D.A. vs. Slow Fade

by Black Man 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Black Man

  Which is better in your estimation? Hit the BORG with a D.A. letter or do the slow fade. I'm finding the slow fade route works better for me. Too many family, friends and business contacts are JW's. For awhile I was hoping for some sort of reform movement (especially when I was at Bethel) but the chances of that happening are slim to none. At the same time, I couldn't just drop a D.A. letter out of the sky because that would just create too many problems that I have no time and motivation to deal with right now. So I'm slowly fading into the woodwork. Everybody figures that I'm busy with school and work (which I am and are convenient excuses). I hit 2 Sunday meetings and 1-2 TMS meetings a month and am slowly wittling that down.

  The WTS as much as they don't want to admit it is indeed a cult. I look at my life and realize that they by way of their views on association, isolationism and separatism had their tentacles in all facets of my life. So if and when the time comes where you want to leave, you're basically jacked for many years to come. The key is building a roster of friends, associates and contacts (and even family) outside of the WTS so that you have something to fill the void. It takes time and that's why the slow fade works for me.

  What about y'all? What the pros and cons of a quick and fast D.A. vs. a slow fade. Discuss...........
• 

  BoozeRunner

  Hi BlackMan,
  It seems the slow fade is working for you already. Thats the key-do it YOUR WAY, not theirs.

  Boozy
• 

  individuals wife

  For me personally I felt that the best way for me to leave with my head held high was to disassociate. I wanted the elders to know exactly why I had come to my decision, I didn't want them to be in any doubt. I had a lot of angst and bitterness to offload and wanted to make sure they had the whole picture.

  I also felt as though I wanted to make a clean break, throw it all off completely, I had tried to drift away once before and found it quite difficult. It was noticed that I was drifting and I was constantly bombarded with unwanted attention, visits, phone calls, literature deliveries, I just wanted it all to go away. Eventually their tactics worked and I was trawled back in during a time of weakness.

  This time I wanted it to be final, a complete severance. And it appears to have worked, no contact from any of them at all. Life is good again!

  I know that for a lot of people disassociation is not such an easy option where there are family members still in the organisation. I appreciate that I was fortunate in being able to leave and have my husband come out with me. For others drifting quietly away may be a more appropriate course of action.
• 

  RedhorseWoman

  I think that there are lots of advantages to the slow fade. I ended up taking that route, but it wasn't initially planned that way.

  When I first became inactive, I fully intended to work through "my" problem and eventually return. Typical good JW thinking....if you are emotionally trashed and battered by the treatment you receive in the congregation, it is YOUR fault because you are "allowing" the "imperfections of men" to "cloud your thinking"...even if the battering has gone on for years.

  At that point in time, DAing myself was not a consideration. The healing, however, DID begin, and even though I was eventually getting myself back into an active JW lifestyle, my perceptions had changed at that point. When the lies and hypocrisy in the congregation reared their ugly heads once again, I no longer blamed myself, but simply walked away...knowing for sure that this was NOT God's organization and that I was done with it. At that point in time, I didn't care enough about them to DA myself....I had better things to do.

  It's an advantage, though, in many areas. I could still associate with my family, and I can talk with active JWs. Also, if I get into a discussion with active JWs on a DB, I can truthfully say that they can discourse with me because I am neither DAed nor DFed. They may still think I'm horrible, but at least they don't feel guilty about not shunning me.
• 

  gsark

  For myself, I was df'd and so there was no 'outing method' issues with me. But three of my four children are unbaptised, approved associates and they just faded away, this means they can come back in if they want.

  But my oldest was baptised and married to a Witness whose family are witnesses. They have decided that if they ever left, they would do the 'fading' thing for the simple reason that they can 'come in' any time if a situation warranted it.

  Another advantage is that if you have something to say that is critical of the WTS, being still 'in' has more weight than being df'd, da'd or an 'apostate.' I mean really the WTS can't say that these comments are made by 'disgruntled ex-JW's' when they are still in good standing.

  Another advantage is that 'fading' still gives you access to the most recent literature and doctinal 'truths'.

  Another advantage is that 'fading' gives you access to those who are genuinely sad and searching over present WTS conditions. A 'faded' person is more accessible to someone like this, and in fact they have no one else to go to. Some JW's still 'in' consider this a kind of ministry.

  And lastly, as with substance abuse, domestic violence, unwed teenage pregnancies and a host of other social ills, the best use of time and emotional and other resources is to CATCH THEM YOUNG. Or in the case of JW's CATCH THEM STUDYING. A few well chosen words, slip a Watchtower into their hands, maybe slip them a WT CD-Rom and a 'search word' hint, and it's over before it is started and another one saved.

  But there are always some that just have no emotional resources or support system for such a course; they want out, they need out, for their own sanity. And it most certainly is appropriate, you can't help someone if you're dead!

  Great posting, great thread. Hope to see more like this.

  Life is a roller coaster. Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on!
• 

  bigboi

  Hey Black:

  I guess i kinda quick-faded myself. I didn't have any fam or extensive contacts in the org though. Although they were trying to make me a ministerial servant before I left. I also didn't know most of the stuff i know about the truew nature of what I was a part of.

  Assuming that you do know all those things about the org, I say you are taing the right course of action. You are not the guilty one here, so why should you risk losing all contact w/ your peeps. I don't think there's a point that big you need to make. I know your relationships are a bit strained, but do like Boozerunner said go ion your own terms, not the WTS's and their henchmen's. Try to stay in contact with your more liberal jw relatives and use caution and tact in your dealings with them. Who knows? You may be able to sow a few seeds w/ some of your fam along the way. However, you know how things and what you need to do. Just make sure it's what you want and not what anyone else wants.

  ONE....

  bigboi
• 

  SlayerLayer

  I was d'fd about 7 years ago, and have almost no contact with my family. I have a 2 year old that wouldn't know his grandmother if she walked in the door. She hasn't seen him but maybe three times in his life.

  I have a cousin, that has slowly faded out of the org. She moved to a different location, and the witnesses there don't even know she exists. As long as she doesn't have the label of being df'd or da'd, the family still includes her as family.

  As proud as I am that I am out of the borg, I wish that I would've slowly faded out. At least then, I would have family. Of course, the question raises, Is this the kind of family that I want my children to be around anyway?

  Slayer
• 

  JeffT

  I think the key is do what works for you. In our case after a year or so of study, we sent off a long letter to the society stating that we were no longer witnesses and why. (As always if anyone wants a copy e-mail me at [email protected])

  We, however, did not have close friends at the hall at that point, nor did we have a lot of family to deal with. And we'd gotten enough hints to know that the elders were going to be coming after us soon. So getting it our up front that we had reasons for leaving was important to us. Had we been DF'd who knows what rumors would have gone around.
• 

  Eusebius Hieronymus

  The fade ....
  and the double life it produces ...
  especially in younger males,

  is killing the organization and the GB just does not want to get it.
  Statistics are brutal.
• 

  bluesapphire

  My husband and I faded away. Then we moved and now no one in our area knows we're witnesses. I wait and wait for the "friends" to go door to door so I can ask questions and get them thinking (I hope some young teenagers come by one day) but we've been here since Feb and no one has ever knocked on our door.

  Funny thing is that my husband had just been appointed a MS and then he suddenly stopped going to meetings cold turkey. The elders tried to call on us and many times heard the TV on but we looked through the window and just didn't open the door. YOu should have seen the looks on their faces. They were moded! Six months went by and we never heard from them anymore. We never knew if he got deleted or not. Guess he must have. How embarassing for those elders who appointed him to begin with. Can you imagine responding to the circuit overseer when he asked them, "What happened to the brother we appointed last time I was here?" "Uh, well, he's inactive now..." Ha ha!