Feeling So Alone

by troubled 37 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  noidea

  Troubled,
  I hope when you read these post you will be feeling better.
  I am also having the same feelings. Wanting to do what is right and afraid if you walk away it will be the wrong decision.
  My fear is that if my doubts are wrong that it will affect my daughter. I am very close to her and shudder to think of the consequences. I know that whatever happens is going to affect her.
  It just isn't fair that no matter what you do, stay in and be miserable or leave and be judged as not having love for Jehovah it is going to affect others.
  I told my mother of my doubts she took it well, I think she has known for a long time the struggle I have. She did have to throw the knife and say that I was very spiritually sick. She is a regular pioneer and lives for the truth. She is probably blaming it on my prozac.
  Troubled, you are by no means alone there is unconditional love here being a JW that is something we really know NOTHING about.
  Whatever you decide you will be accepted. What a different thought. You need to think about things before you act on any impulse. My Dr. put me on an anti-depressant and it does help.
  I think that the studies of JW's and depression are so true. I think that the depression stems from knowing there is something missing. It is like a constant mourning of a death. I had to realize it was me that was dying in order to start coping with it. We don't fit in the truth. We are not suppose to fit in with the world so where do we turn for support? You have already figured that out, you are here with so many that have or are going through the same thing.
  Hello, My name is noidea and I am a lost and confused JW.
  Much love and hugs to you!
  Keep in touch.
• 

  Sam Beli

  Hi Troubled,

  Let me add one more voice to those who have already said that you are not alone. We do not say that to gain sympathy for ourselves, but because there is often comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Indeed, you are not alone. Many of us have gone through exactly what you are now experiencing. Does knowing that help? I certainly hope so.

  The Internet may be your best friend, in that you can “talk” with others like us who do know what you are going through. What brought us here? I don’t know what brings you here, maybe just a gut feeling that something is not right. Or perhaps, like me, it was the realization as I faced death, that the WTS's positions on blood defied reason, scripture and was medically indefensible. For others it was the deception about the WTS history; for others it has been the failings in connection with dates set by the Society.

  What is creating doubts in your mind (I have not read previous posts by you)? Listen to that inner voice, it may be trying to tell you something important.

  Warmest regards,

  Sam Beli

  PS I’ll be praying for you
• 

  SixofNine

  Very sorry for your anguish, Troubled. I'm rooting for you. I know that it can and will be better for you.
• 

  JT

  Troubled

  this is my advice to you if you are serious-

  1. i see your mailbox is LOCKED- have you taken the opportunity to email any of us here one on one- if not then you need to- for this way you can start to build a new clientle of friends that YOU WILL NEED

  2. If you have not spoken to anyone voice to voice- then you need to--
  the net is fine to communicate over- but you need to speak to someone voice to voice

  for us just hearing that a real live breathing person on the other end of the phone was so important to us

  i showed your post to my wife and she has beening talking with so many females lately about our exp and just providing the comfort that you need right now

  regardless of whether it is my wife and i you contact, you need to contact SOMEONE

  there are just too many good folks up here for you not to take advantage of their help

  if you need to arrange for someone to call you at a payphone at burger King etc- then by all means arrange for it

  but you need to speak with someone and you will not believe the difference it will make

  currently you are correct YOU ARE ALONE i was under the impression that you and your husband shared the same view- i was fortunate- my wife was ready to go years before i was- just felt much like you

  the congo had no love- but being an elders wife seh like you put on the HAPPY FACE and went to meetings

  so please if you are serious about this issue then you must take advantage of the opportunities that all of us are trying to extend to you

  i realize that the FEAR is unreal , but you got to take a chance

  email someone here that you have come to admire based on thier post- perhaps another woman- since women in the org share a common bond
  YOU ALL GET THE SHAFT- SMILE

  OR feel free to email me- set up a dummy email account for privacy

  today my dear friend unlike jw of old YOU HAVE THE TOOLS at your finger tips to help you deal with what you are going thru

  PLEASE USE THEM

  james

  [email protected]

  about few weeks ago i put out on the net an open question

  ANY TIRED JW IN THE WASHINGTON DC AREA- i got a response from 13 folks

  we arranged alittle dinner over at our house an a number of them showed up - the rest due to schedules were not able to make it , but they appreicated having someone just to bounce things off

  we are planning another one in about 3 or 4 weeks

  it was great - we had inactive, df and da folks over= and we all shared the same concerns and pains

  so take a chance YOU CAME HERE TO THIS SITE do what you got to do
  you have already taken the first step ust by being here

  let us help you
• 

  msil

  Dear Troubled,

  Just try to take it one day at a time for now. As you can see their are many of us on here who are lonely. I am constantly surrounded by other people but I have no one to pour my heart out to either. The only thing I can do is to take one day at a time too and I find it really helpful to try and enjoy the smaller timgs in life right now.

  I share your feeling about just wanting to burst into tears because felling like you don't fit in with a belief system is just so hard - especially if you have invested many years in it and have faithfully followed the counsel of not having any association/friends outside of the organization. Do you have any friends outside of the organization? Are your parents JW's too?

  One thing that has helped me is knowledge. Knowledge is power and the more knowledge you have about what is happening to you the better off you will be. As Witnesses we strive to adhere to the counsel of "putting on the new perosnality" don't we? Is the new personality really you? The reason why I ask is because trying to live as someone else can really make you feel lonely and depressed especially when you feel like you are failing. Most of us do not realize that the "new personality" is not really us and when we fail or feel unhappy as this "new person" we get down on ourselves. We are taught to do that too aren't we? Don't we always feel like we aren't doing enough? Don't we always feel like we are sinning because we miss meetings? Or perhaps our field service is below the national average? Or perhaps our prayers aren't being answered and therefore we must have a "lack of faith"? Or perhaps we have a sin which we have not confessed? I could go on for pages and pages in this regard...

  The point being if we feel like we are falling down then we start to feel unworthy. If we feel we are unworthy then we feel like we are not sure we will make it through Armageddon or that our children will die because of our actions...

  Troubled these are symptoms of Mind Control at work. I know that is a horrible concept and I know each of us feels that we are thinking for ourselves - most of us are intelligent people (we have been trained to study and to memorize things haven't we?). But the sad fact is that it is true.

  When I first thought about the fact that I might be a subject of a mind control operation I quickly dismissed it. I thought to myself that "I am not brainwashed!!! I am a person with a very high IQ and I am successful - how can I be under mind control?"

  Then I read a book by Robert Cialdini. It is entitled "Influence - the Psychology of Persuasion".

  http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0688128165/qid=996806281/sr=2-1/104-6765175-6708760

  I encourage you to read it. Do not worry it is not on the "apostate reading list" - in fact I have never even seen it mentioned here. Dr Cialdini is currently Regent Professor of Psychology at Arizona State University - not some apostate or guy affiliated with cults.

  I promise all of you that it is the most important piece of work on the subject of mind control ever written. I encourage you to read the chapters on Social Proof, Reciprocation and Authority. While reading those chapters think about your interractions with other Witnesses and your thoughts as a Witness. Then ask yourself if that describes you - are you the subject of these chapters? I was and in some ways I still am. But once I realized what was going on I was able to look for these techniques and they no longer had any effect on me and I was then able to start thinking for myself for the first time in over 30 years. Once you can start thinking for yourself then you can start being yourself and figuring out who you REALLY are. Troubled, you are not a robot or a sheep (I mean a blind follower by that) - you are a thinking feeling human being who needs to have true meaning in your life based upon the way you feel about yourself. as long as you are trying to fit some other mould you will never find the happiness you so desperately want and DESERVE. We all desrve to be free and we all deserve to be happy.

  Learn that mind control is the source of your depression. I am not going to be an authority figure and tell you to leave the Witnesses or to stay a Witness. You will have to reach whatever conclusion you need to on your own. You have to know that you are a proper individual - afree individual that feels they make a real contribution to society and your family without the guilt or fear associated from having to live and dance to a tune that does not fit who you really are.

  The real you is alive!! Have no fear I promise you that the REAL you exists -- in fact you know the real you exists right now - that's the "other" person inside you that is needing to be released - the REAL you is telling you that YOU need to listen - just like any other part of you does - for instance when your body is run down it gets sick and makes you feel a certain way doesn't it - it is telling you to "eat right and/or get exercise and take better care of me!!"? Well our personality is just the same - if our REAL personality is being constricted by some "OTHER" personality the REAL one will Tell you all about it.

  I have more but I want you to think about what I have said so far. Perhaps what I have written will affect you....if it does empower yourself take in knowledge of the way the human peronality works. You will find many people telling you to read books about cults....you aren't ready for them. The word "cult" is a dirty word to us. Please read about what Robert Cialdini has to say - if you like I can continue to use specific material from his work and try to show you or any others how "personality conditioning" affects us and together we can find ways to release the REAL personality - the free personality which can grow and can can start to enjoy our lives.
• 

  jurs

  Dear Troubled,

  I've read a number of your posts but didn't know your situation. It helps talking and sharing with others. This site has been helpful to me when I was struggling and needed to vent or a listening ear. Perhaps in some small way it may help you too. It also may help knowing that your not alone.
  I think its helpful knowing others are going through the same thing. Biblexaminer , I don't know how you do it. You have more self control than I do. I could never keep my feelings bottled up.
  Hang in there. You'll be okay, your just finding your way. I hope things turn out well for you.
  Jurs
• 

  Grunt

  Hi Troubled,
  A lot of good advice has been offered, a lot of caring people have responded. You are on a lot of good peoples minds and they are all wishing you well. I hope that makes you feel just a little less, alone. Some depression is a result of chemical imbalances that medicine can help. If you and your husband are fighting depression, then you probably already know this and have been to doctors for help. I hope so. I would also urge you to do something to get your mind involved in helping other people. If you can find a way to help others, I think it almost always helps you.
  In regards to the religion, take your time. Don't do anything rash. Protect your relationship with your husband. Life is sweet and it is yours to enjoy. Don't waste a minute of it. Look around, it's beautiful. You know the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Breathe deep, take walks, life is good.

  A friend,
• 

  Tina

  (((((((((troubled))))))))))))(((((((((((everyone)))))))))))

  Dear Troubled,
  My heart goes out to you.So many of us have gone thru these feelings. Everyone has given such wonderful suggestions,I cant really add more except to say you're not alone. We will be here. You know what you can or cant handle right now. Don't go into emotional overload.Step back,take deep breaths. You will get thru this phase,that's all it is.It will not always be like this. It WILL get better. Email addys and people are here. I'd like to email my addy to you if you'd have it. Wishing you courage and strength.luv,Tina
• 

  Billygoat

  troubled,

  Please know that I am praying even as I write this. (((hugs)))

  I have fought depression off and on for years since my DFing. I treated it several different ways. I sought counseling. I took anti-depressants. I let myself cry on the shoulders of those I knew were safe. I prayed alot.

  Last year, for some reason it just went away. I finally got enough confidence. I finally understood my relationship with God wasn't tied to me through my JW parents or the WTS. I finally "got a grip" as they say. I cannot explain it. It wasn't me who "got it together". It was all by the grace of God. He continued to take care of me outside of the Tower. And I finally let Him!

  You are not whining. You are grieving for a loss. A loss of hopes, dreams, beliefs. It's okay. It's human. Please know that there are MANY here that LOVE YOU and WANT the best for you! We DO understand! Come to this board and vent/cry/express as much as you want. It won't scare us off. We won't leave you.

  You will continue to be in my prayers. Please email me personally, if you want to talk privately. Hang in there it DOES get better!

  Lots of Christian love,
  Billygoat
• 

  Farkel

  JT,

  : we arranged alittle dinner over at our house an a number of them showed up - the rest due to schedules were not able to make it , but they appreicated having someone just to bounce things off

  : we are planning another one in about 3 or 4 weeks

  You are one of the finest human beings I've even known in my 53 years of life. I consider it an honor and a privilege to have known you and to still know you, sir.

  Farkel