterflies share a metamorphasis. At what stage do you break open the cocoon and wrench out the transforming creature within? What will emerge? Not a butterfly; I assure you.

  Think of it this way. Imagine the family as a bathtub filled with water. How do you do anything to any part of the water without the ripples and the waves reaching every corner of the rest of it?

  Not possible!

  You can't disturb the family in even the smallest part without affecting the whole of it.

  Sometimes you have to cut out the offending tumor (when there is abuse) and suffer the wound of the scalpel and the resulting scar....and then step back and declare you have saved the body entire.

  Other times you must nurture what good is there and bide your time.

  This family; this garden takes tending (as we ourselves need tending). There is no one way that does it all. It is many steps. All must be done equally well.

  You cannot merely water the garden with too much shade and "hope" all is well. You cannot ignore the weed nor can you turn a blind eye to the predator. All is all.

  For myself, I was an only child whose father was never there. I went out of my way to find him and meet him when I was 25. I had to. I needed to discover what of him was in me. There was much there. But, the scar never heals. I would have been an ENTIRELY different person had he been in my life.

  To change the family is to change life itself.....not an easy series of choices.

  Terry
• 

  Rod P

  Terry,

  I appreciated your thoughts. Some real words of wisdom there. Yet I feel a kind of sadness over what might have been or could have been. It strikes me as a relationship of self-sacrifce and pain, rather than fulfillment and love. Perhaps you and your spouse have a pain threshhold far above that of most people. Few could do what you are doing.

  In my marriage there was one aspect that was quite painful. There could be no social life. I could not associate with JW's because I was disfellowshipped, while she could not associate with my Mormon friends, because they were of the world, or of a false religion. I tried one of those Sunday night firesides in our home where my Mormon friends came and visited, while we had a guest speaker who was a returned soldier from the Vietnam war. I wanted her to experience that Mormons were not these evil people in the clutches of Satan, and all that. My wife was the perfect hostess, and she did this out of respect to her marriage vows with me, her husband. But it was all very formal, and was more a game of tolerance than of friendship and sharing. Now, you can do without a social life for a period of time, but month after month, and year after year, that is a horse of a different colour. We are not meant to live like that. It's just wrong! We were no longer functioning as a real family, and this meant we weren't any good for each other. The whole relationship was toxic and irresolvable. How is this environment doing any service to the kids and their well-being?

  Rod P.
• 

  Terry

  Hey Rod,

  It sounds as though you and your wife were both civilised people who tried everything you could inside the bubble of religious non-contagion.

  It is sad, no matter the root cause, when a marriage has the wrong ingredients among all the right ingredients. I almost think of it as Alchemy; the strenuous effort over the centuries to turn lead into gold. There is only about a proton's difference between a bar of lead and a bar of gold, but, that infinitesimal ingredient is all the difference in the world between riches and merely a hernia.

  And yet, we are so convinced it can work that we can end up wasting what time and wealth we possess in pursuit of that elusive (and impossible) gold.

  The real wealth is one's children. Trying to remain decent human beings until the kids grow old enough to differentiate from the parents, I feel, is a worthwhile goal. But, having your dreams trampled into mud on the one hand and building a bridge to the future on the other is not a walk in the park on a spring day. It costs you.

  I personally feel like a block of marble. Each day my present life comes along and chips off a little more of what I am. What will remain when the sculpting is done?

  T.
• 

  Es

  Having been in the situation of a bad marriage I opted out for the sake of my child. In the end I couldnt even stand to have my ex in the same room as me.....how could that be good for my son??? Even tho every now and then I have my doubts that i did the right thing especially when my 3 year old is shifted from pillar to post between me and his father i still think i did thr right thing. Who wants there children growing up thinkin a relationship is about fighting and direspecting??? es
• 

  Rod P

  Isn't it ironic that the very thing that is supposed to unite a family in love and faith and hope (i.e. God) can be the very thing that tears a family apart.

  Every religion tells you to marry in the faith. So you do that. But no-one and nothing prepares you for the possibility that one of you might change along the way, such as sincerely alter your beliefs. It was the very process of knocking on doors as a JW and talking to all kinds of householders of different backgrounds and religious persuasion that led to me joining another religion.

  Once the change is made, each Church/Organization tells you to pray to God about your mate, and the Holy Spirit will guide you and your mate, to unite you in this situation. Yet each one teaches you that you have the Truth and your mate does not. This reminds me of the situation in World War I & II, where each side was praying to the same God to help them win the war by defeating the enemy. Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition!

  Make no mistake, a religiously divided home is an environment of Spiritual Warfare, and the parties to the marriage are mere extensions of the religion they represent. It's like trying to imagine the JW Organization fellowshipping and living with the Mormon Church as a combination under one collective roof, and then expecting them to live in harmony. Try to mix Oil and Water together into a homogenous mixture; it just doesn't work.

  Rod P.
• 

  outoftheorg

  ROD I went through a similar situation and I found that the use of wbts teachings "wife of a non believer Is still to be submissive" "regarding his head ship and the childrens religious teachings", depends upon the type of local elders and the wifes personality and attitude.

  Some times it is successful and sometimes not.

  Often times there is or are problems of another nature than the religious disagreements. This was the case in my situation. My now ex wife also had some emotional problems that had been kept hidden. These then burst upon the scene and caused emotional chaos for her and extreme anger.

  I learned there are times when I cannot achieve the impossible.

  I also learned that I can not be of any use to others if I don't take care of and protect and have love for myself.

  I also learned that it is best for me and probably for others, that if I see something coming down the road of life, that I can not stop or change, it is best for everyone involved and especially me, that I do not just let it happen and then try to deal with the devastation.

  It is best if I take action earlier than that and bring it all to an end. Then get on with my life and do the best I can to protect and raise and love my children.

  This required my honest investigation of all issues I could call up and seeking the advice of others.

  But the final choice had to be mine.

  Unfortunatly I did not learn these things until the situation exploded. But it has been very useful from that time on.

  Outoftheorg