by joelbear 30 Replies latest jw friends
I feel like I have been slowly losing my mind since the age of 10 or so, maybe before that. The process seems to be speeding up. It may just be an inevitable fact of my existence. I hate to lose my hard earned assets to a state institution. Over the past 6 months all my friends have abandoned me. I am rather abusive when I am in pain and I get very confused and handle situations poorly.
I really only feel safe when I am being touched. The rest of the time I feel like I am falling.
joelbear,
You've been through these episodes before, haven't you?
Have you got an MD or psychiatrist counselling you?
It'd be what you need right now.
Please do it.
Ozzie
Sorry if you have mentioned this before but are you in counseling about this? If not it might do you some good and you may be a good candidate for like some antidepresants or something. I know they have helped me. Hang in there! You have friends here.
-April
The pressure on my mind is very bad this morning. I am seeing a doctor and I am on medication. There is very much weight on my mind, sometimes it is heavy and sometimes it goes away completely.
Joel, do you have family near you? You need to take 5 good deep breaths to help clear your head, go out and take a walk out in the fresh air.....................please believe me, this will help you a little, listen to some relaxtion music to calm your nerves................take your meds, stay away from alcohol it will only bring you down................please get some fresh air..............
Joel-
Try soaking your feet in cold water, running your wrists under cold water, and using an ice bag on your forehead. The air sucks in most cities this week, as well as allergies, as well as the screaming in the head - get a holistic massage and/or acupuncture If you can, take a walk in nature. Do something tonight you never did before, and look forward to it throughout the day. Go to a museum and just dig the paintings and sculpture. Take a train out of town, and get a hotel room for the night, have a few drinks, a nice meal and go to a movie theatre. Get out of the house, get out of your head. I don't know you, but hope one suggestion works. Life is too short to hurt.
Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself.
Joelbear
I know it feels like you are dying but you are not.
Your mind is rejecting the rubbish that life has filled it with. It is the death of illusion.
There is nothing wrong with losing what you think is your mind. It happens to most people at least once in their lives. Let it go, let it fall, stop resisting the change. Examine the space it creates. That is where reality exists. Appreciate the value of letting go.
All change is painful. Change of this magnitude is very painful but it is through such pain that we grow. The more painful, the faster the growth.
Make a new start free from all the conditioning, beliefs and tensions that the mind holds on to believing such illusions to be reality.
yeah i took my meds. talking about it helps a lot. just an interchange of ideas makes my brain start to work in a different way. the weight seems to be lifting some. i am a very different sort of person. i have to have specific types of contact to engage me and to free my mind.
its time to make big changes in my life. they are going to come about due to necessity. the suicidal thoughts are driving me to kill a set of habits and concepts.
i am not free yet. i will not be happy until i am free. i think this group here is the only one that will ever understand that.
the prison has high walls, higher for some than others i think. i feel that somehow we build these walls ourselves, at least i feel i have.
for me, the prison is really a wall of fear. there was so much upheaval in my childhood and i always believed that the only safe place was conformity to an ideal. i think conformity comes easier to some than others.
i am not a sheeplike person, i am way out on the edge of thinking, feeling, being. i want out of the pen. words, pictures, feelings, ideas flow through my brain constantly. they have been welled up for 47 years. my concepts are not accepted yet i still believe them to be true. keeping quiet irritates me. staying in the pen makes me want to scream.
fringes of the social world due to sexual concepts, concepts about the future, about society, about behavior, how to transmit ideas, thinking way outside the box, causes loneliness and confusion. am i right? does it matter?
i think my life has been one of frustration and boredom and i have thus appeared to be an abusive person because i feel irritated most of the time, which i let this irritation show i am rejected, which frustrates me more.
mainly boredom, oh my god, hours of agony at meetings, in service and assemblies. no new thought, only repetition and regurgitation. no freedom of thought at home with my family or friends, just painful conformity.
my mind has to be unbound, i know the answer. no more therapy or drugs will do that, only actions taken by me, scared little me.
and most of the world is exactly like the witnesses. people in their frozen conceptual states, content with very linear paths, are maybe not content, maybe as miserable as I am, just more reluctant to show it.
boredom, yes, that is the central problem.
To me, boredom reflects a lack of challenge. I try to challenge myself to something new, something difficult. What do you really want to do or achieve? Make a list and pick out one and go after it. I write software, poetry and plays, so I spend much time in the pen and screen, quiet, but there are outlets - singing, playing b-ball, karate, walking. I approach myself yearly with new challenges, otherwise it would get very old, very stale, very boring. Joel, I hear you.
