What should I do about my brother??? I'm going insane.

by sonnyboy 27 Replies latest jw friends

  • sonnyboy
    sonnyboy

    I'm at my wit's end right about now.

    My 24 year old brother is staying in my home as a roommate. When I bought the house 5 years ago everything was fine; he helped with the housework, cut the grass, and was fair with the amount of 'house food' he'd consume.

    Time changes everything. He now does NOTHING inside the house: no dishes, no vacuuming, no dusting, no anything. It's his job to cut the grass, and he only cuts one side of the yard every week (front or back). This is his justification for not doing any housework...because I don't cut the grass. Yet he doesn't do any trimming or landscaping, just cutting one half every week which takes less than two hours out of his entire month. I clean the entire house every Saturday morning which takes at least three to four hours. I also do all the trimming in the yard which takes almost an hour per week.

    We usually share the food and beverages brought into the house. Lately, I've been getting the short end of the stick. He quickly gobbles up whatever he brings into the house, and then he works on mine. EVEN WHEN HE KNOWS it's my portion, in MY tupperware bowl, he still eats it, and later denies touching it or simply plays dumb like he doesn't know where the food went. Better yet, he sometimes blames me, saying I was too drunk to remember eating it, even when I wasn't drunk enough to forget sh;t. I rarely ever drink enough to black out, and when I do I know it.

    Then we come to the pets. He's never bought food for the dog, the four reptiles, or the fish, and he owns half of them. He also never feeds, waters or cleans them (I know, fish don't need watering). He's never paid for a single veterinary visit. All he does is sit on his fat ass and drink beer all day.

    I've discussed this many times with him, yet nothing has changed. I tried upping his rent, but he can't keep a job long enough to pay it every month. My bills go well over $1100 per month, and he pays an average of $250...sometimes slightly more, and most often slightly less.

    My parents already said that they won't take him back because he trashed their house, much as he's doing to mine. Neither reasoning nor threatening has worked with him, so my only option seems to be throwing him out into the street. Would this be the right thing to do? He has absolutely nowhere else to go unless he's lucky enough to find a little dump of an apartment. I'd hate to feel guilty if something happened to him when I give him the boot, yet I can no longer live like this. I feel like I'm raising a child who refuses to grow up.

    What would you do in my situation? When I tell him what needs to be done he acts like a fool and ruins the rest of my day, yet it does get half-way done. I've tried kicking him out several times but he still doesn't take things seriously.

    I'm at a loss.

  • Frog
    Frog

    Hey sonny, you're a good brother, but you aint doing your lil bro any favours by not teaching him the value of accountability. He's a grown boy now and he needs to get out on his own, and learn to take care of himself. Tell him that his presence is driving you battey, tell him that your home is a place where you feel you should be able to relax. He should be told that he's taking advantage of you, and that you're not going to be there as a free ride for much longer. You're the owner, you set the ground rules. If he doesn't agree with them, then he can go out into the real world where strangers aren't gonna be as understanding. You've got to be happy and comfortable in your own home, you don't need this stress! Goodluck...living with family really does suck. Frog x

  • sonnyboy
    sonnyboy

    Thanks Frog.

    I did try some of the things you mentioned and things got better...for maybe two or three days...just enough time for the steam to stop coming from my ears.

    He gives me guilt trips all the time about how depressed he is and that he needs to drink so he won't commit suicide. I know what really needs to be done...he needs to be thrown out on his rump...but I'm worried about feeling guilty if he can't make it on his own and actually does something rash. Damn that sounds weak.

    At the rate he's going, he'll never hold a job long enough to get his own place. He also has no friends at all to room with, so I feel responsible for some reason.

    Maybe I need to sleep on it for now.

  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    The joys of happy families! For goodness sake, stop being passive aggressive and lay the law down.

    You've come up with a whole list of stuff here, but it seems like you are just looking for shortcomings because you are aggrieved - I can't believe you brought up his non-feeding of your fish!!!

    A few rhetorical questions for ya:

    • Has he renaged on your original verbal contract with him?
    • Is he providing more than he consumes?
    • Does he pay his rent fairly regularly, not running up an unacceptable tab?
    • Does he make more work for you, by leaving the house a mess?
    • Would renting out the room to someone else be more acceptable?
  • Frog
    Frog

    What a guilt trip he's got you on matey! You're not responsible for him, afterall you've had to make your own way and you have. It's not as though you've had half the help he has. You're right though, he's not gonna do anything about the state of his life if you keep holding his hand. I think it's a bit sh*tty that your folks are just standing back through all of this. Surely it would be much easier if they had your backing and support. I know it's harsh mate, but in the end if you're both going to be miserable existing together, then you might as well boot him out on his bum and at least that way at least you might get some happiness. He will be fine, he's making childish threats, but would be very unlikely to go through with them. You might find too that you're better equipped to help him with his problems from a distance.

  • orbison11
    orbison11

    um, i would kick the bum out and not look back

    if this was happening to one of your friends, what would you say? yes the above

    feeling bad that he could not take care of himself? he has not been given a chance.

    and can i move in with you? i need a place where i dont have to do much and can drink beer all day:)

  • luna2
    luna2

    sonnyboy, I feel your pain. I have a very difficult time laying the law down and then sticking to it...no yelling, no anger, no guilt trips (the guilt-trip card is one that I try so hard not to play, but it still happens).

    You feel like you can't possibly kick out your own flesh and blood (where would he go? what would he do? would he end up living under a bridge?), that there must be something you can say that will make him realize that what he's doing is wrong, unfair and unacceptable, but the words that can effect a change don't seem to exist.

    I think that you are going to probably have to make a firm, quiet resolution that if certain critera aren't met...doing his fair share of the work around the house (which you guys will have to decide on), getting a job and paying his half of the bills, not eating all the food...etc, then he will have to find someplace else to live.

    It's hard to have to be tough guy, but it looks like if you don't do something, he will mooch off you forever and never get his act together.

    I wish you strength. Hope you are able to get him to change his ways.

  • blondie
    blondie

    It would be cheaper to have him find another place and pay for his mental counseling.

    Manipulation, emotional blackmail, concepts to be considered.

    Book Description"If you really loved me..."
    "After all I've done for you..."
    "How can you be so selfish..."
    Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance.

    Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate Youby Susan Forward , Donna Frazier

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/product-description/0060928972/ref=dp_proddesc_0/002-8305690-3970401?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=283155

  • lonelysheep
    lonelysheep

    Sorry he's taking advantage of your kindness. He's got to learn the hard way it seems.

    Throw him out and change all the locks so he knows you mean business. There should be a sense of wanting to be independent (not to mention responsible) for his own good that he apparently's lacking. There's no excuse for it as far as I'm concerned.

    Brother, child, friend....whoever - everyone should do their share so your house can function normally. And he's got his own pets living there on top of that! You've been more than kind, I feel.

  • Ellie
    Ellie

    I really feel for you Sonnyboy because I've been in exactly the same situation.

    A few years ago my little brother got himself into a mess, he'd been renting a house but hadn't paid the rent in god knows how long, he was about to be evicted but had nowhere to go, so I foolishly said he could move into my spare room, I told him it was temporary, and he'd need to pay his way.

    A couple of weeks after moving in he lost his job, through his own fault, not getting up of a morning to go to work and this is how it carried on for months, he'd find a job then a few weeks down the line get sacked, I was too soft though, I'd lend him money which he'd promise to pay back when he started work but never did, he rarely paid rent and it was left up to me to feed him too.

    He never so much as washed 1 plate the whole time he was here, he kept his room tidy but thats about it, he had no respect for the rest of the house, he'd even bring his laundry down and leave it on the kitchen floor for me to do.

    It was mainly my own fault, I let him get away with it for too long, I was way too soft as I suspect you are.

    In the end we came to blows, he went off to stay with my mum for a few nights while I packed his stuff and then I just had to get tough and tell him that he'd taken advantage, that I couldn't have him around anymore for all of the above reasons.

    We didn't speak for a while, until he wanted to borrow money to pay my sister rent because he'd moved in with her and lost anouther job, suprise suprise.

    But shes been tough on him from the start, told him in no uncertain terms that if he can't pay rent he can't stay, etc, and its worked, hes grown up a lot, hes applying for a job with the police and hes actually got saveings now for the first time in his life.

    So, I reckon you should do the same with your brother, hes not your responsibility, he needs to grow up and then maybe one day he'll appreciate you and even thank you.

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