Losing My Mind

by joelbear 30 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  trevor

  Joelbear

  What you are saying is starting to make sense.

  the prison has high walls, higher for some than others i think. i feel that somehow we build these walls ourselves, at least i feel i have.

  for me, the prison is really a wall of fear.

  The walls are blocks you have put in place and lived behind for so many years. They have made you feel safe. Now they are falling down. This creates panic and fear. It takes courage to let them fall. When they are low enough to step over you will be able to move on to where you know you need to.

  You are losing your friends because you are changing into the person you have always known you could be. You will find new ones that suit your new outlook.

  Hang on in there. You are doing far better that you yet realize!
• 

  Sunspot

  ***i am not free yet. i will not be happy until i am free. i think this group here is the only one that will ever understand that.

  You ARE free, Joel, you just haven't accepted that as yet.

  ***keeping quiet irritates me.

  So.......speak UP! SAY whatever you want to that will help you to regain your sense of "you"!

  ***staying in the pen makes me want to scream.

  You have LEFT that pen, although you apparently don't even realize it. Think of the examples and demonstrations we have all seen that show animals such a lab rats in an enclosed box or cage for long periods of time. When the cages are lifted away----they still act as if they are still totally restricted. They don't REALIZE that they are free to come and go wherever and whenever they wish!

  Take a deep breathe and peek around you----NO BARS! NO PEN! NO CAGE!

  YOU can take steps to live your life the way YOU wish to now. You have certanly EARNED this and well deserve to DO SO!!!!

  hugs,

  Annie
• 

  Billygoat

  (((((Joel)))))
• 

  joelbear

  as a child i was specifically thought that to be loved i had to "be" a specific way. this thought from my parents has been consistent through the years up until now where my parents simply ignore unpleasant thoughts or ideas that I bring up, such as nudity, naturism, paganism, atheism, etc. being queer was just the beginning. they have no clue what an unusual son they have and they don't want to know.

  unfortunately, i have carried this with me up until the present. i am not free of that burdening concept.

  i try to be what i am not. it pisses me off. i treat people like crap because i am bored and angry, i am isolated, i feel like a failure. loop

  i try harder to be what i am not. it pisses me off more. i treat people even worse. i am more isolated, i feel like dying. loop

  ad infinitum.
• 

  BrendaCloutier

  Sunspot - Spot on!

  (((( JoelBear ))))

  It is not an embarrasement to check yourself into a mental psych ward of a hospital. It sounds to me like you need a safe place. That is one of the safest!

  I know. I've been there myself. I was suicidal, I had "lost" everything, I was the "only person to blame" for "it all". Friends saw my condition and no, I did not need an alcoholism treatment center, I needed a psych facility. They made sure I got into the best... Fairfax in Kirkland, Washington. I spent 4 days there regaining my footing on reality and on my life.

  You may need longer. And that will certainly get you "noticed" so you get the correct, proper treatment!

  #1 - It's ok. Seriously "it" is!

  #2 - You are going to be OK. Really, you are!

  #3 - Just think of yourself as a tough exotic nut like me ... a Macadamia Nut! Mmmm. Tough on the outside - it takes 300 pounds to crack the shell; but oh so Yummy on the inside, and only grows in the tropics and sub-tropics! Primary plantations are in Australia and Hawaii! Pure heaven.

  Hugs and Love

  Brenda
• 

  joelbear

  I just had a bit of an epiphany on the elevator.

  I am extremely claustrophobic. I do not like being closed in.

  I think this exists for my mental and emotional states as well as my physical state.

  This exchange is helping me a lot. Please keep it coming.
• 

  Mulan

  Joel, all of us care about you. I am so glad you are here and posting so we can help you. I am not a professional, so am at a loss as to what to say to make you feel better. Just know we all are with you and are supportive.
• 

  joelbear

  I really feel like I made some breakthroughs today. Maybe I am turning a corner. Man, that would be nice. If I can just remember in the future how I feel right now.

  HUGS TO ALL

  Joel
• 

  BrendaCloutier

  If I can just remember in the future how I feel right now.

  Joel, make a post-it note to yourself and stick it in a kitchen cupboard, bathroom med cab, or similar, and remind yourself of the hope you are feeling with this moment. Send yourself a "get well" or "I love you" card in the mail. I think you will be amazed when you find these notes to yourself, just how they can help you feel hope and self love.

  You can actually recall that feeling and feel it again, albeit not quite as strongly. But the hope is there. The hope is real. The feeling will get you through.

  On a sour note: Remember... those negative feelings? Well, they just might be lying to you. Feelings are valid, very very valid, but sometimes they don't have a foot in reality, or even a toe-hold.
• 

  damselfly

  I just had a bit of an epiphany on the elevator.

  I am extremely claustrophobic. I do not like being closed in.

  I think this exists for my mental and emotional states as well as my physical state.

  This exchange is helping me a lot. Please keep it coming.

  Hi Joel.

  I liked the bit about the elevator. The same thing happens to me, something as insignificant seeming as standing in an elevator will trigger something in my brain and I will suddenly know *why* I don't like something, or why I react to certain things.

  I think for me it's because I need to work on my mental issues and state slowly, if I were to get all this 'revelation' at once I don't think I could handle it. I believe that our brains know what we can handle at what point we are at in our lives and what we can't.

  I hope this helps, just try to relax and deal with one issue at a time.

  Dams