Funky D. It's my dream to go to Ireland and the other British Isles.I think some Irish folks might find that statement contentious! LOL!
Crumpet
JoinedPosts by Crumpet
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66
~Beloved landmarks from your hometown~
by FlyingHighNow inwhen i was almost seven, we moved from the gulf coast town of mobile, alabama to morgan city, louisiana.
on brashear avenue, which was also highway 90, the gulf coast hwy, going towards the now old atchafalaya bridge, there was a shrimp boat in the middle of the road called the spirit of morgan city.
at christmas time they decorated it with a santa on the front and his reindeer out front, as if it were santa's mode of transportation through cajun country, rather than his regular sleigh.
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Crumpet
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66
~Beloved landmarks from your hometown~
by FlyingHighNow inwhen i was almost seven, we moved from the gulf coast town of mobile, alabama to morgan city, louisiana.
on brashear avenue, which was also highway 90, the gulf coast hwy, going towards the now old atchafalaya bridge, there was a shrimp boat in the middle of the road called the spirit of morgan city.
at christmas time they decorated it with a santa on the front and his reindeer out front, as if it were santa's mode of transportation through cajun country, rather than his regular sleigh.
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Crumpet
Ah that pic of Johnstown Castle FunkyD - that brings back memories of when I was 11 and we hired bicycles and rode there from Rosslare. It was my first trip "abroad".
Xena - I love the bluebonnets picture. Beautiful!
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66
~Beloved landmarks from your hometown~
by FlyingHighNow inwhen i was almost seven, we moved from the gulf coast town of mobile, alabama to morgan city, louisiana.
on brashear avenue, which was also highway 90, the gulf coast hwy, going towards the now old atchafalaya bridge, there was a shrimp boat in the middle of the road called the spirit of morgan city.
at christmas time they decorated it with a santa on the front and his reindeer out front, as if it were santa's mode of transportation through cajun country, rather than his regular sleigh.
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Crumpet
Nomoreguilt - I completely agree with you. Everyone should go to Niagara Falls once in their lives.
And the white water jet boat ride at the at Niagara-on-the-lake is fantastically thrilling - took my breath away and got completely drenched. Probably one of the most exciting things I've ever done.
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18
My First Counselling Session. EDMR anybody?
by Crumpet inso it hadn't escaped my attention that two weeks ago i was melting faster than a snowman on a lava flow path.. i had to do something.
i ended up in hospital.
i hoped this would mean i'd get help, not just medication, which i've tried for 6 months and hasn't really helped.
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Crumpet
I never recieved hypnotism from another person, but I discovered through research, that I had been doing self-hypnotism without even realizing it. It was just a matter of me asking myself question after question, as they occurred to me, and then allowing my mind to bring up the answer from my subconscience.
MMae - This is exactly what I have been doing this last two weeks. Asking myself why I am doing something. Unravelling it instead of just submitting to the instinct to self detonate! So your post is immensely encouraging - makes me feel I might be on the right path to the safe place you describe.
(I normally get angry when someone brings Jesus into it. LOL! I asked myself why before responding to your post, unravelled it and the anger was replaced by "yes I respect that lady and her belief".)
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66
~Beloved landmarks from your hometown~
by FlyingHighNow inwhen i was almost seven, we moved from the gulf coast town of mobile, alabama to morgan city, louisiana.
on brashear avenue, which was also highway 90, the gulf coast hwy, going towards the now old atchafalaya bridge, there was a shrimp boat in the middle of the road called the spirit of morgan city.
at christmas time they decorated it with a santa on the front and his reindeer out front, as if it were santa's mode of transportation through cajun country, rather than his regular sleigh.
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Crumpet
Oh my God Ipsec! They are gorgeous. I'm coming to your neck of the woods! I just love those dinghy things that the people are floating in. Totally idyllic.
Mincan - that has to be one of my favourite places on the planet. I cried like a baby when I went there. It was so beautiful and overwhelming to be able to hear nothing but the torrents and washed with spray.
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18
My First Counselling Session. EDMR anybody?
by Crumpet inso it hadn't escaped my attention that two weeks ago i was melting faster than a snowman on a lava flow path.. i had to do something.
i ended up in hospital.
i hoped this would mean i'd get help, not just medication, which i've tried for 6 months and hasn't really helped.
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Crumpet
Thank you very much for the PM Emma. I'm also going to do a little bit of research online to see what information i can avail myself of.
Satan's Little Helper - Thank you, I really appreciate that. Actually the going to the counselling and writing about it were the easy part. Posting about the experience and being open about it was harder. No one likes to appear weak.
But here's to growing some balls!
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52
I have a gift! What's yours?
by Crumpet inotherwise entitled: smoking - a cautionary tale.
i have a gift, a talent for getting myself locked into or out of places.
ever since i was small i have managed to get myself locked in most host's lavatories and unable to quite mistress the ability to unlock the door.. today i surpassed myself.
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Crumpet
FunkyD - if that's LT you're snoozing next to, then situation is self explanatory! LOL! Thought I'd get a dig in while the man himself is absent!
Dawg - I read your reply yesterday after my first counselling session.
Crumpet,
I've thought about this thread for sometime now...here's my question...do you think you may have been a martyr of some kind in a previous life? Being locked as you are both mentally and physically, that seems to be a repition that your soul seems stuck in.
Maybe this is your Karma, the thing you need to work out, if you can find a way to unlock yourself you may have found the key to your depression... Now, you're locked into feelings that you can't escape with the JW family, and the locking in you keep doing to yourself physically, could be some remenants of past expierences where you took a stand causing your inprisionment. All of this could be metaphorical, but maybe not.
I think what you said actually in many ways is very accurate and describes the "locked in" pattern I have been in. Thank you for that - very astute.
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18
My First Counselling Session. EDMR anybody?
by Crumpet inso it hadn't escaped my attention that two weeks ago i was melting faster than a snowman on a lava flow path.. i had to do something.
i ended up in hospital.
i hoped this would mean i'd get help, not just medication, which i've tried for 6 months and hasn't really helped.
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Crumpet
So it hadn't escaped my attention that two weeks ago I was melting faster than a snowman on a lava flow path.
I had to do something. I did something. I ended up in hospital. I hoped this would mean I'd get help, not just medication, which I've tried for 6 months and hasn't really helped.
My mental loops gather dust in their eternity, their resilience to any interuption by ration or reason.
However, help on the NHS is a long time in coming. It turned out that my psyhiciatrist never actually got round to referring me for therapy when he said I needed it urgently back in July at the beginning of this journey, when I began wading through the psychedlic effects of one pill and the comatose-inducing apathy of the next, at his insistence. I got a label. Great! Bi Polar Disorder. But it doesnt change anything - I've always had a problem with getting ecstatically over excited and grotesquely miserable.
I see the world through a technicolour gauze one day - quite literally. The grass is acid green. The sky, heart crushing blue. People look at me. I look at them. I feel I can hear their thoughts. Everything oozes sex, vibrancy and I am exhilarated. Sometimes I have to stop in the street because I am so excited sexually and mentally I can't walk anymore. I ride the waves. Sometimes I speak to a stranger. And I take them home.
But the next day I can see the same blue sky, the same green grass, the same passing strangers and it's grey, nuclear, starkly barren. The thoughts I hear are devastating. Sometimes I stop in the street and it's all I can do not to weep for all the faces etched with crevasses of disappointment. The old man trudging in front of me carrying his meagre shopping and a newspaper full of terrors under his arm. It's there to reassure him that there is always worse, always worse somewhere else. Even the children in their push chairs look despairing. My heart is as heavy as an anchor and it catches along the pavement as I drag it home and tell myself I won't go out again. No I won't.
I decided that if I can't get help soon, then I probably won't make it a lot longer at this rate. So I found a counsellor, booked an appointment and am just going to pay for it on cards. Considering it an investment, in a future, a stable one where I can receive and return love and not trample it.
And that was yesterday. I was nervous, a bit. I don't leave the house often. Certainly not more than once every few weeks now if I can help it. I don't speak to people in person either and only when at crisis on the phone. I pulled my cap down low and dark glasses on, so I can be as invisible as possible.
I allowed far too much time to get there. I am masochistically early. I walk slower and take in streets I've never walked, churches I've never seen. I find a church that has been made into the community theatre and wander towards it to pass the time. Yellow corned posters twist themselves away from crucifying drawing pins in the February breeze advertising Elvis impersonators and Clairvoyants. I don't think I'll ever be coming here, I think to myself. I get to the doors of the red bricked church, maybe it was methodist once. And the pungent odour of death is overwhelming. Don't ask me how I know how death smells, but I do. It's unmistakable. I retreat quickly and check my watch.
I walk down a long straight surburban street and wonder at the incongruity of it being February and that there are trees full of pink blossom flourishing side by side with palm trees. In England! 2 out of every 3 people I pass are speaking in other languages. Are they foreign? Or am I? Is it the palm tree which is alien now or the blossom tree? How much the world changes, just in one short life.
Finally I find the right street I need. I don't know what I am looking for, I think I sort of expected an office/clinic. I didn't expect a smart, but not affluent terraced house. I checked out the cars in the drive. BMW - fairly new. Red Mini - reminded me of Elsewhere. If he were a reasonably successful counsellor, I guess I reasoned that the cars would reflect that.
He was very welcoming, in his fifties I guess, tall, beardy - like Gandolph. I loved the room he ushered me into. Smaller than my own living room, but dimly lit. I hate bright lights. If I could live most of my life by lamp light I would. Actually I do. He asked me to fill out a card with my details and then offered me refreshments. I felt quite relaxed but not really sure where to begin. So I outlined what had immediately brought me here, which was my propensity to self harm and destroy when I get anxious, when my brain simply won't stop and let me sleep. To drink too much when I can't calm the feelings of uncontrollable elation, which are always ice capped with a nameless fear.
He explained to me some of how the brain works. I observed throughout the session that he was quite evangelical in some respects as to his profession and that made me feel a little resistant. But I listened. I asked lots of questions, far more than he did. I think he was trying to put me at my ease perhaps, but I think I learned far more about him than I did about myself. Maybe that's a trick, I thought, so that i will feel in control of the situation. I told him i thought that these "mental loops" which just shorted to the same behaviour all the time were what I needed to change but hadn't totally figured out how to do his and he explained how all our senses are attached to emotions. For instance I listen to music, some music and I want immediately to drink. A lot. But he seemed confident that therapy would help me address this and the other problems, the hyperactive sexuality, the need to "reward" myself and blow a gasket when I complete an essay or assignment or anything productive and that I'm not rewarding myself, but in fact punishing myself. It made sense.
I told him that I'd be raised in a cult and lost every single member of my family. And that part of this cult had rendered me in many ways unable to think logically or reasonably. I said most importantly it's affected every single friendship and relationship I've had, not altogeher terminably, but that I have a future now with someones that I love very much, that I am quite keen to make a success of and I need some tools to help with that. He asked what cult and I told him. He said, well that's not so bad. I asked why he said that and he related how when his father died he'd worried about where his father was and that his father would be worrying about him. But that a JW had called on him and showed him a scripture about "soul-sleep" and that his father would not be aware of anything and this had helped him finally to be at peace with his father's passing.
He then came to hypnotherapy and described what it would involve. I'm not completely resistance to that. He said I'd be aware of everything and there'd be no swinging gold watches or pendulums. He said that what he'd like to try is EDMR, which would help me put to rest things like past traumas that I may have and that my next session I should bring something, something small and we could see how it works. The thing is I don't really know what to "bring". I'm not sure if I want to, even if I had something and I am concerned about disconnecting from myself past things that way.
So I wondered does any one else have experience of hypno therapy or this thing called EDMR? If its too private to share please email me or PM and if not please post so I can consider before I go ahead with anything like this.
After the session, which was a double one to begin with, I felt okay. I walked home through the throngs of schoolchildren, some defiantly lighting up cigarettes at bus stops, jostling one another, black felt tipped notes on their hands, green blazers and skewed ties.
I thought what would my life have been like if I knew what I know now when was their age.
I thought what my life will be like once I am better equipped for it.
The future is seductively lit.
The Beginning.
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51
First rock concert
by JK666 ini have recently talked with other members on jwd about the first time they went to a concert.
it was interesting the different choices of artists, and the age we were when we finally went to one.. my first was after i got my driver's license, so i was 16 years old.
i went to see a concert with black oak arkansas, foghat, and montrose (when sammy hagar was just a pup).
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Crumpet
I really prefer the ones held in a bar as opposed to a large venue. The shows are more fun in a bar.
I'm with you there Nosferatu.
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I just recieved a gift... now what?
by LtCmd.Lore ini don't get presents very often... no birthday presents or christmas presents, you know the deal.
so i really don't know how to act.. well my older sister just gave me a painting.
no occasion.
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Crumpet
Obviously your sister has initiated a game of one-upsmanship with you.
Buy her a house.
A really, really nice house with at least a couple of acres and a heated pool.
Then say, "Your move."
LOL Nathan Natas! When someone gives you something they have laboured over it makes it an extra special gift. I'd put it up somewhere prominent and make thank her. Then I'd think over the next few weeks or months of what your sister really likes or something you can do for her that she would really appreciate, something out of the ordinary. I love giving presents. And I prefer giving them for no occasion other than "I love you" - its the best occasion of all in my opinion. Or just simply that I came across something by accident that that person might particularly like.