Hello everyone, I have been keeping up with posts on this board for about four years now, been a member for about one year but have never had the courage to make my first post. So now I'm going to make that first step to get rid of that fear I had of betraying myself, and vent my experiences and frustrations with this faith. I think this board will be a good way for me to make acquaintances of people with similar feelings that I have regarding the Jehovah's Witnesses, as well as a good outlet for my frustrations as a JW, and get some advice as to maybe getting a reasonable exit strategy in the near future. Well, a bit about myself I suppose. Here's some of my story: PART 1 I'm a male in my mid twenties, born and raised a Dub with an elder father and on again off again pioneering mom. Both are career professionals too. My family has been JW since my grandparents, giving me a strong "spiritual heritage" in the org. Growing up I never had any reason to doubt the faith. It had done my folks well, as well as many others I knew or I was oblivious to their problems. I had a comfy lifestyle, prominent father in the cong., and I must admit that the TMS and reading all those publications as a kid helped me easily excel throughout my early schooling: I read and spoke much better than any of the kids at my school. Then again, it was a pretty ghetto school district. I was still a very shy kid. I had no fear in field service as a kid because my faith was so strong, of course nothing would go wrong because JEHOVAH was on MY side. Still, I was timid in other settings. I got stomach aches before school each day and before meetings, and was nauseated when put in difficult situations. Situations like telling your classmates, "no, I can't hang out with you because your not my religion" or defending why I can't celebrate so-and-so's birthday, let alone my own, or any holidays for that matter. "Well, you see, we can hang out if you come with me to MY church or MY 'holiday', the KH or Memorial." But still no reason to doubt the faith...until I was molested by an older boy in the congregation. He was the son of my dad's friend, and every time I was dropped off there I knew what to expect. I couldn't say anything to my parents, what would they think of the trouble I caused? I thought, "my father will blame me, whip me!" "I'll ruin the parents' relationship!" I'll smear the older brother's name!" My disposition changed, I grew angry, confused, betrayed by G-D. After all the good I had done, his spirit left me, as a young child, with it seemed no one and nothing to turn to, except him. So, I never spoke of it after 2-3 years of the ordeal (ended when I was about 7) until I was 16. At that point, it was a non issue with my parents, just as long as I wasn't gay. I bitterly submerged myself more and more into the JW lifestyle for refuge. As a kid after that incident, I became more removed from other children, a nerd in school that stayed in the books (which paid off) and at the meetings (I had no choice but it was my only social outlet). I never felt worthy, no matter how much I prayed or repented or "tried" out in field service. But still, I excelled in school and in the ministry. Lots in the cong. asked if I wanted to go to Bethel, and I said I might. My parents encouraged me to pursue it, but also wanted me to go get some education after high school to be able to take care of myself at least, if I didn't get in or got kicked out for some reason. I think this was in the mid nineties, when the society was supposedly getting more lenient about college. But still, to put "first things first" and encourage my spiritual needs first, the fam and I took a sacred pilgrimage to Bethel, OH JOY!!! ...well, I'll post the second part of my story and some questions for you all later. Otherwise, I hope this was an ok intro. I look forward to getting to know some of you and having some good discussions.
"College, oh no!" PT 1-New guy here
by theundecided2004 35 Replies latest jw friends
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MelbaToast
Wow, what a great first post! Im so glad you decided to join the living; venting all your frustrations is very freeing sometimes..Realize you are around friends here and welcome!
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DannyBloem
Welcome,
I regognize some things in your story in myself.
Hope to hear the rest of it soon.
Dammy
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misguided
Welcome theundecided2004. Glad you could finally get up the courage to post. I think most of us understand the apprehension, though, after what we've been programmed to think-feel-hate about these types of places.
Having been sexually abused by a JW friend of the family, I could relate to your comment:
I couldn't say anything to my parents, what would they think of the trouble I caused? I thought, "my father will blame me, whip me!" "I'll ruin the parents' relationship!" I'll smear the older brother's name!" My disposition changed, I grew angry, confused, betrayed by G-D.
While attempting to tell my parents during a dinnertime when I was 16, I couldn't quite find the words to say, and inadvertently said something negative about the elders. My elder father picked up the steak-knife he was using and pointed it at me and said that I was NEVER TO TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT THE BROTHERS AGAIN! I got the message.
I was left feeling hated by God, like I must be a "goat" because he obviously did not care much about me. I've felt worthless, like no matter how much effort I put into trying to be a good jw, it was never good enough. I felt like all my "good works" were in vain because I was never going to make it to paradise anyway, because god just couldn't love me because god knew I had a bad heart. I just wanted to cause problems for the organization. Certainly my trying to talk about it was not because it may have been a legitimate cry for help. I knew I didn't want to cause a problem, I just wanted to be acknowleged, heard, comforted, helped. After years of being "shut up" I even began to think that I imagined the abuse.
It took over 20 years to start to seriously trust my own memories and feelings. What a liberation it was to finally speak openly and truthfully about what happened, feel believed, and NOT judged like it was somehow YOUR fault the abuse happened. I hope you get the same relief from finally speaking.
((((HUGS))))
Rose
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sweet tee
Welcome to the board undecided (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
What a compelling recount of growing up JW. I left when in my late twenties. Part of the reason was to spare my children the pain of growing up in that joy-sapping-guilt-ridden-burden-loading-BS or a religion.
btw - this is a great place to vent!!! lol
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stopthepain
welcome to the sight.I was also raised a jdub.Great post ,looking foward to the 2nd installment.
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damselfly
Welcome aboard! I am new myself but have been made to feel welcome by everyone who responds.
Please feel free to share whatever is on your mind
Damselfly
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Purza
Welcome theundecided. Yes it was an "ok" first post. Looking forward to part two.
Purza
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kwintestal
Welcome. Your story seems very much like my own, and many others here.
Kwin
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Nathan Natas
Hi TU2004,
That was a great first post - and it didn't hurt a bit, did it?
I hope you'll soon tell us the rest of your story.