Purple V - Thanks for your comments. I agree that helping others does have a way of helping the healing process. Part of what I am trying to achieve, however, is internal validation. It seems that I have lived my entire life attempting to validate externally ie rescuing, helping, etc. at my own expense. This is very frustrating
franklin j - I have found this site to be extremely rewarding. Just reading all the other stories and coming to the realization that I am not alone lifted more fog than anything else in my life. When I meet others, at a peer level, I still have a negative disposition, which I believe comes down to a trust issue.
waiting - I'm not sure what it's called either. BluesBrothers mentioned allegory. I will look it up, cuz now I'm curious. My survival technique for years was denial. In the beginning of my recovery, I journaled many, many current life issues. I started with this type of writing to help wrap up all the unexpressed feelings, double talk, denial, and the overall issues involved. I ultimately try to tear apart what I write and put specifics; age, event, feeling, etc; to the example. Although it is slower, this helps me uncover the pain in manageable doses.
sns - I've come to the conclusion that it's not the amount of time that you've been out. It is more about working through the issues and understanding what it is you are really feeling. It has been incredibly difficult for me to post here, but at the same time I believe the saying, not sure where I got it, "Grief is a normal process that must be shared in order for healing to occur." I wish you well in your process.
kj - Thanks.
bikerchic -
Something that helped me get over it was doing work with Adult Children of Alcoholic's. You could use any disfunctional family system in place of the alcoholic and yes I do feel that I myself was hit with a double whamy being raised in a cult and having an alcoholic father and a co-dependant mother.
I have been reading ACOA, and also found a good friend that went through this process 20 years ago that is also ACOA. She has been a tremendous help. I have gone to a few meetings; don't know what I think of those yet. I don't think I said what you said, but I also have an alcoholic father, codependent mother, and they are possibly active - not sure, as it is impossible to get a straight answer out of them.
The main thing is to do something and do it now, PTSD doesn't go away on it's own, you can't wish it away, think it away,drink or drug it away, you have to look it square in it's ugly face and deal with it.
This is exactly what I am trying to do. It is very painful and time-consuming work. Thank you for the reinforcement; I do believe you are right, I just want it over with right now; instantly. That just ain't gonna happen, is it?!
I'm of the belief that if you put yourself out there, do the work the universe will open itself to the best path for you to go and you will find your way. I did!
That first step is a doosy !!!! And there are so many forks in the road !!! And there aren't any roadsigns !!! Oh, yeah, nobody's controlling my fate but me. It's the simple reminders like this that keep me coming back to this board.
BluesBrother - Unfortunately, my style of writing masks all the real pain. That is a defensive skill learned many years ago that has outlived its usefulness. I have only recently learned to analyze my own writings and extract for myself what I am repressing. It took many, many years for me to realize how "Green" I was emotionally and it took some fairly extreme situations for it to come to my awareness. I rage inside when I realize my JW mentality kicked in 20 some years after the fact and literally took control of my being for a ridicously long time, and hurt many individuals in the process.
ugly
