Isolated & disconnected once outside

by enosant 31 Replies latest jw friends

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  enosant

  Is this a common issue for exJWs? or do you find it easy to just get on with it?

  Having lost all the JW friends, you find that you can't bring yourself to let others get too close, even pushing them away (old habbit dying hard). I find I'm still finding myself doing that now.

  Do you find yourself dong that too? Collecting a large number of acquiantances, that you keep a 'safe' distance away, always finding some excuse not to spend time with them?

  These words of a song come to mind:

  Is there anybody out there who
  Is lost and hurt and lonely too
  Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
  and if you come undone
  As if you've been run through
  Some catapult it fired you
  You wonder if your chance will ever come
  Or if you're stuck in square one
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  dezpbem

  Looks like we had the same idea about the same time, lol!

  I made a post about friendship and pushing people away. Our other thread was going off topic. I've noticed alot of ex-jw's have had this situation with lack of friends and the like.

  Hopefully we'll get some others talking about it since it seems to be one of the major p;roblems we get stuck with when we leave.

  Dez
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  Kaylen

  That is my biggest regret too. All the childhood friends you had won't/can't talk to you, you couldn't make other "worldly" friends and it is alot harder to make friends when you are older especially because of the "rat training" you received growing up to exclude people and not get involved. Your social skills get all screwed up. It makes me sad too.
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  Black Sheep

  That has been one of my problems, but I am getting over it and have made some wonderful heathen friends.

  It does take some effort though. It is very easy for me to slip into the role of hermit. My neighbour, and best friend of many years, is very outgoing and makes friends easily. He is a greal role model in that department and I take note of how he does it and apply it myself. it has made a big difference in my life.

  Chris
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  exjdub

  enosant and dez,

  When I left (about 9 years ago) I was extremely hurt, angry, confused, etc. I felt so raw and angry I would not let anyone close, other than my wife and kids. My wife said that my rage was palpable and she could feel it, as if it was seeping out of my skin. She knew it was not directed at her, or the kids, and I never lashed out at them, but I did overeact with situations that came up in everyday life and I pushed many people away. I think the pushing away and the anger is normal when you are completely betrayed. Who, of any of us here, have not experienced a complete tearing out of our hearts? We all left, or were thrown out of, an organization that was supposedly our "family". All of our friendships were completely tied up in the Borg. We were taught to trust with all of our hearts and to not question "authority." This is all part of the journey when you unplug from the Matrix.

  This has completely changed over time and it will change for you too. You can trust again, but it will take time. It is OK to be cautious when meeting new people. Many of the people I have met have not deserved my friendship, nor my trust, but the only way to find that out is to meet new people and give them a chance. You will meet new people, some you think will be great friends, only to find that they do not have character or good "fiber" for a close relationship. You may even choose, as I did, to not add any friendships for a while. For me, I think that was best. I would not have made a very good friend when I first left because I was too intense, too inward, and too angry. Others may not have those same feelings.

  The important thing to remember is that you do not have anyone telling you who to be friends with. It's your choice! Looking back on it now, I have found that I learned more about myself during my angry period than any other time in my life. The journey has been difficult but I would not trade it for any amount of money. The fire of anger and the bitterness of complete betrayal burned away a lot of unnecessary layers for me. It was a critical time for me and because of it I have become a much better father, husband, and friend. I don't think I understood what love was until I lost the WTBTS "support" system.

  exjdub (of the life is sublime class)
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  lisavegas420

  I've been out many years, and I still find myself pushing people away when they try to get to close. Even wonderful kind people. It's like I'm afraid that they will change or find out too much about me and stop liking me.

  Having said that, I want to tell you about a girl that I work with. She's about 10 years younger than I am. Beautiful woman inside and out with a beautiful family. Some of the other girls in the office hate/are jealous of her because of that.

  I've found out we had quite a bit in common. She claims to have been a Witnesses ..but she was 12 and her and her parents were only studying and never went to a meetings. But were firm believers. Got rid of religious and pagan stuff. Stopped holidays and such.

  Now she says shes a witch and is into wicca.

  She expressed an interest in us getting together outside of work. Meet each others families. I put her off for almost two years, and finally accepted an inviation to go to lunch and shopping last weekend. We had a wonderful time.

  On Monday she came running up to me and told me how much she had missed me over the weekend and was soooo happy to see me. She must have noticed that look on my face---> Because she quickly back away and apoligized and said "sorry I know you don't let people get too close. I'll try to contain myself. .....when can we go out again? "

  I know she's really trying to be nice. ...but I still feel fearful.

  lisa
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  Jordan

  On a social level, I feel I've progressed alot since leaving, and I'm very lucky to have a large group of friends, I even still have regular contact with my best friend who's still in the organisation.

  But, since I've been out of the bOrg, I've found it very hard to let myself to get close to anyone that I can form a close relationship with. I end up pushing them away, and using lame excuses. I don't know why, and I hate that I do this to people.
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  AlmostAtheist

  The "friends" issue has dogged me now for what seems like forever. I was 15 when I started studying, so I more or less abandoned my childhood school friends in favor of my new Kingdom hall friends. Then I moved where the need is greater at 19, so I left behind those friends of 4 years for a congregation of old folks. Nobody my age at all. After a couple of years of that, I moved to yet another congregation. I kept this up until I moved to columbus 10 years ago. Then last year, I quit JW's.

  So it's not so much that I've lost my lifelong friends, it's that I've never HAD a "life long" friend. JW's took away my high school friends, then took away my JW friends.

  Of course, I've made friends. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing something in being 36 and not having any friendships that are 10 years old. I find that there's no one I feel I can trust with my inner most concerns and things. When I really feel like I need to sit down with a friend that knows me, that I can trust, that I've been through things with -- that friend doesn't exist.

  Dave
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  AuldSoul

  I have lifelong friends. Three of whom I would gladly die in place of (and that is a rare kind of friend).

  I think as JWs we are encouraged to put on the "appearance of friendliness" and that serves as a substitute for friendship. I find that the conditionalism of JWs prevents many of them from understand what real friendship is all about. There are hundreds of things for which your friends could be forever cut off from your life, how close can you really afford to get to them?

  My two centavos.

  AuldSoul
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  vitty

  Ive had "friends" for 20 years but when they find out I dont go anymore, well we all know what will happen.

  The thing is I dont want friends, All my friends where really just peeps I saw 3 times a week went on holiday with and my children grew up with theirs, in the end it is meaningless..........

  My husband wants a social life but I dont know what I want yet, but I know I dont want to get involved with people and have to make a commitment to them and what happens if you find out you dont like them after all, how do you stop it

  As I read this back it sounds crazy, but I just dont know how to do it without being in the structure of the org !