What to say...

by wanderlustguy 28 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  talesin

  Hey Donny,

  The biggest lesson learned from relentless, horrific childhood abuse is that we are unlovable. Sounds like you are ready to 'unlearn' this lesson. Love truly is the power supreme, but as children, we were taught differently. The mixed messages sent by parents who neglect and abuse is very damaging, and we learn to equate 'love' with 'pain'. The JW only reinforces that UNTRUE message. What I had to learn, was that I was lovable, just because I am me.

  I used to feel like a little child who was in a dark, scary forest, and couldn't see the path out. A really good therapist/friend helped shine a little light on that path, and I found my way out of that forest. It took some hard work, but I can finally see that I am not that worthless piece of trash I was taught I was... I am worthy of being loved. Sometimes, those childhood scripts still run in my head, but I am hopeful that eventually they will be completely erased. Perhaps it would help if you can find someone to talk to, to gently guide you to the path that will lead you out of that dark place, and you will feel the warmth of the sun shining on your soul.

  I understand ... you are not alone.

  xo

  tal
• 

  LouBelle

  Hey wanderlust.

  Yeah being alone......How I feel that so acutely at times. As a witness I had a lot of 'friends' around me & was a pretty popular person, I used to love entertaining & throwing all sorts of dinner parties, dance parties, travelling, going out - you name it - I was a little entertainment hub. I love being with people.

  Now that I've left the faith behind.....all those so called friends have been left behind too. I can honestly feel your ""pain"" It's more hectic if you aren't married, or have a g/friend or b/friend. Suddenly you've got nothing to do, not much to look forward to on weekends & there is a lot more silence engulfing you. It can be so maddening.

  Now one has to start all over again, but how do you when there's no one to start over with. I'm not one to go to clubs by myself & I'm looking for friendships that have meaning. Coming out of a cult is such a huge thing & one wants to share that with other 'survivers'.

  It's hard starting over again & it's hard being alone.
• 

  Sunspot

  {{{{{Donnie}}}}}

  ***we set our whole life up on a fabrication and lie, so then all the sudden when the rug is yanked out, we have to put the pieces of reality back together that were missing before, and man is that a tough one.

  Yeah Donnie, and it hurts like a mule kicked you in the stomach. It's not like putting the pieces back together--for me, it was like starting at square one, with NO pieces that made any sense---when I thought I had all the answers I needed, and THEN, I didn't.

  BUT....you CAN find the inner strength to get through this feeling of desolation. It takes TIME. Healing takes time. Sorting out what you believe in--takes time. You have to be patient with YOURSELF!

  Would you feel this badly about yourself if you had unknowingly eaten something incredibly rotten, and it took a loooong time to (delicatley putting this) get it purged out of your system? You'd want to be positive it was all "out" before you could deal with much of anything, right? A spiritually sick organization has fed you a diet of spiritually sick and false teachings.

  ***Like, where do I want to be when I'm 60 and pushing my walker around?

  As you can see, I just hit 64, AND I've been on crutches, with a walker, and in a wheelchair......do you find ME being silent? Do you see ME as the "curl-up-in-the-corner" type? Now that I'm older and have no kiddies around, I have MORE time to devote to pounding the keys on this computer and doing whatever I CAN to keep others from making the same horrible mistake that *I* made for 30 years! It is my delight and my escape at present.

  YOU, being a healthy guy, can go and do all KINDS of things that I can't (and would LOVE to) like what Kwin and Danny do. Look at Grace (Mouthy)! What an inspiration to us ALL! Think about all her health problems and the gut-wrenching things she has experienced at the hands of the WTS----and what GREAT things she is still doing to expose them! Look at what good they do, despite the the hurtfulness i their lives!

  Take the time you need to, but keep in mind that you have a good and kind spirit and a very generous heart! You have MANY opportunities to help others to "see the light" about the WTS, which will, in turn, bring your self-esteem up off the floor.

  Focusing on others like this does help to make you feel better. Think of all the things (religious and otherwise) that you can explore! The list is endless! So, GO FOR IT! As somebody famous once said "don't let the bastards get ya down!" Good advice!

  ***Will I live that long?

  Suuure! The "end" isn't just around the corner, remember?

  Take care,

  hugs,

  Annie
• 

  googlemagoogle

  in jw world you always are told to "set [spiritual] goals". what's your goal? what's next?
  
  while goals surely are helpful to accomplish something, i lean more to "the path is the destination".
  
  what about a compromise: set your goals, but enjoy the path... and don't forget to live before you die.
• 

  Thegoodgirl

  Wander,

  I keep thinking about your post, I'm not sure exactly the feeling you are having, but I'm sure I can relate. I think some people just arent' as sensitive to the big picture around them as others are. It's what helped you escape the JDubs, but also what keeps you from being happy. At least that's how I feel.

  I don't know the answer, I'm looking for it too! Just keep trying, maybe today is a better day for you than yesterday.
• 

  wanderlustguy

  I'll forever have to fight, just to have fun, and having a good time should never have to be forced, otherwise it's not fun. Things all seem to have an un-comfortably numb feeling associated with it

  I'm with you here. I just got out of a hard run at work, was trying to get "ahead" so I could take time away without working at all, no calls, etc, but apparently I was so busy doing that I wasn't taking care of myself, sleeping 4 hours per night, and just too focused (it can happen). I'm always afraid I'm going to miss something or make a stupid mistake because I feel so numb.

  It is a fight right now just to be ok, I think I probably cost myself something I wanted very badly this time, it's time to stop and reshuffle the deck. I've been so wrapped up in staying busy for so long to avoid my issues I recently didn't notice those that really mattered to me, including my own kids. The guilt from all the shoulda woulda coulda's is tearing me apart.

  I guess right now I'm afraid of what if, what if I'm never again as happy as I was before I made these mistakes, can I get back there? Right now the more I've tried to "fix" things the worse they have gotten, I know it was because I was tired and not thinking straight, but some things I know can never be taken back or fixed completely anyway.

  So the only thing I can think to do is nothing, wait for it to come. But waiting is the hardest thing for me to do...I feel so helpless. I'm thinking maybe I'll get out of town for the weekend, new scenery, new people, just to get my mind busy.

  Thanks for all the input, it really does help.
• 

  Faith

  I did that too for quite some time. Stayed busy. I do agree with the one poster's post on happiness. Even though I secluded myself for all those years, I still reached out through my computer and tried to help others trapped in Org limbo by listening. Sometime people just need someone to listen. I also sent books out free to people that were just coming out. I did phone counseling and networked with professionals to do phone counseling for some who could not get counseling. I figured, you can't get in trouble by extending love.

  My run to get ahead time broke my body down. I have genetic disease and lupus. The stress was too much. My life now is slower. The best I can do is do good for others. I have a lot of ex JW friends I met on AOL. I hope to go to the PA convention to meet them in person. They have gotten together regularly all these years but I was too sick, too poor, or too single to ever meet them at one of the conventions. 2005 WNFJ they are meeting in October. I'm hoping to make it this year.

  After the Borg I suffered through a frantic list of bad relationships. So many moves looking for something in another town. Now with my beloved quirky understanding husband we have a perfect life and I found true happiness. Even he were to leave me or die I would still have my happiness, I would just be alone again. Being alone was a good thing for me.

  Enjoy being with yourself. You are an incredible human being capable of giving copious amounts of love. I know what you mean when you say the more you tried to fix things the worse they became. Same here till I came to a complete surrender. Sometimes I held on too tight. I let it all go and just commited to loving others. We can NEVER go wrong giving to others and then when the love comes it will be meaningful. You never know where it will come from either. Sometimes when and where you least expect it!

  Love,

  Faith
• 

  LouBelle

  You can choose to be happy. Look I don't know the ins and outs of your life & that. Sometimes you just gotto grab the bull by the horns, or look fear in the eye and tackle him straight on.

  Prioritise.

  Get things into order.

  Like you said the pack needs reshuffling but you don't have to fall apart while it happens. You can control this.

  You spoke about being alone - try be around those people that do care for you.
• 

  sass_my_frass

  I don't know about keeping your mind busy... sooner or later you've got to go the other way, so you can start looking at your worries, start dealing with them. You should start relaxing your mind, your body, and get some space to do that. best to you