Posts by one_ugly

98

Repressed, Triggered and Recovered Memories

by Big Tex in

first of all, let me say that many, if not most, of my memories of abuse and early childhood were recovered.

some people feel that this diminishes my experience, or in some way denies what happened.

i suffered from major depression and was quite suicidal for 2 years before something happened to trigger my memories.

one_ugly_time

I guess I needed a good cry tonight.

(((Big Tex))) - My spine was shivering and my whole body went cold reading your story. I haven't the words to express the feelings of such cruel treatment toward a child by those who "love" him. I understand your avatar completely.

I have been in therapy for the past year and a half trying to understand why my entire being when numb, cold, confused, and disoriented in the midst of a conversation one with a friend one day. I am putting pieces together... and realized later that I had been working geneology, family interviews, and personal journaling for a couple years prior to that day. I had forgotten (or repressed) a lot. I have no ability to validate any of my suspicions, so I have been working the process of "reframing" my memories (or beliefs of such). I am still extremely socially scared to death and constantly get bombarded with flashback type feelings if the social atmosphere is unfamiliar or I don't have a trusting partner with me. Thanks for sharing your story. I believe mine pales in comparison, so when I see the ability to work through it and find strength from the "darkness" that you went through, I am encouraged to keep moving forward.

(((((( group hug )))))) for all the other posters that related and shared personal experiences.

ugly

12

JW's, Religion, Cult, Religious Sect, Psychos?

by dh in

jw
friends

.

when you think of jw's, what do you think of them as being, are they a religion, a cult, a religious sect, or something else?.

i don't exactly know what i think they are, they're a printing house which prints things based around their understanding of the bible & christianity, sort of making them a sect, but the things they do are both extreme and cult-like, so wondered... when you think of jw's, what do you think of them as being?

one_ugly_time

Cult.

52

Couples and names

by Stefanie in

jw
friends

i was just wondering who on this board is married or a couple.

my second question is, what is everybodys first name.. .

just trying to get familiar with you guys

one_ugly_time

I'm ugly. I've been called OUT, one_time, one, and even one_ugly_time on occasion.

Although I am certain that anyone interested in who I am has already figured it out, I still post anonymously. Just an internet thing in general for me.

ugly

12

I really don't know anything.

by ihatescreennames in

last night i wallked through a suburbia neighborhood.

i sat for a time, crosslegged, on cement pebbles.

there was a teenage girl twirling her baby sister around and around and around the lawn.

one_ugly_time

I don't know if it is normal, since I don't know what normal is, but I believe that most individuals don't even begin to process the dichotomous and opposing feelings until near mid-life. Integration of an individuals polar forces is one of the basic principles of wisdom. Love/Hate, Passion/Repulsion, Obsession/Apathy, and so on, continue to plague the human spirit; especially during the phases of life concerned with discovering for oneself their individuality, resources, and sense of "Who am I".

Based upon how I read what you have written, your ability to express, dissemenate, and segregate your feelings both objectively and subjectively is very well developed -- you are a well studied individual with a rare talent of the true understanding of life. It does come down to the little things, the smiles on childrens faces, the playful and innocent, yet sincere, responses from loving family and friends, and the ability to reach others in a compassionate manner; all the while letting them in to your life without judgement or criticism.

The intellectualizing and analysis of these events precedes the synthesis and integration into your being. A "whole" individual retains all aspects of these individual internal aspects; however; I will leave you with this saying that I copied from another board that I find applicable to sustaining growth and respect for the process --

"The Wolf......"

An Elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, " A fight is going on inside of me....it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self piry, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.

"They thought about it and than one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win??"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed"

I, too, look forward to reading more of your story.

ugly

15

My parents are out...

by one_ugly_time in

i have finally confirmed that my parents da'd about 2 years ago.

they haven't told me or talked to me about it.

i found out through my aunt, and confirmed it through my oldest brother who was just visiting them.. it's a big step in the right direction.

one_ugly_time

Thanks Heather

My only concern is the explosion of anger. My family is loaded with it. I will take your advice and continue to maintain my sense of self and believe in kindness to resolve the issues ahead.

ugly

15

My parents are out...

by one_ugly_time in

i have finally confirmed that my parents da'd about 2 years ago.

they haven't told me or talked to me about it.

i found out through my aunt, and confirmed it through my oldest brother who was just visiting them.. it's a big step in the right direction.

one_ugly_time

Yes, FlyingHighNow, I think it's a wonderful thing. After what I have read and felt the past year, after being out for 20 years, I can only imagine the overwhelming emotions and cognitive dissonance that will be occuring. I am preparing myself for the rupture of emotions as family members vent their anger and frustrations over lost childhoods, lost dreams, and so on.

My 2 older brothers have also been out for 20 years, but they never recovered emotionally or spiritually. The sad part is that they are both extremely intelligent; but it has been wasted in a lot of respects.

My younger sister is still in and battles depression constantly. I don't know how she will handle the situation at all.

ugly

15

My parents are out...

by one_ugly_time in

i have finally confirmed that my parents da'd about 2 years ago.

they haven't told me or talked to me about it.

i found out through my aunt, and confirmed it through my oldest brother who was just visiting them.. it's a big step in the right direction.

one_ugly_time

I have finally confirmed that my parents DA'd about 2 years ago. They haven't told me or talked to me about it. I found out through my Aunt, and confirmed it through my oldest brother who was just visiting them.

It's a BIG step in the right direction. The next few months if not years of conversations are going to be really, really emotional. I actually think I'm ready for this. I believe that I can own my own anger and help them and the rest of my family heal. Hopefully, I can get them to read this site.

Thanks everyone for all the support. I had no idea what I was going through and no idea what someone would actually have to go through to leave the borg. (I obviously never really left emotionally). It has been a very, very long struggle and everyone hear deserves some recognition in supporting my effort.

Thanks All

5

Things You'd Love To Say At Work

by Meg in

things you'd love to say at work but .... .

1. i see your point, but i still think you're full of shit.. .

2. i don't know what your problem is, but i'll bet it's hard to pronounce.. .

one_ugly_time

Slightly off topic -- but at an interview I would love to say when the yask any questions "Please tell me why I should come and work for you"

This is actually a very good and important question to ask ! I always ask this question.

39

Aztec - This one's for you!

by czarofmischief in

this is a serious question i was going to raise anyway, and since aztec feels that she is being ignored .

all right, i'll take aztec for 1000 dollars, alex.

here's the question:.

one_ugly_time

czar said --

The Bible says that when a man and a woman get married, they become "one flesh". This doctrine is interpreted literally right down to this day: in that wives cannot testify against their husbands, and vice versa. What is your opinion of this? For instance, do you feel that "one flesh" is literal, in that husband and wife bond and grow closer together until they become one creature? Or is a metaphor of some degree?

I have an opinion on nearly every subject in the world. Not that I would always express one if I had no knowledge of the subject, as that would be rude and arrogant for the most part. But, I beg to differ, if someone asked me my opinion, irregardless of my knowledge, of, lets say, "The Darkness", a band I never heard of or have any idea about... I could say that I have no knowledge so no comment, or I could elaborate in general terms about how I feel about something they specifically said in their lyrics, or ask about the genre of music the play and I could comment on that aspect and begin to learn what this band is like, albiet vicariously. In fact, I wouldn't need to have the foggiest idea why they wrote what they wrote, or what it meant to them or anyone else, I would only know my feelings and could attach some level of subjectivity to the question and reveal a little bit about myself in the process.

This sort of dialog is exactly what I am terrible at. In social settings, I get claustrophobic or better yet, I KNOW I have the intellectually superior answer so I refrain from discussing such trivial matters. And when I stop and think about it, introspectively, I do all this because of my inability to disclose anything about who I am. I trust very few people, and so the less I reveal, the less I have to worry about anyone getting close enough to me that I get burned (oh, and I display alot of anger so they are sure to get burned if they get through any of my defenses).

Anyway, good question czar... I vote for the metaphor version. If the real trust, belief, and disclosure exists between 2 people that allow a deep emotional bonding, I believe they do eventually "read" each others thoughts; but they don't guess them or speak for them... they become one from the standpoint that they fulfill each other and extract from each other certain elements of the individual that are rarely, if ever, seen outside the context of the relationship. In this way, they support each others growth, independent of their own, cause they both know they have a "home" to go back to and share what they are learning.

ugly

16

Lousy Friends

by Nosferatu in

jw
friends

i just gotta vent here.

kinda hurting over this shit.

over the past couple of years, i've had nothing but disappointments with friends.

one_ugly_time

NOS,

That sucks. The only thing that comes to mind for the sudden change of attitudes is the fact that you are getting married. It is a major life status changes, and your friends may a) feel left out, b) feel like they are missing out, especially if you are engaged to someone they admire as an individual, c) feel they are loosing you and your hours upon hours of devoted friendship to someone else, or d) all the above and then some. OR, don't discount that you are going through a lot yourself... whether your friends are aware of it or not, your emotional "home" is changing...

I noticed another thread, by Aztec, where someone mentioned that guys don't talk about feelings. It sounds funny but it's true. I have a particular friend who has stood by me in some pretty difficult times; but I tried talking about feelings once with him and he changed the subject 3 times back to cars and projects. I got the hint, and never tried again. When we go our seperate ways for a while, I just leave it at that... we eventually get together again and have a lot of catching up to do (about things). So, don't always count on trying to talk it out and figure out what happened.

I believe you will soon find many married couples that have gone through similar experiences and will be able to build some new friendships based upon a different level of "commitment".

Congratulations ! I wish you well.

ugly

one_ugly_time

Posts by one_ugly_time