Posts by dubstepped

34

heartbroken and not sure what to do...

by Khaleesi in

i don't know what to do.... i married last year and things have been very rocky.

we dated for 4 years and did have normal issues but always had a lingering doubt something was just not right in our relationship-behavior to be more specific, he is not a jw, but i am.

yes i know i married outside the "lord" but after my first marriage to a jw ended in divorce for physical abuse, i was glad i didn't married another jw.

dubstepped

Ugh, saying that he is in his thirties and is too young to have sexual issues is so ignorant. There is this feeling in the world that the average guy just needs to see a woman and boom, erection and let's get it on, and it's perpetuated by ignorance. If you don't know if it's too early or if Aspies have issues maybe you should get your learning on. Blaming doesn't help, and neither does pressure, for anyone no matter their gender. Not every male just wakes up in the morning ready to bang the first thing that walks by. There are some for which that's a sole focus. You married a guy that seems to be very intelligent and has a disorder that makes him connect differently, sometimes because such people are lost in their own head.

I am definitely somewhere on the spectrum myself. ADHD with maybe some Aspie, a dash of OCD, and formerly very anxiety ridden. My mind just goes and goes. Sex is more important to some than others. If he's not holding out because of spite, maybe he has a problem that falls into that for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, category. Maybe you two need some marriage counseling. Maybe you need individual therapy for each of you. You definitely need to spend time trying to understand one another. There's nothing wrong with being ignorant as long as your goal isn't to stay there. Just as there's nothing wrong with him being sexually dysfunctional as long as his goal isn't to stay there. Sex and intimacy go hand in hand. Intimacy isn't just having sex, it is how you relate to and understand one another. Often sex in long term relationships is great for a couple of years and then there's a switch over from erotic sex to intimate sex, and this culture doesn't promote the latter. Sex is portrayed as something automatic that should just be a natural reaction to a stimulus. It doesn't work that way forever.

I know you feel rejected, been there done that myself, but what I learned is that it wasn't all about me and my needs. I am still learning, and that part was about me. I didn't understand where my wife was coming from, and ultimately I didn't understand myself either. Don't look to blame. Look to find common ground and intimacy based in deep understanding of how you and your partner work.

16

Adjusting

by cognac in

jw
friends

just feel like i could never make it on the outside world.

i was never able to adjust, except in being a mom and in business.

those are the only things that i feel strong in.

dubstepped

I think that everything has a million implications when you're trying to hold onto something that you need to let go of. I was so worried about so many things as a JW. Everything we did was heavily scrutinized by everyone around us and by everything we read and heard. Every decision was life or death. My life is so much simpler after leaving the organization. All that stress just melted away. I cannot quantity the amount of relief. It's just amazing.

I've started my own business but never became a parent and I was able to get out. If you can do those two things you can too. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I was sooooooo hard on myself. What I learned over time is the truth of the statement that you, as you are right now, are enough. I was addicted to striving to be more and do more because that's what the religion put in me.

I don't know you, but you must be strong to run a business and a family. That's tough. And you put a great emphasis on motherhood, which is beautiful, but you want to set a great example, right? What do you want your kids to see when they look at you? A person trapped, or a free spirit?

I need to make a thread about my journey out, but one of the biggest things that helped me break free of the mental and emotional chains was listening to great audio books that helped me to develop healthy perspectives on life. So much of reality is how we choose to, or have been trained to, see it. There is good and bad and we get to choose where to look.

I went from suicidal to the happiest and most well adjusted person many that know me know. I went from full of anxiety to peace. I went from having no friends in the organization to starting to develop new relationships on the outside, and I used to literally hate just about everyone. My life has transformed in so many powerful and positive ways. I stopped trying to force myself into the role I was given as a JW and realized through some powerful experiences that true power is shown not by trying to control everything by forcing it, but my allowing things to be as they are and accepting them. One thing I had to accept was that I didn't fit in as a JW no matter how hard I tried to force it. All of my prayers for friends were never answered the way I thought. Nobody in the organization cared at all and I was constantly turning away invitations from worldly people because I thought that's what God wanted. All along he was sending me what I needed but it didn't align with the JW teachings. I gave in and followed life and what it gave me and things finally started falling into place. It can happen for you too.

(((Hugs)))

44

The Witnesses Are Really Trying Hard To Get Me Back In

by minimus in

jw
friends

at my mom's bed side all i see is either jw family or friends making a concerted effort to have me return to their fold.

evidentlyy, my mom has encouraged this and i'm a trapped prisoner, as they do their best to have me come back.

it's bad enough that i have to endure my mom's dying, now i have to be bombarded with this bs..

dubstepped

Wow, I'm so sorry Minimus. Sending good vibes your way.

9

I have found a new Anthem for us ExJW's - Defector by Muse

by cantleave in

jw
friends

freeyeah, i'm freefrom your incitingyou can't brainwash meyou've got a problemfreeyeah i'm freefrom societyyou can't control mei'm a defectoryou think you're strong and you can't be brokenbut your empire is dissolvingyou thought, you thought i was weakbut you got it wronglook into my eyesi'm a defectorfreeyeah, i'm freefrom your incitingyou can't brainwash meyou've got a problemfreeyeah i'm freefrom societyyou can't control mei'm a defectoryour blood is blue and your mind is turned greenand your belly is all yellowyou believe your throne is too high to be overthrownwe'll watch it get razedby a defectorfreeyeah, i'm freefrom your incitingyou can't brainwash meyou've got a problemfreeyeah i'm freefrom societyyou can't control mei'm a defectori'm a defectorfreeyeah, i'm freefrom your incitingyou can't brainwash meyou've got a problemfreeyeah i'm freefrom societyyou can't control mei'm a defector

dubstepped

I like "I'll Attack" by 30 Seconds To Mars. Just really listened to it the other day and felt it was appropriate for some of my feelings. I love the Rise Against song mentioned as well, big fan of theirs and saw them in concert earlier this year. Now I'm off to check the Muse song, as I like them too.

53

First thoughts on "new" meeting...

by konceptual99 in

had a quick look at the workbook and flicked through the sample meeting video.. the increased use of video shows the trend for more centralised dissemination of "best practice" .

sure there isn't really a "school" any more and the format is a bit different but i think those that called it as the same old crap just in new package got it pretty much right.

.

dubstepped

crazyhorse: They're all zombies.

Aren't they though? JW's are so afraid to be human, so afraid to err or even put on heirs that they might not be perfect, that they make videos like this where people are devoid of natural interactions. Much like when I was a kid pointing out that kids don't respond to books like the YPA book because nobody talks like that, I can again point to videos like this as evidence that these aren't real people. They are robots. Watch their faces as they feign emotion that they know they "should" show over someone weeping in the Bible accounts, the pat on the arm the sister receives for her sudden comment about her husband's death, and the forced expression of support for her from the brother leading the study. I've always found it creepy.

RULES & REGULATIONS:
Where are the late arrivals?
Why aren't there any elders causing a commotion by whispering in someone's ear and walking around pretending they have something to say that can't wait till the meeting ends?
Where are the members who need to walk to the water fountain or go to the bathroom for the 10th time?
Why isn't there anyone so tired from a hard days work that they are nodding off?

Well brothers and sisters, aren't we happy that we have the real life apart from the distractions of this world? Doesn't it warm our hearts that we can praise Jehovah with such a perfect meeting? Stumbling over words when commenting shows that we don't really love Jehovah with the declarations of our lips now, does it? And shouldn't we strive in our heartfelt expressions from our seats to reflect the intensity of the emotions and lives of those that we read about through the pages of God's Word? Would we want to miss even one second of this rich spiritual blessing by not being in our seats and attentive, for this means our very life? The refreshing atmosphere of our Christian congregation is enhanced by our loving consideration of one another by remaining in our seats until the spiritual feast is over. Blah....blah....blah....

I can still write the ridiculous overcompensating drivel that they would speak from the platform as words of "encouragement" (or shame) to those that are falling short of their ridiculous expectations.

15

A question for the shunned re: hide or seek

by dubstepped in

so here's my question as a newly daed person that is summarily shunned.

do you hide from family and act like you don't exist or do you let them know you're still here and seek them out?

they want you to be dead, like you no longer exist, because strict avoidance makes it easier on them.

dubstepped

@ Sabin and @ Mary J Blige - I have to say that although I liked the other posts here, your two posts really hit me. I think that the farther I get from the cult the less I remember how I would have felt if I was still in and someone sent me letters or cards or whatever. You're very correct in your assessment as to how they will likely be received, especially that part about them seeing it as me being sorry for my choices. I remember them twisting things I did even before I DA'ed to fit the story they've all been given. They have a narrative provided to them that explains the actions of everyone, including those that leave the Borg. Everything we do will be viewed within that framework. It really is a losing battle, and honestly I don't want to get sucked back into that toxic world at all.

I actually shunned my brother for many years and reconnected with him on my own last year. He never sent me cards or anything and it made no difference. It was up to me to see the error of my shunning ways and to reach out to him, which I did. You two are right. There's no use in sending anything with any hopes, and the reality is that our family was not really close anyway. Very dysfunctional even on the best of days. I've always been an optimist, hoping that my family would turn out to be close and loving and it was just never in the cards no matter how hard I tried to get us together and to be family. It has led me to getting back into dealings that I shouldn't have and I've been burned more than once. I appreciate what everyone said, but you two said what I personally needed to hear with my circumstances and history.

37

I'm a coward.

by cappytan in

jw
friends

since the move, it has been so enjoyable to not have jw's breathing down our necks asking why we didn't make the meeting, or having to pretend to be "spiritual" in front of family all the time.. 90% of my week is virtually stress free.

then, my mom calls or texts wanting to talk to her grandkids.

every dang call, she asks about the new congregation, if we went to the meeting, etc.. why can't i tell her to fk off?

dubstepped

Even before DAing my parents were told in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to talk about the religion anymore. It was just a place I was unwilling to go. I told them I was struggling with it all and didn't want to be disrespectful so let's just leave it off the subject list for conversations. We can still talk about life. Unfortunately that's about all JWs have to talk about, but it did buy us time until we disassociated for good. We didn't know that was our inevitability, but we knew JW talk was highly upsetting.

With that said, there sure is some beauty to the silence brought on by DAing. Hang in there. You're no coward. This is something tough that most people never have to face. Just the fact that you faced down your own belief structure is proof of more bravery than many possess.

15

A question for the shunned re: hide or seek

by dubstepped in

so here's my question as a newly daed person that is summarily shunned.

do you hide from family and act like you don't exist or do you let them know you're still here and seek them out?

they want you to be dead, like you no longer exist, because strict avoidance makes it easier on them.

dubstepped

So here's my question as a newly DAed person that is summarily shunned. Do you hide from family and act like you don't exist or do you let them know you're still here and seek them out? They want you to be dead, like you no longer exist, because strict avoidance makes it easier on them. My wife and I are trying to decide what to do. Should we still send cards for anniversaries and such? We want to take the high road here, to show them that THEY are the ones making a change because JWs blame the victim of their shunning. I want them to see that we're still here and that we're the bigger people while they're being petty. On the other hand, I don't want to psychologically torment cult victims who don't know how screwed up they are. What do you do? Just disappear into the night as if you never were, or let them know that you still are?

124

My Mom Is Dying

by minimus in

jw
friends

i just wanted to say that my dear 89 year old mom is terminally ill and will soon pass.

she is on morphine and hanging on.

she has been a devout witness for about 60 years and a wonderful mother.

dubstepped

Since I DA'ed I lost both parents and will likely never even know when they die. So although it will be hard to lose her, appreciate the times you had and the bond as well. Hugs for you and yours.

22

If you don't enjoy working with the public choose another career.

by James Mixon in

jw
friends

i'am sure you have come across someone with that type of personality, working in sales, clerk, waitress or waiter.

most are nice but once in a while you come across that person that needs to choose a different career.. this morning i met that person, she just screwed up my day.

i'm thinking maybe her day wasn't a good start,a fight with her husband, bills or children but don't screw up my day.

dubstepped

Sounds like your ego got the best of you. The person made a mistake, and for it to ruin your day because she didn't confirm your correctness means that you should learn more about the ego. So much of our daily interactions revolve around our ego or that of others. Maybe the service person didn't want to admit error because of their ego and it triggered yours because it transferred to you. In the end, it doesn't affect who you are as a person when something like that happens. We expect too much of one another and often not enough of ourselves. Be the bigger person and rise above.

With that said, we've all been there and let it get the best of us. I used to get super upset over things like that. Reading A New Earth by Tolle really helped me to take a look at such interactions. We're all having a shared experience and that person fell short. That's an opportunity for you to pick up the slack.