Posts by exjdub

51

Still on the fence!

by acuragirl in

jw
friends

hey everyone i know its been a while since i posted but today i felt the need.just wanted to update you all on my position which is still brainwashed!i just dont know what to do i gain my strength to conquer this disease,(thats what i call being born in the org) from others like freedom lover who have come out of this religon free and clear i know its not easy but i know it can be done.i dont know why i just cant get over it and move on already,but theres thats piece of me that says,but what if?then im back, screwed and tatooed with jdub on my forehead,thinking that jehovah is upset and dissapointed with me and satan has me in his grasp.im stil sooo confused even with all the evidence pointing to they are full of crap!what if they arent?i just want to know the truth even if i dont choose to follow it,i want to know if jehovah is watching me torment myself every day,going back and forth and i cant take it anymore.then i think what if there is no jehovah?who the hell am i praying to with my daughter at night?

(the air mabe)you see my daughter still believes even though she is ready to celebrate halloween this year and yes we bought her a costume,cinderella!my mother comes and takes her every now and then only if i promise to go to some meetings and i did last weekend i attended the sunday meeting for once in a about 6 months!felt strange to be there but once again going to a different cong i got love bombed.btw i feel guilty and scared about having anything to do with halloween this year.yup still dealing with the guilt,fear,agony,of knowing and believing in the dubs,for so long now trying desperately to get out without feeling the way i do.i just dont know what to do anymore and its a shame because the dubs have sucked the life out of me(guess i didnt check my doubts soon enough).if i dont get off the fence soon im going to go nuts.i like believeing that satan doesnt even exist and that there is no heavenly org.gives me peace of mind that i can just live my life,if theres a god,fine,is it jehovah?thats where the conflict arises and i cant just go on with my life thinking jehovah has lost me to the other side!

!im not a lost cause yet guys.i need new light!

exjdub

he will never understand, what it is like to be born in the org grow up in the org spend your teenage years and some of your adulthood in it,then find out that they might not be THE TRUTH! Let me say its earth shattering!

acuragirl,

After being "raised in the Truth" from the age of 5 and remaining until I was 35, I can understand what you are feeling. It is earth shattering to learn that you have been deceived. All of the feelings that you describe are feelings that I felt as well. But how else would someone feel after placing so much trust in an organization that has betrayed us so deeply? Your feelings are quite normal.

If it makes you feel any better I can tell you that, for some unexplicable reason, I decided to go to a meeting two years ago (I had been inactive for 7-8 years at that point) after an elderly sister came to my door and treated me in a kindly way. What is worse is that I actually allowed an elder to talk me into a "study." After one very brief study I came to my senses, but it left me shaken. I could not figure out what posessed me to do that. I feel so strongly that the JWs do not have the truth and I have witnessed the hypocrisy and lack of love for many, many years. What is worse is that I live in a completely different area than where I was previously associated. I had anonymity. Nobody in my town knew I was ever a witness. I had absolutely no reason to do what I did. Sometimes abusive relationships cause us to do crazy things.

So...I guess my point is that the abusive bonds are very strong. Trust your instincts. One of the things that made it difficult for me to leave was the constant feeling that "I was not worthy of the Organization." How could we feel any other way when we have been constantly told that we are not worthy our whole lives? Couple that with the constant barrage of disapproval, control, and browbeating that goes on in the Borg and you have a recipe for one confused and scared person. I now realize that the "Organization is not worthy of me." Just remember one thing: Courage is not something that you receive completely before doing something that is terrfying. Courage is a reward for doing something that terrifies you. Leaving the "safety" of the Borg is terrifying. Once you have opened the door, though, you will always have the courage to stand by your convictions. It has taken courage for you to question the WTBTS. Trust Yourself. Continue to ask questions.

Warmest Regards,

exjdub

15

A funny way to stop the door knockers!

by caz in

my last 2 posts have been so sad that i thought i would tell you about something that i remembered once when the jw"s came a calling.

i guess it would have been funny if it wasn't so darn embarassing!

when i was younger i was trying to 'get fit' and had taken to doing aerobics in my loungeroom.

exjdub

That is a scream, caz! I didn't think you could get put on a DNC list that easily. The Dubs nowadays are getting soft!

exjdub

14

Divided Household

by pratt1 in

i grew up in a "divided household" and i was wondering how many of you had similar experiences to mine.. 1. i was always viewed as fatherless child as a kid.

i wasn't, i had a very involved father, however he was an unbeliever.. 2. i always felt the my decisions in life ultimately meant that i was chosing one parent over the other.

going to college i chose dad over mom.

exjdub

Husband has said that jw's don't beleive everyone else but them will be destroyed. Yet every exjw board says the opposite.

Carla,

JW's use a technicality to get around this belief. When pressed on this issue you might receive an explanation of: "Only Jehovah can read hearts and only he can determine who lives and who dies, so certainly we cannot say that only JWs will live." They will never give you a straight answer. Not one JW will provide a specific group, or person, that they believe will live. However they always believe that JW's as a group will survive, although they have a technicality around this also by saying that not all JW's will live. The road leading to life is cramped...blahblahblah. The reason they answer this way is that they do not want to be accused of judging, which is a job for Jehovah and Jesus, according to the Bible (if that is what you believe).

JWs do believe they are the only ones that are not going to be destroyed. When you are asking hubby about this issue, ask him specifically about individual groups. For example you might ask: "Will Catholics be destroyed?" If he answers honestly, the only answer he can give is yes, according to JW belief. According to JWs all of Christendom is slated for destruction. Ask him for just one group that he thinks will survive destruction, other than JWs. He will not answer it because JW belief is that there are no other groups, organizations, religions, etc. that will survive, other than them. Interesting that they can never name another group, but they are always quite sure of their own survival.

exjdub

31

Isolated & disconnected once outside

by enosant in

jw
friends

is this a common issue for exjws?

or do you find it easy to just get on with it?

having lost all the jw friends, you find that you can't bring yourself to let others get too close, even pushing them away (old habbit dying hard).

exjdub

We have found it quite difficult to handle the contrast between the 5 meetings a week with all the association and then NOTHING.
Like others we dont want to "Get involved" with any other group or religion to meet people. Dont really want the commitment or control that it could entail.

Anglise,

It is difficult to go from complete dedication (5 meetings a week) to nothing, however there are other ways to "get involved" without religion. I actually stumbled on to something when we left that really helped. I was looking for work and happened to see an ad for a job that entailed helping brain damaged and people with Downs Syndrome, etc. find work in the community. I had no idea how much really helping people would help heal my own heart. For once I was really helping people that needed help, without handing them a couple of magazines and moving on. I was making a difference. The result was quite unexpected because I went into the job to make money, but I came out of it with a different thought process. It started me on the road to healing. It didn't magically change everything and I still struggled with hurt feelings, but it did start the process that allowed me to heal.

Although I eventually moved on from this job (the pay was horrible and I couldn't afford to stay), I realized that as bad as I felt after the JW betrayal, there were people who had it much worse. I don't mean to sound trite. The pain of leaving the Borg is very real and excrutiating, but every day I would see people that had a very difficult time functioning in a society that is not very forgiving when you don't fit the mold of a "normal" person. It was very cathartic to help others in a way that really meant something. Although I do not do this for work anymore, I try to find ways to help in the community I live in. Sometimes it is as simple as helping my elderly neighbors. There is nothing like helping others in your neighborhood to help you plug back into life.

I think sometimes we all forget how much influence the WTBTS had in connection with being part of the community. It was frowned down upon if we spent time doing anything but peddling the WT and Awake. The Borg always said it was OK to help people, just as long as it did not take away from the preaching activity, or the meetings. And, of course, it was strongly "encouraged" to help within the congregation first. Well after attending meetings all week, and then going out in service on the weekend, it did not leave much time for helping anyone else, never mind people outside of the "Organization". I think it taught us to be selfish and inclusive. So when you leave, you really have to fight the inclination to be internal. It is hard to break out of that shell, but it does work to reach out to others that deserve it.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble so much, and my intent was not to preach. It's just that when I open certain doors things come flooding back to me. I think that hardest part of my leaving was the very issue of how to feel normal again and how to start trusting again. All of the issues that have been raised on this thread are very real, very painful, and will take time to heal. But healing will occur.

Warmest Regards,

exjdub

31

Isolated & disconnected once outside

by enosant in

jw
friends

is this a common issue for exjws?

or do you find it easy to just get on with it?

having lost all the jw friends, you find that you can't bring yourself to let others get too close, even pushing them away (old habbit dying hard).

exjdub

Probably means that I invested myself in those relationships completely heart, mind and soul just like I did with the 'Truth'. Living but not learning! This is an approach I need to reassess!

enosant,

I think that is the tendency sometimes. Sometimes we search for something to fill the hole that is left when we leave the Borg, when really what we need is time to reflect and learn about ourselves. However that is tough to do when you are single and looking for a relationship. I realize that I was lucky because my wife and I left the Organization together, so I had someone to share my deepest thoughts with, both good and bad. I know that you will find a balance with your relationships. Don't be so hard on yourself. Broken relationships do not mean failure, rather they are opportunities to learn about yourself and are part of the journey.

exjdub

132

My Mother's Being Announced in November As OFF The Pioneer List

by minimus in

jw
friends

after 40 years of serving as a regular pioneer and being on the infirm list, the circuit overseer, the po and another elder told her today in a 30 min.

conversation she was going to be announced as no longer pioneering.

the co mostly talked about me, my wife and daughter.

exjdub

minimus,

My wife always equated the cruelty to the "sheep", and the apparent enjoyment that the CO and elders derive from it, as pulling the wings off of a butterfly. Anyone who has sacrificed as much as your 80 year old mother has, is a beautiful butterfly who has just been pinned down and had her wings ripped off. My heart aches for her and what she must be feeling right now.

exjdub

6

Enjoying Making My Own " Moo Goo"

by banished1 in

jw
friends

do you like yogurt?

i like to eat a little of it everyday.

it is kind of expensive and a hassle to deal with all the containers in addition to getting to the grocery store which is 15 miles away.

exjdub

banished1,

Thanks for the recipe. My wife and I have always wanted to make our own yogurt and your method sounds straightforward and fairly easy. I am going to copy and paste this on to a Word doc and save in a file. Thanks!

7

Is there anything the WTS could do.............

by acuragirl in

jw
friends

this is a question for believers of the wts.

is there anything that the wts could do to make you not believe anymore?

what would it take for them to shatter your faith?

exjdub

acuragirl,

Welcome to JWD! Although I applaud your courage in asking your question, I think the reason you are not getting a response to your post is that you have asked for believers to respond. There are not a lot of those (including myself) here. Although all are welcome, JWD is primarily a site filled with ex-JWs. If you stick around and read a bit you will find plenty of answers to your question. Most everyone on this site is here because they did reach a breaking point, and if you truly want an answer to your question, then either invite anyone to comment or read some of the stories on this board and you will hear heart rending experiences that you will find to be compelling.

If you are open to it, please share what your breaking point is, if you know it. It is not an easy question to answer because I, for one, did not know my breaking point when I was an active JW. Also, there was not just one breaking point for me...there were a lot of things that disturbed me in the 30 years that I was a JW, both large issues and small ones. I am not sure that I could tell you what the last straw was, although I could tell you many of the things that disturbed me over the years that made it possible for me to leave. I hope to see you post more and welcome you once again. Regards.

exjdub

31

Isolated & disconnected once outside

by enosant in

jw
friends

is this a common issue for exjws?

or do you find it easy to just get on with it?

having lost all the jw friends, you find that you can't bring yourself to let others get too close, even pushing them away (old habbit dying hard).

exjdub

enosant and dez,

When I left (about 9 years ago) I was extremely hurt, angry, confused, etc. I felt so raw and angry I would not let anyone close, other than my wife and kids. My wife said that my rage was palpable and she could feel it, as if it was seeping out of my skin. She knew it was not directed at her, or the kids, and I never lashed out at them, but I did overeact with situations that came up in everyday life and I pushed many people away. I think the pushing away and the anger is normal when you are completely betrayed. Who, of any of us here, have not experienced a complete tearing out of our hearts? We all left, or were thrown out of, an organization that was supposedly our "family". All of our friendships were completely tied up in the Borg. We were taught to trust with all of our hearts and to not question "authority." This is all part of the journey when you unplug from the Matrix.

This has completely changed over time and it will change for you too. You can trust again, but it will take time. It is OK to be cautious when meeting new people. Many of the people I have met have not deserved my friendship, nor my trust, but the only way to find that out is to meet new people and give them a chance. You will meet new people, some you think will be great friends, only to find that they do not have character or good "fiber" for a close relationship. You may even choose, as I did, to not add any friendships for a while. For me, I think that was best. I would not have made a very good friend when I first left because I was too intense, too inward, and too angry. Others may not have those same feelings.

The important thing to remember is that you do not have anyone telling you who to be friends with. It's your choice! Looking back on it now, I have found that I learned more about myself during my angry period than any other time in my life. The journey has been difficult but I would not trade it for any amount of money. The fire of anger and the bitterness of complete betrayal burned away a lot of unnecessary layers for me. It was a critical time for me and because of it I have become a much better father, husband, and friend. I don't think I understood what love was until I lost the WTBTS "support" system.

exjdub (of the life is sublime class)

9

New Light and Sports

by pratt1 in

.

although i am pleased when i hear about children of dubs who are pursuing sports at the high school, college and professionally level, it also disturbs me that so many of us in the past lost out on these opportunities because of the rigid views of the dubdum.. a friend of mine that is still active says that many of these changes or new light occurrs because thinking dubs stand up to the elders and make these personal decisions for their family without the advice of elders.. do you ever feel that you should/could stand up for your beliefs even when they are against the advice of elders, eventually you could inspire change within the religion?.

i ask because through out history change has ocurred because of standing up to those in authority.. examples, gandi, martin luther king, susan b. anthony to name just a few.. what are your thoughts?.

exjdub

I had every coach on the team, begging me to play. Even on parent-teacher night, the head coach told my dad, the team could really use me. Grrrrrrr..........

Hallowedbethyname:

I feel your pain! I had the same thing happen. Your post sent a pang of distress that ran all the way to the gut. I forgot how frustrating that was for me. I too was always being asked to "go out" for various sports by the coaches. Football, Soccer, Lacrosse, Basketball, Baseball, Track. Couldn't do any of it. What was even more frustrating was that, after I accepted that I could not play, I would try to find a way to play sports in an "acceptable" way. The only gym that was around, when I was a kid in New England, was the YMCA, and we all know what the ruling was on that. Arrrrrrrrhhhhhh!!!!!!

The good news is that I have a 1 year old grandson who is Dub free. He can play anything he wants to! Any pain and distress that I have gone through was well worth the sacrifice to be able to give him the freedom to enjoy his life. He can express himself athletically, musically, through education, or any way that he chooses! I will be ready with my wallet and my moral support to make sure that he lives a full and unfettered life. Watching him grow up, knowing that he is not held down by the chains of intolerance and the lack of freedom, is very healing for me.

exjdub