Feeling So Alone

by troubled 37 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  troubled

  I have to post tonight. I'm feeling so alone. Stopped here at the library to post this, on my way to the book study. I don't know why. Just feeling kind of desparate, I guess.

  I'm starting to feel like I don't belong anywhere. There's a knot in my stomach, squeezing my guts, and I'm afraid if I don't get a grip, I'll go to the meeting and cry. But I'll go put a smile on and no one will think twice about it. I don't really blame any JW in particular. Everyone's just too busy with their own life to care that much, or to show it.

  My husband is staying home tonight. If you've read my posts before, you know we both struggle with depression. But even tho he's discouraged, I can't share with him anything I've seen on the Web. He's still very much against "apostate" stuff.

  I feel like we're both hanging by a few threads, and losing ground each day. I'm so scared about doing the wrong thing. I want to serve Jehovah, but something's not right anymore, and I can't figure out how to make it right.

  I'm not ready to leave. I don't want to leave. But I'm starting to feel the congregation isn't my home anymore.

  I'll go to the meeting, pray all the way there, and try not to cry. Then, on my way home, I'll stop at the library again to see if anyone has any advice at all. If not, that's OK. Just knowing somebody will read this and care helps.

  I'm sorry to be whining. Tonight's just a hard one for me. Tomorrow, I will probably feel better.

  But tonight, I feel very much like an orphan, and so very alone.
• 

  ChuckD

  My thoughts will be with you. I wish that this were an easy situation to deal with, but it is not. But take heart in knowing that you are very much not alone in this, and that many others have been where you are now and know how dificult it is. We also know that once you move on from this place, life will only get better.

  cd
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  Flip

  Just knowing somebody will read this and care helps.

  Troubled, although I don’t necessarily respond to posts like yours because so many here provide better than myself…I read your excellent post, please don’t be a stranger if at all possible.

  Flip
• 

  blondie

  Troubled, I haven't read all of your posts...are you seeing a physician about the physical aspects of your depression? That's a start...it's hard to fight a battle on two fronts.

  Do you and your husband have any outside interests, art, dancing, cooking, learning a language, travel clubs, exercise clubs, sports, etc. Getting out an evening a week and mingling with people that are learning something creative could help.

  I don't know, it seems when disillusionment sets in with the KH, it's like finding out your spouse has not been faithful....should you stay or should you go? Should you stay awhile until you get your life focused in another way? If you stay, it will never be the same.

  The emperor has no clothes on! Don't be convinced otherwise.
• 

  biblexaminer

  Cheer up. We are all out here doing this together. Hey, just think about my situation and it'll take your mind off it for a while.

  What's my situation? I am the conductor at the stupid thing. That's right. This week I have to start the drones in on the "new" book. I have to listen to all the mouths re-speaking the Watchtower nonsense, and what's more, I have to commend them for their "fine comments" and "deep thinking".... GAG

  If you think it's hard to look at and put up with the study conductor, just imagine how hard it is for him (me). He has to look into all the tired faces, and listen to dribble, and act like it's all just dandy. He might even have to go on a shepherding call after the stupid thing to tell sister "troubled" that she's not living up to the standard, service is low, attitude is bad.

  Now, do you want to switch places? I suffer from depression too, and I hide it. That which keeps me sane are a few things. I have a real good friend, another "bro", although he's not going anymore and the CO,DO BOE are all on his doorstep (he works alot to keep away) bugging him. He helps me stay on top. As well, I have my clandestine work, and doing this, as well as seeing the fallout in the local congos, fills my needs.

  Get a hold of yourself sis. We are in a war here. Don't clamp up on us. Do battle! You need to study and learn more so that you will be convinced thoroughly of what's true. The WTBTS is a bunch of ego-maniacs. I don't care how "sincere" they think they are, their NUTS. They are the ones who ought to be depressed, and they will be!

  If you need somebody who's "in", who understands, then [email protected]
• 

  Frenchy

  Troubled:
  I've been there. Perhaps I have not yet completely sheared away. In time the anxiety will subside but as long as you care you will feel an uneasiness at never knowing for sure if you are on the right path. The truth is a journey, not a destination. Whenever you fell comfortable you will be going the wrong way. It's during those times when you are most troubled that you are the closest to God.

  "...God chose the foolish things of the world, that he might put the wise men to shame; and God chose the weak things of the world, that he might put the strong things to shame; 28 and God chose the ignoble things of the world and the things looked down upon, the things that are not, that he might bring to nothing the things that are, 29 in order that no flesh might boast in the sight of God." 1 Cor 1:27-29

  As Chuck has already noted, you are not alone. There is not a sincere person in the world who has at any time sought to find God that has not been troubled in some way or other.

  "Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in insults, in cases of need, in persecutions and difficulties, for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am powerful." 2 Cor 12:10

  It is when you are the weakest that God is the closest. For even Christ himself had to suffer in order to learn obedience.

  "Although he was a Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered" Heb. 5:8

  When we are weak and suffering and in anguish and great turmoil we are in good company. For Christ suffered also. I wish you well, sis.

  -Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it-
• 

  Skeptic

  Troubled,

  You sound very depressed. Although this is often a symptom of leaving a high control group, in your case it could have another cause such as medical.

  Thank you for posting. I am far from an expert on depression, so I don't have any real advice. I do hope you try to go easy on yourself.

  I hope you are seeking medical help and/or therapy. Depression is 90% treatable with a combination of medication and therapy.

  >I'm starting to feel like I don't belong anywhere. There's a knot in my stomach, squeezing my guts, and I'm afraid if I don't get a grip, I'll go to the meeting and cry.

  That's what made me think you are very depressed.

  >My husband is staying home tonight. If you've read my posts before, you know we both struggle with depression. But even tho he's discouraged, I can't share with him anything I've seen on the Web. He's still very much against "apostate" stuff.

  That must make your journey very lonely. I was allow when I made my journey of discovery about the "truth". My wife at the time was a devote JW, and so I had no one to talk to as well. It was very difficult.

  >I feel like we're both hanging by a few threads, and losing ground each day. I'm so scared about doing the wrong thing. I want to serve Jehovah, but something's not right anymore, and I can't figure out how to make it right.

  I hope it gives you comfort knowing that how you are feeling is perfectly normal. When I did not want to do the wrong thing, what I did was research pro-and-con about the JWs. If the JWs have the truth, then their teaching can withstand questioning. If Jehovah is a God of Truth, then He will not mind you doing research on the JWs.

  You will also find it benefical to do research on cults/high control groups. Also learn what happened when you leave such a group, especialy the bible-based cults. Learning the truth about groups such as the JWs causes cognitive dissodence. cognitive dissodence is a painful feeling your brain has when your beliefs, actions, and emotions do not agree with eachother.

  You may also feel the following, which are perfectly normal, and eventually do go away:
  depression;
  fear of dying in Armageddon;
  not trusting yourself;
  anger at the JW religion;
  anger at yourself;
  loneliness;
  socially inept.

  These problems usually go away on their own, and your friends on the Internet can help with others.
  
  >I'm not ready to leave. I don't want to leave. But I'm starting to feel the congregation isn't my home anymore.

  Then don't leave, at least not yet. Do what you feel is comfortable. If you do not feel comfortable with JWs, you will probably leave eventually anyway. You may want to start a network of non-JW friends so that leaving the JWs will not be so lonely.

  Even when I was a devote JW, I rarely felt the congregation was home. There was never a JW I felt completely comfortable with.

  >I'll go to the meeting, pray all the way there, and try not to cry. Then, on my way home, I'll stop at the library again to see if anyone has any advice at all. If not, that's OK. Just knowing somebody will read this and care helps.

  I hope this response encourages you. Email me.

  >I'm sorry to be whining. Tonight's just a hard one for me. Tomorrow, I will probably feel better.

  You are not whining. We have all been there, and it is hard. Doubly hard if you suffer from depression.

  >But tonight, I feel very much like an orphan, and so very alone.

  Please accept a cyber-hug from me. I hope you will be OK. Email me and we can "talk". My time is limited, so my email responses might be slow.

  Richard
• 

  Francois

  You aren't - by any stretch of the imagination - whinning. You are having a very normal reaction to the realization that you're betrayed by something or some one(s) you dearly loved. The reaction to that is almost uniformly heartache, and sometimes even nausea. What you describe is to be expected. I hope you'll stick with us and lean on the shoulders of those who WON'T betray you.

  Much Love,
  Frank
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  Preston

  Hi Troubled, I very soooooooo sorry that feel sad right now! I honestly think some counseling would do and your husband some good. Personally, I think I'm a pretty unbiased person and you would benefit yourself if you started looking at other avenues where you can build your support group. Alot of people on the boards will be quick to tell you that you need to take an immmediate stand and simply stop going to meetings. While such an option is considerable for some, I don't recommend it right now, since such an exit can be very disheartening and you need encouragement now more than anything. Many people on the boards have felt comfortable getting some degree of spiritual education (albeit deeply flawed) at the meetings while continuing to build a support group elsewhere. Personally, I think I was kind of lucky. I was able to distance myself well from the meetings while I was going to college where I was able to see a University counselor and build my support group. Now, don't get me wrong, my Mom was upset, but then again, she hasn't gone out in service for two years so her spiritual zeal wasn't as uppity as that of other family members. But seriously, start building up a support group in your area, see a counselor if possible.You're a very sweet person, and I want you to get some happiness. A good person like you shouldn't have to suffer by feeling shunned and isolated. I hope I have given you some good advice.
• 

  Patriot

  Im sorry ti hear that you and you husband both have depression spells.

  But I will tell you that you are not alone, by any means.

  I was so depressed by all the nonsense that happened to me of not "feeling at home" anymore and of not having anyone to talk to who can understand the thing that I was discovering that I wound up enlisting in the Army (enlisting in your 30's is not easy).

  I thought that I could find a "home" a group of people that I can again learn to depend on. Although I did, and had many experiences that I shared with my platoon and primarily my squad, It took me all this time to figue out that that these feelings happen to all of us that wind up discovering the lies and deceit of the WTS.

  I was depressed for along time and like you position my wife origanally did not want to know about any "apostate" info.
  But time passed and she started realizing what has been said all along by our friends on this board and previously H20.

  Try to keep your head up knowing that soon you will be free of the yoke that is weighing you down now. You will soon be free to follow Jesus's words without any men to tell you how and when and what it means. That is the greatest freedom of all.

  When I would go to sleep under the constant gunfire and bombing in the windy deserts of Iraq I would get so depressed thinking about what this Borg org. drove me to do. But now I don't have enough words to express my joy and satisfaction in life.

  You soon will feel better.

  Maverick