help (page 3)

Frannie Banannie

Welcome to the JWD forum, Lot. Lotsa good advice here, I see. Meanwhile, you and your wife might consider investing in a coupla good sets of earplugs....for meeting attendance.

Frannie

Hey Lot. 2 years ago I was in the same boat. Eventually, I laid everything on the line to my wife. Told her all my concerns and stopped doing anything "JW". She ratted me out to the elders, but that was it. The next year was hell, and many times both of us didn't know if we were going to be able to stick through it together. All this time though, I planted seeds of doubt and encouraged her to look outside what is written by the WTS. I started getting friends outside of the JW org. Everything was set up, so when she finally decided that it was her time to leave, it was a smooth transition from being a JW to an ex-JW.

In all honesty, what you need is an exit plan. Work on yourself first, then your wife.

Kwin

Lot

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. Some were especially helpful. One thing I have to say is that thankfully my marriage was not based on "theocratic principles". We didnt get married because we had the same spiritual goals or anything like that. Of course, neither of us at the time would have looked outside of the WTS for a marriage partner, but we married because we loved each other; plain and simple.

I have read CoC already and while my wife wouldnt read it she listened with interest as I related much of the book to her. She's not ready to leave; I am, but I could never leave without her. The reason being that she would go through too much agony at the hall from the "friends" because of her crazy husband. I could never put her through that.

Its comforting to know that I am not alone in this although there is no easy answer. My struggle will be to continue on until she is ready to leave and in the process put into action some of the strategies that you have mentioned. Some said to be true to myself. That is a noble and sound suggestion, but you must realize that there would be no me without my wife. I don't mean to gross anyone out with too much mush, but for me that is the truth. I realize everyone's circumstances are different and I dont mean to criticize anyone else's decisions that they have had to make. I am only telling my story.

I would appreciate any furhter comments any have to make,

Thank you so much,

Lot

I quit!

Yeah, I'm stubborn -- it took 15 years! But here I am!

Nina, you give me hope!

kc2002

Lot,

I am currently disfellowshipped and have been for 8 yrs. I have struggled most of my life even being raised in the truth with what I should do. I often look in the sky and wonder if Jehovah is smiling at me or hurt by my conduct. I asked my father since he is an elder why he thought I may be on the outside for so long since I am currently livingmy life wholesomely and his response to me was that I lacked faith.

I am so fearful of not making it into paradise, I have just said "What do i have to lose by going back?" I want to be low Key with it all but I know what you are feeling. My advice is to live and be happy with what decisions you make and know that there is always a calm before and after the storm.

No matter what choices you make someone always has something to say about them. My mother is apostate and divorced my father 21 yrs ago. I just look at her and see her pain and her stubborness and she claims she is happy. I dont want to be like her. Pray and follow your heart. Patience is the best thing and know that the good qualities you have learned from the organization are helpful in your day to day living. Just dont be a fake!!!! Live to your happiness and respect your wife and her feelings as well.

Sincerely,

CC

Wasanelder Once

Ya know Lot, by fading you will leave certain doors open for yourself. That's a given. By doing as you are, sharing little things with your wife, you reflect the Society's own strategy on them. Funny to think you are trying to make your believing mate into an unbeliever after years of nudging to do the opposite. Take it slow and fade. you have privileges? I'd say you could tell the elders you need time to try and look after your family's spirituality and can't do talks anymore. That at least will stop that. If they insist, you can say you are not up to it now. The watchtower says you have to look out for your family or you are as a man without faith.

Little by little just progressively fade. Dont volunteer anything more at the meetings than a hello or a nod or two. Dont let them grill you. People aren't stupid, well, er um, maybe some, they will slow up showing an interest in you but not shun you. Then go on about your business

I wish you well.

W.Once

vitty

Just take your time, and fade. My husband was also a servant but had realized it wasnt the truth, we went through a lot of pain for 2 years it nearly wrecked our marriage. Fortunatly we had married before I became involved in it so had a relationship beyond the borg. I had my doubts but didnt want to leave I still thought it was the truth

Then I found this site and started reading about ppls experiences and the scandles of the WTS, that previously I never knew about. Anyway we started to fade, it was quite rapid, but we were in a new congregation and that made it a lot easier. We have NEVER had a elder visit !!!

Is it possible to move towns, that will help a lot. The only problem we have is that no one from our old cong or family know we dont go anymore, and thats tricky when they visit

Kc I went back to the "truth" 20 years ago, I wish I had done some research on the organzation before I went back in

You say you have nothing to lose by going back, my friend you do, more than you can imagine, please read the "best of " section on this site.

Lot and Kc the secret is not to rush things, Lot dont rush to get out, Kc dont rush to go in

Good luck to both of you

MidwichCuckoo

Lot, welcome. There is nothing I can say to help. I am of the ''be true to yourself'' line of thought. But YOU are right, once you're married, ''youself'' consists of TWO people. Your wife knows your feelings, and probably sees you going through a turbulent time. Her life too is now affected. There is no easy answer.

I will say, IF you continue the 'pretence' (as many have, and some still do on here) how will you feel in 6 months' time? I find it sad that the only people who BELIEVE they have a conscience and a right to be respected for their religion is the JW. There is no compromise.

Keep talking. Best Wishes. Midwich.

PopeOfEruke

Lot

tell ya wife "Don't Look Back"! and tell her to cut down on the salt.

Cheers mate! All the best - there's no easy answer unfortunately.

Pope

TheListener

Lot, welcome to the board.

I can have true empathy for you. I don't have a lot of advice because I'm just struggling my way through this as well. I'm currently fading and have been doing it for a couple years.

One thing I'll say, if your wife knows you aren't a true believer but going through the motions, it may be more stressful for her than if you were a great husband (and possibly father) who loved, honored, cherished and respected your wife but didn't attend meetings or do service. If you didn't attend anymore one of two things will happen. The KH will give her extra love and sympathy, which she'll appreciate or there won't be much concern at all and she'll feel neglected. Most (maybe some elders would be exceptions to this) aren't going to make her feel bad for a decision you made. They will pity her but the only real pressure to get you reactivated will be from some elders and especially her parents.

You've made it very clear that you are more interested in her well being than yourself. Remember, she probably feels the same way. Perhaps talking with her directly about your fade will help you develop an acceptable plan.

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