Aude_Sapere

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Posts by Aude_Sapere

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  37

  Flat Stanley UPDATE

  by Princess in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i spent some time volunteering in rhys' class this morning.

  his teacher very excitedly showed me a large package from country woman....full of candy from the netherlands!

  she was amazed at the great cards branda sent along with the candy as well as some maps of her area.

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  Aude_Sapere

  He hasn't been to California yet! Got your PM. I'll pass on the info to Steve.

  Hasn't been to California?? Send him on over!! I've got plenty of room and a full fridge. (Oh that's probably not a big deal to Stanley.)

  -Aude.
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  46

  i told my mother that i do not desire to be associated with jws anymore and

  by drunkenpikachu in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  she totally flipped out.

  all i was trying to do was find some mutual respect for my decision but she started smacking, punching, pushing me.

  soon after, she threw the biggest tantrum and it disgusted me to see her acting in such a manner.

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  Aude_Sapere

  *whew*

  That's alot of information. Good information. And good for you to put thoughts down in writing (here or in a journal).

  allegedly, the debt was made FOR my benefit, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

  I think I know what this means. Try this on, see if it fits:

  Someone went into debt to purchase or start up a business with the assumption that you would take it over, run it, make it successful and then support them. (Does that sound plausible?)

  If so, they did it for themselves.

  There is nothing that requires you to work a business that you are either not suited to run or have no interest in running.

  As far as the obligation of debt: When people are in such heavy debt that they cannot recover, there is bankruptcy. It happens all the time. Your mother's debt is not your debt. Let her handle it.

  It's great that you want to help out. But helping people should not entail sacrificing our own lives. We help others after our own responsibilities have been taken care of. Your first responsiblity and obligations is to yourself. If you set your life first, I bet you could still help out the family without suffocating from all the guilt, control and excessive obligation.

  And you will probably find that you - and they - are better for it. Taking responsibility for our own lives and actions forces us to think and be reasonable. As much as the word 'reason' is spoken at the Kingdom Hall, there is really very little reasoning that is done. There is following. There is blaming. There is denying. There is avoidance of personal responsibility.

  By you taking personal responsibility for YOU first and foremost, you will create a void in their lives. They will be forced to deal with that void. They will be faced with their own responsiblity of fixing it.

  I wonder if there is some way to move out (even if it's just renting a room somewhere), getting a full- or part-time job, and continue with schooling..?? Many, many people in their late teens and early-to-mid 20's do that. Most them also have a very active social life. Lot's of time for their friends. I'm guessing that some (not all) of the 'time for friends' part could be directed toward helping your family. 2 evenings a week at the business. OR 6 or 8 or 10 hours on Saturday. Something very defined because your boundaries will be tested. (That much I can guarantee!) You could then, if you feel that obligated, also offer to contribute monetarilly.

  If you decide to contribute money, make it a defined amount that you can both afford and control.

  For example, $200 per month. Period.

  $200 is a defined amount. Paying the electric bill is undefined.

  The amount of the electric bill is subject to too many variables - and abuses.

  i don't know how to break it to her that she needs to get control of her life so that i can live mine. i still love my mom, but it's sad to see the dysfunctional reality she's had to grow up with, and her attempt to impose that same morbid reality upon her own children. i pray to jehovah everyday to help her see her own path. thanks once again. dp

  Sigh. The 'how to' is probably different for every situation...

  For me, I moved in with a friend who needed a roommate for 2 months during the summer. It was a short period of time that it eased the feelings of abandonment for my parents. I never moved back. I still kept in touch. Still participated in family activities. Still took care of the kids - at my place. Still financially contributed where I could.

  I think others here are better able to give other loving ways to 'break it to her'. Maybe start a new thread asking that 'How do I...' question. The threads that start with 'Help! -...' seem to get alot of responses quickly.

  My history: at 33 I started school full time while working full-time to support myself with a mortgage. I still had some time for friends and family but not much. The grown-up ones understood, the immature and irresponsible ones moved on - including my own mother. She moved from congregation - to - congregation looking for others to fix her problems. A few friends would help out for a while. Then they saw that she was not taking any responsibility for own situation and was, in fact, subverting their efforts to help. She was creating more problems to keep herself more 'needy'. Eventually, she moved out of state and moved in with my brother. The one she had disowned. He and his wife took her in. Bought a home that was big enough for her to have her own little suite. They fed her. They took her on vacation with their kids. They assured her that she would always have a place for her in their home. It wasn't enough. She left and accused them of not caring. And not loving. Last I heard, she is floating around the homes of people in her new congregation(s) looking for someone new to dump herself on.

  Some people feel that everyone else, the entire world, owes them. And they are driven to make each and every person they come across pay THAT debt back to them.

  I'm speaking with a little bit of coldness for my 44 years of 'dealing' with my own mother. I adored her. I loved her. I resented her. I hated her. I'm just starting to understand her. and pity her. But only after first taking responsibility for my own life.

  And to do that, I have to put my life first. Only THEN, can I really help anyone else.

  Sorry for going off on that tangent. This thread just pulls at so much emotion from my own life. My true hope here is that something I say may help you find the path that makes the most sense for you to make. 23 is a good time to get started. Don't wait until you are 33 or 43 or 63. - most people start in their mid-teens. You weren't allowed to do that then. It's real important for yourself and for those you love that you start now.

  **Hugs**

  -Aude.
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  46

  i told my mother that i do not desire to be associated with jws anymore and

  by drunkenpikachu in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  she totally flipped out.

  all i was trying to do was find some mutual respect for my decision but she started smacking, punching, pushing me.

  soon after, she threw the biggest tantrum and it disgusted me to see her acting in such a manner.

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  Aude_Sapere

  i basically told them i have no problem moving out unless they respected (is that a word?) my decisions.

  Did you mean this sentence to be humorous? I actually laughed out loud with your 'is that a word?' comment. Of course 'respected' is a word. Sounds like not much respect is actually shown at your home.

  i really don't wanna leave them in the state of extreme debt we're in.

  Who's debt are you talking about here? Sounds like you are owning the debt but I have a sneaky suspiscion that you were not the primary cause of the debt. At 23, and with all the other adults you alluded to, something tells me - my gut instinct - that you probably contributed very little, if anything, to the debt. I wonder if you could tally up how much of the debt is actually yours. Imagine if you moved out, got a paying job and supported yourself. Could you make payment to 'the family' and pay off your portion of the debt in a year? I bet you could.

  ... all i wanted was to live my life in the remaining time that i was allowed.

  I'm sorry. I don't understand this part at all. Are you dying?

  it's like i had no control but i still wanna respect them.

  umm OK but if you are 23, are they respecting you, too? I firmly believe that respect works both ways. Mutual respect - and certainly respect of boundaries - is a core component of any healthy relationship. Any healthy relationship.

  i just wanna live my life, is that too much to ask for?

  Nope. At 23, it's probably time you started. Try to be smart about it. Then again, if you live in the home that belongs to someone else, they are allowed to set rules.

  as for the situation, my grandma erupted with her own tantrum at the store, my mom is just too tired to scream now (she is going to the hospital for counselling every week), and me, i'm slowly regaining the control i should have over my own free will. so let's hope i can pull through. thanks for the love everyone. dp.

  We care. I felt the love in this thread too. dp - Wow. MUCH better picture of what's going on with you after your last posting. Thank you for coming back and letting us know how things are progressing. Some people here really do care to know that you are OK. Please pop in now and again. We want to see you succeed at whatever you choose to do. I believe that a parent's primary responsibility to their children is to help them to grow into happy, healthy, independent adults. Once you know you can do that for yourself, you are in a much better position to help others. I'm so, so glad you started this thread. It helped me get a little more clarity and understanding of my own history. I've still got wounds that I'm trying to heal from similar family life to yours. While living at home (until the age of 22) I was expected to take care of my family, too. And to help out with expenses - majorly. For a while my entire paycheck was given to my parents and I was given an allowance of $20. From that $20 I paid for my car expenses so I could go to and from work and run errands and help buy clothes for the younger kids. Get this: If I still had $5 left over from the previous week, my allowance was cut down to $15. When I moved out on my own, my living expenses actually went DOWN. Trouble was that by that time I was accustomed to taking on way more responsibility than was warranted. Eventually I had a nervous breakdown and then cancer. I feel both are related to my failure to set proper boundaries and give my OWN life the proper respect it required. At 23, it sounds like it's time for you to start looking out for you and make those other adults start doing the same. Hugs and all my best wishes for you, -Aude.
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  92

  Will reading CoC automatically make me want to leave WTS?

  by ljwtiamb in

  1. watchtower
  2. bible

  since i am still active (somewhat).

  i have not read the book and you know what the org says about it.

  will crisis of conscience surely send me into a tailspin?

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  Aude_Sapere

  Besides, being nervous that someone might recognize my car outside, (why can't they sell these things in nudie bars, at least I can explain what I was doing in there?!?!?) I felt guilty for attempting to be deceptive. Happily the store clerk did not ask if I was a JW (I was prepared to lie like Peter after the lord's supper!)

  As an adult, this feeling alone helped me make up my mind. Once I recognized it for what it was.

  I understand it completely. I felt the same exact way when I went looking for the book 4 months ago. And I had been inactive for 13 years!!

  All this guilt and control... I didn't realize what it was. Just the process of buying the book was exciting and freeing.

  I bought mine online from Commentary Press and had it shipped to my office. Extremely discreet, if you are concerned.

  -Aude-Sapere. (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to have Knowledge, Wisdom)
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  33

  New to Board

  by Harpy in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am somewhat new to board.

  i am member of a few yahoo email groups, but this is my first attempt to chat with so many ex witnesses.

  i have no idea where to being and would like a few pointers.. there is so much here...

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  Aude_Sapere

  Hi Harpy -

  Welcome to the board. It's a great place to be.

  -Aude.
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  19

  calling all young single men

  by SixofNine in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  .

  my divorce has been final for 5 years... and i have alot to offer.. namely: beer and pizza for anyone who will help me move or take a load of trash to the dump.

  i don't really care if you're a liar or a cheat or even a hottie for that matter, and if you're an alcoholic, maybe you'll work harder for beer?

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  Aude_Sapere

  Who pays for the flight to-and-from Equatorial Guinea?

  -Aude.
• 
  92

  Will reading CoC automatically make me want to leave WTS?

  by ljwtiamb in

  1. watchtower
  2. bible

  since i am still active (somewhat).

  i have not read the book and you know what the org says about it.

  will crisis of conscience surely send me into a tailspin?

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  Aude_Sapere

  I've only read a few responses to your questions so please forgive me if this has already been posted:

  I'm curious why you are so reluctant to at least scan the book yourself and decide if you want to read more. Why not borrow a copy and spend 30-60 minutes reading.

  I'm not sure I understand why you are not open to making your own decision as to whether or not its of value to you.

  -Aude.
• 
  17

  My new avatar? The well-hung squirrel is out... NICE TO MEET THE REAL ME!

  by upside/down in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i was afraid people might think i was trying to "compensate" for something... ya know it's a "guy" thing.

  i'm told (jnbnz) it's a black and white pic of a couple.

  because i can't... i think the deemunz have possesed my 'puter.

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  Aude_Sapere

  I missed the pic.

  I'm just blessed with the 'well-hung' squirrel.

  -Aude. (of the 'Missed an Opportunity Because My Day-Job Got in the Way' Class)
• 
  26

  GET INTOUCH WITH YOUR FAMILY DAY

  by tijkmo in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  .

  there has been a number of discussions lately about not just accepting being shunned by family so i was thinking why not set aside a yearly day to get in touch with family...send a card,text,email to parents and siblings etc not saying anything controversial...just being nice..saying we miss them we love them and anytime they want to meet or write or visit they would be more than welcome..it other words dont treat them like they treat you..do you think that it is a good idea...if so reply here but also spread the word.....if this has been suggested before please excuse me...im new to the world.

  lets make it 10th of may every year...dont think there are any other holidays on that date

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  Aude_Sapere

  lets make it 10th of MAY every year...dont think there are any other holidays on that date

  Mid-May is usually Mother's Day here in the United States.

  Maybe not such a bad date to select if y'all decide to participate. Send a 'thinking of you' card instead of a Mother's Day card.

  But again, I want to ask: Can we swap families? (Even for just that one day??)

  -Aude.
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  26

  GET INTOUCH WITH YOUR FAMILY DAY

  by tijkmo in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  .

  there has been a number of discussions lately about not just accepting being shunned by family so i was thinking why not set aside a yearly day to get in touch with family...send a card,text,email to parents and siblings etc not saying anything controversial...just being nice..saying we miss them we love them and anytime they want to meet or write or visit they would be more than welcome..it other words dont treat them like they treat you..do you think that it is a good idea...if so reply here but also spread the word.....if this has been suggested before please excuse me...im new to the world.

  lets make it 10th of may every year...dont think there are any other holidays on that date

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  Aude_Sapere

  Can we swap families? Just for that one day??

  Maybe like a grab bag?

  -Aude.