by Es 21 Replies latest jw friends
BD, you're right, motive is everything almost all of the time. Intent is another, an intentional lie or omission is an etirely different animal that something maybe missed or glossed over because the conversation is getting elevated.
Most of my responses are tuned more toward the premedetated omission of importaint information that would make someone perhaps handle their choices differently.
you so understand where im coming from wanderlustguy, its like he didnt give me the benefit of the doubt and he presumed how i would react to it. The story behind the lie was his mother msg his phone and i read the meg which im not proud of at all but i know he has a habbit omitting stuff when it comes from his family. Anyway so the msg said "im going to pop around sat morning to drop some things off to you" so when i read this i was wondering when he was goin to tell me this as he knows things are very rocky with his mother and I at the moment. So anyway along comes sat morning and still he hasnt told me anything instead he takes me out. In the arvo i read his phone and there was another msg from him mum saying she had popped around and we werent home. The week after i got told off from his mother bout giving her the cold shoulder and that she doesnt appreciate it, but i couldnt say anything coz really i should not have read mikes phone. We had an argument on Wed and he said something bout me thinking he is a liar at times and so I decided to confront this issue that in fact i have proof that you have lied to me, coz i did give him the chance after that weekend to own up to it. I asked casually if he had heard from his folks and he said no. Then he said he did and that his mum was THINKING of coming around and then he said "Im not stupid enough to let her come around. Yeah but it was stupid enough not to perhpas msg her back and say" look i will pop around later", but no he let her come here knowing full well we wouldnt be here. sorry if this long es
Es
men and their mothers - it's a real tricky area. I admit I had real issues between my Mum and wife and I am sure I lied to the missus on occasion. Just to help keep the peace. I know it's wrong but sometimes we males take the easy way out to avoid a confrontation. OK I admit it - I am a wimp.
Hope it works out for you - just wanted to let you know it's sometimes hard for us male-types to correctly handle lovers and mothers.
Cheers!
Pope
Personally, I am a huge fan of honesty, and being able to communicate about anything, no matter what it is.
Hi Es babe, I know what dramas you've been having with your family, and you're right this lack of trust issue is only compounding the issues for you. The truth is babe that a grown man knows the truth is best for everyone. Most obviously he is very much in love with you and your lovely son, and he wants to make his life with you. He really needs to stop taking sides, and then switching back, and telling lies and covering up to keep the peace, as clearly this solves nothing. My personal opinion is that intentions don't count in this scenario, the fact is that while he's telling you that he was just trying to spare you from another arguement, the truth is that he was just trying to spair himself from complications. He's looking for the easy way out in the short-term, and not addressing the real issues. Sounds like he needs to have more confidence in the decisions he makes, then he will have nothing to lie about, protect you from, he will be able to justify his every action, and tell your 'monster in-law' where to get off when necessary! (that wasn't a plug for that hideous j-lo movie by the way;).
Sorry for imposing so many of my ideas babe, I'm sure you know very well what you have to do/say before you asked for any advice:) Luv ya, frog x
Wait a minute.....you listened to his messages....then asked him leading questions, which he didn't answer honestly! And he, knowing the situation between the 2 most important women in his life is rocky, decides not to make an issue of his Mother's uninvited visit and ruin a perfectly lovely weekend takes you out thus avoiding the situation...and not mentioning the phone message.....it seems to me you both omitted knowledge of the phone message...thus cancelling out each other's "white lie".
Maybe he just didn't feel like coping with the situation? Do you live together? Do you make a habit of listening to his personal messages? What is his reaction to this invasion of his privacy? Do you tell him everything? It's bad enough he's got a pushy mother (I had a mother-in-law just like her for over 25 years......made my life hell for years till I gave up and let hubby handle her) he shouldn't have to be in the middle between you and if you want the relationship to continue.....get used to it and let him deal with his mom as he sees fit...and if it means going out and avoiding her visits so be it. If she nails you down about it, just tell her to talk to her son...if she doesn't like something he does, she'll have to deal with it..after all she raised him!
In answer to your many questions carol yes i am very honest with my partner i have nothing to hide and he knows that. No i dont make a habbit of reading his msg and im sorry but i disagree with you that i have to get used to it. If that worked for you then im happy for you but it doesnt sit well with me.
Es. Sorry you two had a moment of "this sucks". I hate dihonesty. I really hate the dishonesty by ommiting half the story, or telling all but the bit that would make things clear. Don't get me wrong. I like that I can usually say all I want and have very little fear of tripping up on what I say, because I hate to lie. I just really hate that people may mistake me for so useless that they cant tell me the truth and then show me the proper respect and let me choose to accept what they have to say or not. That I really hate.
Did that make sence?
What I am trying to say is that I cannot stand all that dishonesty makes my mind wander to..implications, respect issues, and then the inevitable trust issues. Like when people lie straight to your face and you really cant tell they are lying or omitting and then it makes you wonder...They must have a lot of practice if they can do it with such a poker face....hhhhhmmmmm
I feel for you and maybe he and you can learn a great lesson from this. he...to be honest...
you, when you snoop, never reveal that you snooped...lol
Personally, I am a huge fan of honesty, and being able to communicate about anything, no matter what it is.
I agree with that statement because of little and large lies that only contributes to bad feelings and questions and resentment. What if the org was honest, I'm sure some would stay around because of that, but they lose people because they destroy trust.
To have trust you need honesty.
heheh sparkplug loved your reply bout the snooping. So true but i think i brought it up at the opportune time we were in the middle of a fight and he asked if i thought that he lies at times and i said yes he visible got upset at this he was shaking as if to say how dare you say that and so thats when i brought it up and when i did i said to him that it could make things worse what i have done, so in no way was i excusing my behaviour for snooping. But he has given me reasons before to doubt him and so i never fully had the trust anyway es
