My Mother died...

by david_10 35 Replies latest jw friends

  • david_10
    david_10

    It happened one year ago today. June 4, 2004. They say these things take time and that recovery gets easier as time goes on, and I suppose that's true. But then again, some things leave a hole in your heart that will never go away. This is one of those things. Are your folks still alive? If they are, and if you're reading this, stop right now and give them a call and tell them you love them. You might not have the chance tomorrow, and that's the truth. Mom was only 70 which, by today's standard, is not that old. Especially since she had been a Witness her whole life and didn't smoke or have any other debilitating habits. She just got sick one day and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her and she died a couple of weeks later. One year ago today.

    My whole family for the most part are witnesses----------2nd and 3rd generation. My Mom and Dad were baptized around 1950 and we were the model witness family. Kingdom interests first, all the way. I was the first to notice that something was really wrong and to start asking questions and looking for answers. This was in the late 80's. It was a long struggle, but I finally figured out what a racket the WTBS is. Thank God for Ray Franz and the Internet. I then shared the knowledge with my younger brother and it didn't take him nearly as long as it took me to figure it out. Then he started talking to our Mom and Dad. They didn't want to accept it, they fought real hard, but they're intelligent people and they finally had to come to the realization that the "Truth" was anything but truth. This was in 2002.

    My brother and I both firmly believe, in retrospect, that this is what killed our mother. She was a very spiritual person, more so than anyone else in the family, I think. She had spent her entire life serving Jehovah God and wanting to do his will, and through good times and bad, she stayed the course. And then at age 68, she found out that she had been lied to. Screwed in the ass, to be blunt. It was real hard for her to accept. Oh, at first it was shocking and exciting to learn all this. But soon reality began to set in, and she realized that she had spent her entire life slaving as an unpaid employee for a book publishing company. She realized that she had been controlled and manipulated, and she realized how she had been cheated out of her life. She got extremely depressed and never recovered from it. A few weeks before she died, she approached my Dad and told him that was thinking about going back to meetings. My youngest brother is still an elder and still very faithful, and he had been trying to coax her into coming back. She told my Dad that she knew it wasn't the Truth, but she needed to go back for the social outlet. She found out that when you quit going to meetings, you lose every friend and relationship you've ever had. Even her own sister rejected her as unwholesome association. So she wanted to go back back. However, my Dad threw such a fit that she decided that she wouldn't. A couple of weeks later, she got sick and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. A couple of weeks after that, she was dead.

    My Dad, of course, is consumed with guilt----------------------he'd give anything if he would've encouraged her to go back. I don't think it would've made any difference-------------------she had already lost purpose and direction in life, and going back to meetings wouldn't've changed that. My brother talk and I about it a lot, and we both agree that if we could do it over again, we would never in any way whatsoever even hint that the FDS and the Society are anything other than what they claim to be. Ecclesiastes says that there's a time for everything: "A time to be silent and a time to speak." The problem is, is knowing which is which------------------sometimes you just don't know when to shut up. But if we could, we would let her go right on thinking that she was serving God and humanity and let her be happy thinking it.

    Winston Churchill once remarked that : "... truth is so precious that it should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies." I say that the truth is sometimes so precious that it shouldn't be revealed to someone who is only going to be devastated to learn it.

    We love you, Mom, and we miss you.

    David

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    Condolences in your loss, David. Anniversaries are hard.

    And what a dilema you present.
    Is it always in the "greater good" to free the parrot from the cage?

  • Stromboli
    Stromboli

    Sorry to hear your story.....

    You're right Truth is harder than lies...

    I lost both parents 13 years ago, my mom was only 47....

    time will teach you how to live with the pain, but it will never go away....Remember the good times, don't concentrate on the pain...

    forget the guilt part it will only complicate things ..... people die and it ain't your fault...

    My best wishes

  • Shania
    Shania

    So sorry for your broken heart. A mother is the only person who will love you unconditionally. I choose not to burden my ageing mother with the real truth about the truth----at this point in her life, it is all she has to keep her going..........all her children have left the religion, but we realize it is her life blood. So it will only hurt her in the end...........so let her believe in fairy tales, it keeps her happy, healthy, and with purpose in life no matter how long we have her for, plus it is her connection to people where she lives, so we just let her be and love her always..............

  • squinks
    squinks

    Thankyou for giving us all something to think about. Please don't feel guilty. I think you should send a copy of your post to the KH, or if you can manage it as a letter to the editor of your local paper. Perhaps her story could save a life by keeping someone from joining the cult or help some get out while they have time to build a new life.

    You did not inflict cruelty, that was the JW's. Damn them to hell.

  • hubert
    hubert

    So sorry to hear you lost your Mom a year ago.

    Don't feel guilty because you told her about the "truth". The guilt is on the Watchtower, for lying to your Mom and Dad all those years.

    You didn't know what effect telling your Mom about the w.t. was going to have on her.

    Take care.

    Hubert

  • david_10
    david_10

    I know exactly what you mean, Shania----------my mother-in-law is 90 and she still pioneers. She loves it, it's what keeps her going. The day she stops pioneering is the day she goes into the nursing home. So we think she's doing the best thing that she can be doing and we want her to keep her illusions. My experience with my own mother only reinforces that sometimes it's for the best to be nothing but encouraging.

    Thank you, Little Toe and Stromboli, for your expressions. This whole story is, of course, much more complicated than what I was able to post (all lives and stories are, you know), but we're all actually doing pretty good now. It does get easier, it just takes time. Thanks again for you expressions.

    David

  • david_10
    david_10

    Hi Hubert. Got your post a little late. Thanks for your sympathy. You know, the odd thing is, I don't really blame the Society for what happened. Mom was 70 and that's getting up there to the dying age, although she should've made it to 80, at least. But even though I hate the WTBS as much as anybody here, I don't blame them. I don't guess I blame anybody. It's just what happened and it happens to us all sooner or later.

    Good thought, Squinks------------------Guilt does no good at all, but it sure is there anyway. Lately, my few postings have been mostly about encouraging estranged families to make their peace and get back together, if possible, because I've seen first hand what guilt does. My Mom's sister, who wouldn't hardly speak to her for the last 2 years of her life has been destroyed with guilt. She just can't shed it. She was at Mom's bedside shortly before she died and I've never seen such grief. And she still has it. I think she'll spend the rest of her life with that burden. So all you people who are on the outs with your parents or brothers or sisters or children because the old geezers in Brooklyn say they can't talk to you---------------------------------don't hold a grudge. Do what you can to make it up because sooner or later, somebody's going to be on their death bed and there's going to be more than enough guilt to go around.

    Thanks, Squinks

    David

  • MidwichCuckoo
    MidwichCuckoo

    Oh David - you're so right what you said -

    ''Are your folks still alive? If they are, and if you're reading this, stop right now and give them a call and tell them you love them.''

    Often we take people for granted - assume they will ALWAYS be there. My very deepest sympathy (and empathy) for your loss. x

  • Gill
    Gill

    So sorry to hear the David.

    But don't feel guilty. You don't know that she may have been ill already and that's a hard thing to judge.

    Guilt is a normal part of grieving so don't go blaming yourself. It's a very, very sad fact of life that any of us can die at any time from anything....so that being the case, do we go around trying to lie to eachother and not help eachother.

    You did the right thing telling your parents the truth.Your motives were correct. Just events conspired against you. Life is full of these awful shocks. Let the guilt go. You don't deserve to wear that badge of misery.

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