First of all, let me say that many, if not most, of my memories of abuse and early childhood were recovered. Some people feel that this diminishes my experience, or in some way denies what happened. I don't.
I suffered from major depression and was quite suicidal for 2 years before something happened to trigger my memories. September 1, 1987 my wife and I were in a hotel room in Paris. I had remarked how similar the countryside was to a home I had in the Ozarks when I was little. Late that night, after splitting a bottle of wine and feeling very relaxed and mellow, we were talking about my depression. Neither one of us knew why I was feeling so sad, so angry and in so much pain all the time. I was 25 and in the prime of my life and yet I was tired all the time, I slept 10 hours a night, I had gained 30 pounds and I was miserable. I hadn't been this way before, so what was going on?
This was a subject we had discussed many times, but I could not express to her how badly I felt. We had talked about reasons, but I honestly did not know. Even though I remembered nothing of the first 7 years, I thought my childhood was quite normal. My parents were a bit cold and even mean sometimes, but I thought it was understandable considering I was such a rotten person. I felt I deserved to be treated that way. However, I also had screaming nightmares 4 or 5 times a week for as long as I could remember. Often I could not remember what the nightmare was about. After we got married, Nina had told me that she often heard me scream, "No!! Don't kill me!"
Anyway, that night as we were talking, she asked me if I had ever been threatened or perhaps even abused as a child. I quickly told her no, it was impossible. Then she leaned over to me getting within a few inches of my face and said, "Did anyone ever say to you -- 'If you tell anyone about this I'll kill you?'"
To this day I don't remember what happened next. She said I began screaming and retreated into a corner saying "My God, my God get away from me, don't touch me!" over and over.
Over the next 3 or 4 months I began having little blips of memory. Sometimes it would be something inocuous, like playing in an inflatable wading pool with my sister, or remembering how my room looked when I was 4. I even remembered having a cowboys and indians bedspread. However, at other times I remembered other, more hideous things such as being raped by my grandfather while my mother stood in the doorway.
I did not believe what I was remembering. I did not think it was possible to have had such trauma and forget it. I am a very stubborn and skeptical person. It takes a lot before I will change my mind, and I needed proof. So I began a very quiet investigation. The first person I talked with was my maternal grandmother. I told her the memory I had about her ex-husband and she did not blink an eye. She looked at me for a long time, like she was debating over what to say. Then she said, "Honey, that was a very bad time, so I don't remember much about it. However I do believe he was capable of doing just what you said."
She told me how my paternal aunt (father's sister) had molested all of her children and my paternal uncle (father's brother) was an alcoholic and had molested his son. Interestingly, he and I were the only boys on my father's side of the family and we both changed our names legally when we grew up. Then she said something very curious, "Your parents ran around with a pretty wild crowd. Hon, just about anything you remember will probably be true."
Well that still wasn't enough for me. I began doing geneology research. I talked with the editor of the newspaper in my parent's little hometown. I talked with their old next door neighbor. I talked with a pediatrician. I wrote hospitals and other doctors. I talked with my other grandmother (my dad's mother). By this time I had other darker and more abusive memories. My list of rapists had expanded from just my grandfather to include my mother, my father and one of his friends. I had begun to remember an almost frenzied couple of years (ages 3-4 1/2) of oral sex, sodomy and orgies. I told most of this to my other grandmother. She also did not bat an eye. She was not shocked. She told me that she did not see anything happen (I had asked specifically because the elders had demanded an eyewitness) but she did tell me she suspected something at the time. She told me once she was babysitting me and my grandfather (the rapist) came to pick me up. I was 3. She remembered I had told him, "I don't know who you are, but I want you to leave because you make me nervous." She said she always remembered that not only because of how I said it but also because of his reaction which left her feeling something was not right. But she never said or did anything.
She confirmed some "normal" memories I had recovered, such as my parents had a lake house and a boat. My dad also owned a grocery store, and I described it for her in detail, and she confirmed I had recovered the memory correctly. I told her what my other grandmother had said about my aunt (her daughter) molesting her children. She said that two of the children had told her stories just as I was doing and she believed them, just as she believed me.
Then she began telling me stories I had not heard before, such as my parents and my aunt commiting her to a psychiatric hospital and filing suit in order to get her money. In 1966 she was worth between $300,000 and $400,000. She said she contacted her lawyer who had her released that day. She said she sent my father a Hallmark card that said, "If I'm crazy what does that make you?" She also told me my mother had a miscarriage 2 years before I was born and that my mother's mother (my maternal grandmother) had kept the fetus in a mason jar. She also told me, "It was a bad time."
I then got in touch with my mother's sister who also was not surprised at what I had recovered. She confirmed all of what both grandmothers told me. She said she was not an eyewitness to any rape, but she said both sides of the family were rotten to the core with my parents being the worst. She told me she had felt sorry for me because I didn't deserve what had happened. She gave me more information about my childhood and the extended family than either grandmother. She told me her father had raped his son when he was a child. According to her, my grandfather was "a sex addict". Not the word I would use, but it does capture the spirit. She also told me, "It was a bad time."
At home, I have a box of notes, photographs and letters that I kept while I was in therapy. There is a lot more that happened that I haven't talked about online. And there are a couple of questions I still have, the biggest is regarding a cryptic comment my paternal grandmother said to me: "After they were run out of town, your parents moved to Dallas." She never would explain that comment, and neither would anyone else. Why were my parents run out of town? And by who?
As I understand it, the current thinking in psychological circles is that repressed memories are false, implanted by the therapist. According to this thinking, anything recovered should be ignored. I have no doubt that this has happened, but I do not think the idea that an experience which can be so traumatic that it is buried or even forgotten should be discarded just because of a few rogue psychologists.
I think the memory should be validated, but at the same time I think it is also very important that HOW one feels about that memory is even more important. Is the experience frightening, shaming or does it bring up anger? These emotions should be dealt with. But I think it is a mistake to jettison something recovered just because it is out of vogue with the current thought.
In my own experience I don't know if I have every detail correct. Was it day or night? Did this rape occur in my bedroom or outdoors? Ultimately I do not think it matters. The most important thing is I know something hideous and frightening happened to a little boy. So far everything I've talked about online has been only the memories for which I have confirmation. There are other, more bizarre and crazy memories which give me goosebumps even as I'm writing this. But I could not get anyone to confirm them (although it was odd the way people wouldn't talk), so I won't go there.
Peace,
Chris
Repressed, Triggered and Recovered Memories
by Big Tex 98 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse
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Big Tex
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minimus
((((( ))))))............Well Chris, I guess you decided to share, and share you did. I don't think that I could've posted what you said if it occured to me. I hope you continue finding peace and love, friend.
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Mulan
What an amazing story!!!! Your wife was very insightful to think of the comment that triggered the return of your memories. Thank you for sharing a very painful and personal part of your life with us. I sincerely hope we can help you deal with all of it.
I have had the return of repressed memories too, and mine have all been confirmed, or involved confession of the fact, so I know not all repressed memories are planted there. I've never talked to a therapist, so it wouldn't apply to me. My memories were triggered by the man's voice that I hadn't heard in 20 years.
Stay strong............it seems to me that you are a survivor of the best kind!
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pamkw
How terrible for you. I am sure that your memories are real, you have too many other people confirming it for you. I personnally have childhood years I can not remember, from what I can remember, I don't care if those other memories ever come back.
You are very brave to post this to board like you have done.
Pam
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StinkyPantz
((Big Tex))-
I went through a similar experience, so I can kinda say I understand. I didn't remember anything until I got older either. . . .
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LyinEyes
Big Tex, it takes alot of courage to be able to tell your story,,,,,,because I know it is so very painful to tell it. I am sure you are helping alot of people understand what child abuse does to a little kid and also what the after effects are to a grown man. What happened in the past doesnt stay in the past, it will come out sooner or later. You know we have talked about my memories and feelings about this matter and I still am afraid to let myself think too deeply about it , afraid of what I might find out, even thou i know in my gut,some things.
I can give you an example of just one thing that happened to me when I was around the age of 9 or 10, something like that, that in my opinion proves that we can block memories and events completely out of our minds.
My mother's younger brother was in college and came to visit us and bring one of his college buddies along. Well this friend of my uncles,,,,,,touched me in the back seat of my mother's car, my mom and her brother were in the front . I wont go into details of what the guy did, but it made me sick feeling, I was so scared I was going to get in trouble for it. I remember the outfit I had on, my hair was in braids, and we were in the parking lot of Sears. The car was a Lincoln, beige leather seats. He wore glasses and an army type jacket.
I had forgotten all about this whole incident , until I was about 13, my mother and her mother had been fighting for years,,,,,,,my grandmother was quiet the looney bird........I asked Mama why she and Grandma were not speaking,,,,,,,,,,My mother said, you know it is still over that thing that happened with you and Tommy's friend..........I said what are you talking about,,,,,,,,, and she told me that I went to her one night crying, and after my uncle and his friend left, I told her about it. She was so angry she said that she called her mom up and told her that Tommy her brother was always welcome at our home but not that friend. My grandmother construed it , like my mother didnt want her brother there which was far for the case. So they were at odds because my grandmother was crazy and was until the day she died, a few months back. She was cruel and mean and my aunt , mama's sister , didnt have anything to do with the woman after mama died. They lived in the same town and didnt speak, although my aunt did try , it was hopeless and she just let my crazy ole grandmother alone.
When mama told me about, it and said that guys name,,,,,,,,it all came back to me that very minute. I don't know if it was the anger in my mom's voice all over again, her look,,,,,, my feelings of shame and guilt like it was my fault ,,,,,but something triggered it back, in great detail. I swear I had no memory of it before.
I still to this day think my mother in her unbalanced way , that she had at times, kind of did blame me for what happened, not in that it was my choice but that so many things seemed to center around me, and she was often jealous of me , and any attention I got . It was a very dysfunctional family , too much to tell, things I am not comfortable talking about .
So , I am saying that I , know 100% in my case , my mother being a witness to the events that took place and told me, and then me remembering in detail all of the events when it was triggered , that it really did happen. I even remembered the smell of the popcorn we got from Sears.
Big Tex, I am sure what you are feeling are true things that happened to you. Like you said it is not the details that really matter but that a little boy was hurt and you have to find the reasons ,,,,,, I know it is important for us when we are ready to find the cause of our pain.
You have done a remarkable job in being your own investigator, your own advocate in finding out what happened to you and telling about it. Nina is a wonderful woman to walk that hard road you have in front of you,,,, I wish you both peace and healing. I always enjoy what you have learned about yourself along your road to healing, even thou it hurts me that you were hurt , and that it still hurts you. You have helped me alot in helping me to understand things I was feeling but didnt understand. You have walked out of something horrible , something that is so hard as a mother myself to even phatom , how anyone could do that to a child........into a strong man, who is brave enough to tell the truth, and yet still has so much heart and soul , that you reach out to others so eagerly.
I thank you for so much for that, and for you just being the wonderful person you are.
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Scully
((((((((((( Chris )))))))))) & ((((((((((((( Nina ))))))))))
You are both loved and cherished here.
Chris you are a truly brave man. I respect and admire the journey you are on. Perhaps some day I will be ready to face my own journey the way you have. You are very fortunate to have the love and support to help you through this, from Nina.
Love, Scully
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myself
(((((((((Chris)))))))))) From your descriptions of other details of your childhood memories, I doubt that any of them were "planted" by therapists. The details that aren't personally threatening to your family members have been confirmed. The painful memories have not been denied. Whether it was daytime or nighttime, indoors or outdoors matters not. What matters is that it did happen. It has taken great strength to face these memories and even more strength to share these memories. I hope from the bottom of my heart that bringing them out of repression helps to heal you and bring you utmost peace. There is also comfort in knowing that you possessed the power to stop the cycle of abuse.
(((((((((Nina)))))))) You are the perfect complement to Chris. It has taken pure love, courage, and stregnth to help him through his past and into a time of healing. I admire the person that you are.
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breal
Memories are a weird and wonderful thing. So is the brain and I believe that doctors etc tend to dismiss things they cannot explain... I have had strange memories since my teen years and it used to upset me when people tried to dismiss them...but now I have decided that perhaps they are just unable to deal with the memories or issues. Some of my memories are all mixed up and jumbled as far as dates and times and people but I know they are real.
A friend of mine had recovered memories similar to yours but more to the line of physical abuse...for years his mother denied it but recently his father passed away and in going through his fathers belongings he found documentation and pictures that proved his memories that others had denied simply because he "recovered" them. So you are not alone.
I am sorry that your journey in this is a painful one but hopefully in the end it will also bring you a means to heal.
Cheers,
BReal
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RAYZORBLADE
Big Tex, once again, I'm almost rendered mute.
One thing however is true: you are well respected and appreciated here on this forum.
Your blatant honesty and courage to reveal this horrible event/events, may help some to open up and share as well.
We are all very proud of you, and care about you and your family: because we are family in some respects aren't we?
Deepest respect and admiration.
Rayzorblade