Posts by Meg

3

Two Aspirin

by Meg in

> >>>a guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little.

> >>>frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.. > >>>.

> >>>he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets.

> >>>A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little
> >>>frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
> >>>
> >>>He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets
two
> >>>aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
> >>>
> >>>She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my
mouth?"
> >>>He says, "Two aspirin."
> >>>She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
> >>>
> >>>He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".
>

2

Dress

by Meg in

a woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son?s house.

she rang the doorbell and walked in.

she was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Meg

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son?s house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. ?What are you doing?? she asked. ?I?m waiting for my husband to come home from work,? the daughter-in-law answered.

?But you?re naked!? the mother-in-law exclaimed ?This is my love dress,? the daughter-in-law said.

?Love dress? But you?re naked!?

?My husband loves me to wear this dress,? she said. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can?t get enough of me.?

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

?What are you doing?? he asked.

?This is my love dress,? she whispered, sensually.

?Needs ironing,? he said.

St. James City

by Meg in

a successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted .

wife.

she was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Meg

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other
a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday
night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots..

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes
in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down
and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

2

New Alcohol Warnings

by Meg in

things that are downright impossible to say when you're drunk:.

thanks, but i don't want to have sex.

nope, no more booze for me.

Meg

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type. Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants
to hear me sing.

NEW ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
andover again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe reel gude.

1

Nutty Joke

by Meg in

a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of saran wrap.

.

the psychiatrist says, well... i can clearly see your nuts.

Meg

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, Well... I can clearly see your nuts.

1

Check-Out Register

by Meg in

> > > a man was in a long line at the grocery store.

as he got to the register.

she asked him to drop his pants and he did.. > > > she reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said..... > > >.

Meg

> > > A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register

> > > he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the

> > > checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

> > > She asked," What size condoms?"

> > > The customer replied that he didn't know.

> > > She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

> > > The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

> > > She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

> > >

> > > A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool.

> > > He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did.

> > > She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....

> > >

> > > "

> > > "Cleanup, register 5."

> > >

1

Little Old Lady

by Meg in

> little old lady.

> there is a little old lady, who, every morning steps.

> onto her front porch, raises her arms to the sky and.

Meg

> ------------------------------------
> Little Old Lady
>
> There is a little old lady, who, every morning steps
> onto her front porch, raises her arms to the sky and
> shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
>
> One day an atheist moves into the house next door. He
> becomes irritated at the little old lady, so every
> morning, he steps onto his front porch after her and
> yells, "THERE IS NO LORD!"
>
> Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way
> every day.
>
> Then one morning, in the middle of winter, the little
> old lady steps onto her front porch and shouts,
> "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am
> starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
>
> The next morning she steps onto her porch and there
> are two HUGE bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE
> THE LORD!" she cries out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES
> FOR ME!"
>
> The atheist neighbor jumps out of the hedges and
> shouts, "THERE IS NO LORD.
>
> I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
>
> The little old lady throws her arms into the air and
> shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH
> GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!!"

3

Hee hee

by Meg in

>-three men -- one german, one japanese and a hillbilly -- were sitting

>naked in a sauna.

> >suddenly there was a beeping sound.

Meg

>-THREE MEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING

>NAKED IN A SAUNA.
>
>SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND THE
>BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER,"
>HE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
>
>A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM TO
>HIS EAR. WHEN HE FINISHED, HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I
>HAVE
>A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
>
>THE HILLBILLY FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE
>HAD
>TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
>TO THE BATHROOM. HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS
>BEHIND.
>
>THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM. THE HILLBILLY FINALLY
>SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

7

Wives vs. Husbands!! Guess who wins every time!!

by Meg in

> > > a couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

> > > an earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to .

> > > wife .

Meg

> > > A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
> > > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
> > > concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
> > > pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the
> > > wife
> > > replied, "in-laws."
> > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
> > > day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
> > > because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to
> > > his wife and asked, "What?"
> > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
> > > so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
> > > explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
> > > me
> > > stupid so I would be attracted to you!
> > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
> > > losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out
> > > the animal in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a
> > > mouse?"

76

What Did You Find To Be The Most Confusing Belief Of Jehovah's Witnesses?

by minimus in

jw
friends

jehovah's witnesses certainly have some unique beliefs and some are very, very confusing.

anything that you never quite understood?

Meg

When they say they have a loving brotherhood and then shun cirtain members who fail in some manor. I find that to be totaly disgusting. As well as telling you that you must not have no outside friends or you will not be pleaseing to God.

I agree with the above statement 100%.

I also was confused by the beards/facial hair thing. I personally love goaties.

The no memory of loved ones. I thought the point of being resaurected was to welcome back our dead loved ones?

Along the same lines as the above, I never understood how that worked if you had been married more then once, when you came back, who was your spouse??

Why it is ok to celebrate wedding anniversarys but not the anniversary of ones birth.

just to name a few...