Posts by Alive!

30

Some thoughts on guilt.

by New day in

had an interesting conversation with my wife recently.

she struggles with physical, emotional and psychological problems which have often caused her to miss meetings.

she mentioned how she is equally tortured by guilt if she misses meetings and ministry, and severe stress if she does them.

Alive!

Hi

Sometimes women can be very intuitive, sounding out something is 'wrong' in their world or relationship - yet not necessarily able to identify or name the issue, through fear....

She may sense that your 'all good KH status' is shakey...

I used to have overwhelming feelings of anxiety about our marriage 'matching' the JW profile re meetings, service etc - it was awful. That brain pattern of anxiety and stress translated into bouts of depression - I'm going through a miserable bout at the moment, old patterns of 'mind control' which produces SHAME are like systematic physical reactions - I'm so sorry you are both struggling.

So many 'wives' are vulnerable in the WT - it's the terrible angst of wanting to be picture perfect - JWs don't do 'messy' life - but to normal folk messy is OK.

Life is messy -we get trained not to see that as normal, as something to be afraid of - my non JW friends ( Christian and otherwise) just deal with stuff as it comes along. I had my first all out panic attack a few years ago, in my 50s - and then a sense of disassociation from the real world, which was frightening.

I tried going to meetings during that time and I felt like I was in a nightmare.....the 'hall' felt like the worst place to be - I wanted peace, kindness and uplifting spiritual food - the dynamics of our KH made me feel worse than ever.

if she has faith in God, that needs to be nurtured to protect her from the 'cult' angle....which is fake and painful.

35

out for a long time

by Sledracer in

my husband and i have been out for a long time, maybe fifteen years, i must say we are in a bit of a nowhere land spiritually, we find it impossible to attend any other church.

we really resent so much of how they messed up our and our children's lives.

we can't get back all those 25 years we were in.

Alive!

We built our entire community around JWs for some 25 years.....

At nearly 60 years old, it's been a painful experience....I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Abandonment and agony from rejection is a key trauma for me, due to some complications in my formative years, too difficult to explain here.

It's a high price - but I couldn't be part of a movement that would never allow us to have free flow discussion as adults, as Christians even - and would seek to control people's personal growth with imposed interpretation (which changes with the wind) whilst making us give 'thanks' to God for each 'new truth'.

We have good days, weeks, months and then another 'cut' wounds deeper than can be put into words.

The culture is unhealthy, I know, it looks so 'good' on the outside....but no human should live with such threat and anxiety re their lives.

It's tough.

14

"I should have known" moments

by dubstepped in

i got ready for the meeting.

my wife did too.

we drove out to the kingdom hall and the closer we got the higher my anxiety would spike.

Alive!

Emptyinside - that's sad, but I know it to be so true.

59

Sweet 16 - Happy Birthday to Us !

by Simon in

it's the forum's 16th birthday today!.

amazing that not only have we lasted so long but we're still thriving and growing.. thanks to all the people and often colorful characters who've contributed to the site over the years.

some are still here with us, some have since moved on, but all have touched each others lives in some way along our different journeys.. .

Alive!

Thank you so much for keeping this site alive and accessible - there have been posts here that literally kept me breathing during the dark old days.....words of support, care and a sense that I wasn't insane.

The 'org' culture is a master at 'gaslighting' and to read experiences from around the world helped me to not self blame that maybe I was at fault to stand up and question......

Cheers guys!

14

"I should have known" moments

by dubstepped in

i got ready for the meeting.

my wife did too.

we drove out to the kingdom hall and the closer we got the higher my anxiety would spike.

Alive!

Husband and I just had a long, long talk.

We would never, ever want to bring people into that JW culture of fake.

We tried so hard, but ultimately, we don't want to ever again labour under 'men'.

We never want to feel that darkness again, the physical and psychological strain and hurt.

We had a conversation - the reality is we can project and imagine and ultimately 'feel' a love and mercy beyond our daily evidence - even though we are no great shakes - our 'Christ' is about hope, reconciliation and love - for everyone.

The Watchtower hurt us - it put a wall between us and our fellow humans - done with that. And done with the WT horrible doctrine.

241

Another generation....

by joey jojo in

it has been 21 years since the 1995 article that pretty much buried the idea of the '1914 generation'.. remember those guys?

the ones born in 1914 that would still be alive when the end of the system arrived.. i'm glad i'm old enough to remember going from door to door, preaching this belief.

the reason i say that is because i have a lot of 'still in' jw friends and family.

Alive!

Horrible isn't it?

36

Coming to terms with the Watchtower experience

by Lee Elder in

it is a challenge coming to terms with your experience as a jehovah's witness.

if you were born and raised as a jw, and your parents were true believers, the impact on your life is profound, lasting, and largely negative.

in some cases quite abusive emotionally, spiritually, financially, educationally and yes, even sexually.. i recently watched "trumbo", and was quite moved by dalton trumbo's speech to the screen writers guild in 1970. here is an excerpt that i think is quite relevant to this topic:.

Alive!

"Some suffered less than others, some grew and some diminished, but in the final tally we were all victims because almost without exception each of us felt compelled to say things he did not want to say, to do things that he did not want to do, to deliver and receive wounds he truly did not want to exchange. That is why none of us - right, left, or centre - emerged from that long nightmare without sin."

I needed to read this - I sometimes feel a complete fraud, because I enjoyed so many benefits, I had some fantastic experinces, whilst knowing many others were left at the side.....I at least backed those who I could back - but when all of the above became so obvious - I was done. And it's not been pretty.

I know, at my rawest gut level - the culture was wrong.....

83

Why all the hate...

by Dystopia in

...toward jehovah's witnesses?

Alive!

Fink,

As a convert, from a good, reasonably normal family - I had been raised to have my questions respected and answered - and to offer the same transaction to others.

Initially, the JWs presented as having wonderful, interlocked answers .....I was told, as I bathed in this new wonderful hope, to put questions that can't be answered to the side for now, eventually the pieces will fit....even if it takes years.

I was LOVE bombed until my little heart was so full and I felt saturated.

My life and my connections expanded beyond belief .....

I quietened the disturbing gut feelings when I met yet another brother or sister whose whole mode of conversation in daily life was woodenly WT, complete with gestures, jargon words....you know the sort of thing.

I quietened the disturbing thoughts such as how could just a rejection of a magazine be the rejection of a universal Power....JWs regularly showed their distain when they turned their heel from a polite but rejecting door ('no thanks, I don't to read an article on family happiness, we're all ok here')

And then, the ongoing exposure to seriously disturbing thought patterns revealed by others, violent and dysfunctional families, depression, mental illness was and possibly is rife - too many, it was so thoroughly pervasive in every congregation I stayed at.....once the veil was lifted. This wasn't just imperfect men - something was up - and I 'covered it with love' without let up and then.....my heart lost its desire to bring anyone into this 'cage' - it wasn't safe mentally ....I couldn't ignore it any longer.

And now, after a life time of choosing 'loyalty' and trying to live a principled life - my character is trashed by the leaders.

Leaders who don't understand that I'm an adult and Christuan follower too - they do not have any right to interpret scripture for me and demand I accept it as 'new truth'.

At best, they should offer concepts and free discussion - but that's not how they wish to work. And their followers are diminished to having unauthentic expression and thought....

It is in fact the Watchtower Society who has become a division and sect by setting themselves up as the only 'channel to God'

21

It's so awkward that people have to touch the emblems

by thedepressedsoul in

it's just so weird to me.

for a group that is against idolatry so much and yet each person has to "touch" the bread and wine.. one lady was standing and holding a baby.

she called the server over just so she could put her thumb on the bread and wine.. did jesus ever clarify what he wanted them to do in remembrance of him?

Alive!

One lady was standing and holding a baby. She called the server over just so she could put her thumb on the bread and wine.
Really? You know, when you step outside of the 'magic' - you realise how mad this is.....and that's all we do at memorial night - everyone has to 'touch it' - one by one.

And the story of the old fella getting up from the end of the row, just to pass it on - that made me giggle @petezahut. Actually, this thread has brought some closure - it's a detailed ritual, yet, it really ignores the instruction Jesus gave - outside observers must think, how strange.....

83

Why all the hate...

by Dystopia in

...toward jehovah's witnesses?

Alive!

So true Luna.

I have placed reasonable questions in front of JW friends I have trusted and loved - easy to understand objections to various doctrines, doctrines that intelligent non-witnesses find repellent on good scriptural basis - in each case, I received a blank stare, followed by 'I need to research' followed by either a watchtower article...or 'have you been reading apostate material' or silence...inspite of the urgency of the situation as my 'trust' in the organisation was undermined by obviously massive holes in doctrine, rules etc.

Because I chose to live a life of vocal faith, witnessing, taking a 'stand' etc - when I could not support certain articles, or contrived 'new truths' I experienced angst beyond words....I was gagged. I broke the gag - the ongoing situation is darned hard.

I'm so sorry for your own difficult situation - it's hard to maintain ones sanity when we only want to live honourably.

'I'm ungrateful' to the org and God apparently - and just raising empty reasonings....WRONG.