a new haircut
summer fruits and veggies
lunch with my girlfriends
my three cute boys
my niece graduating from H.S.
eating dinner outside in the backyard
E.
Posts by evita
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evita
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15
Sentimental Mood
by MerryMagdalene ini've been thinking back to my j-dub childhood with a sort of sad fondness.... my great-grandfather was the first witness in the valley where he lived and ranched.
he became one after listening to rutherford's radio programs.
i have no idea why and am a bit curious.
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evita
Hi Merry
Thanks for expressing your thoughts so eloquently.
After my mom died, I was going through her photos and came across my old baptism picture. I was 15. My mom, friend Cheryl, and I are all crying in the photo and we look so happy. We were young ( my mom was younger than I am now), it was fresh and new. What happened?
The bubble burst of course. I also have many sentimental feelings about those early days as a witness. I had to shove those feelings aside so that I could leave and begin a new life. Now, some of those old memories have resurfaced and need to be acknowledged so I can move on ... again.
I will never go back because I know the truth about the truth, but for a brief moment ignorance was bliss.
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34
Would you go?
by Mysterious inwould you go to a funeral at a kingdom hall?
would it have to be someone that is very close family or just an acquaintance?.
i dont know that jw funerals really off ther much closer and point blank i can not think of a single person i would go to the hall for.
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evita
I went to the memorial of the father of my best friend ( when I was a dub). I had been very close to her family and we had traveled to Europe together. It was OK, no one shunned me. That was probably 8 years ago.
Then last Dec. my mom died. I attended her memorial and it was so bizarre. First off, I completely spaced out on the talk just like I used to do. I have no idea what the guy said. Some were friendly and kind. Some tried to witness. One elder placed some kind of death tract with me. Many avoided my family completely. Either they didn't know what to say or they were unsure of our status (not DA or DF).
The service was lifeless and depressing. We could not say anything about our mom. We weren't allowed to bring our own guest book, but we did make a really beautiful handout with family photos.
When I wrote my friend about my mom dying, she never wrote back to me. I'm not sure if she is shunning me. I will write again because I would like to know for sure.
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My Mother died...
by david_10 init happened one year ago today.
june 4, 2004. they say these things take time and that recovery gets easier as time goes on, and i suppose that's true.
but then again, some things leave a hole in your heart that will never go away.
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evita
Hi David
I was really touched by your story. My mom died in Dec. 04 and I am still grieving very much.
My mother was a devoted dub and professed to be one of the 144,000. She was in for 30 years but I left over 20 years ago. She shunned me off and on even though I was not DF or DA.
When I look back over those years I wish I could have done something to change the situation or my response to it. For many years I was angry, hurt, and bitter because I felt I had lost so much to the witnesses. Even when my mom started speaking to me again (why, I don't know) our relationship was never the same and I carried this burden for over 20 years.
But realistically, what could I have done differently and would it really have made a difference? I was in my early 20's when I left. I needed the anger in order to gain some distance from the dubs and start a new life. I got my degree, married, had three children. All of which took enormous amounts of time and energy. As an ex-JW. I didn't know what the hell I was doing or how to do it. I had to figure it out bit by bit.
Mostly I regret that I didn't just ignore my mom's shunning and continue to tell her that I loved her and none of the rest mattered. But I allowed all the infuriating details to get in the way ( she counted time when my son was with her etc. ) I hated the fact that she believed this stupid religion and I lost having a "normal" mom. I hated the fact that I could never forget the witness "rules" lest I break one and pay the price. I hated the dub speak and the pompous elders. I hated that she professed to be of the anointed. I hated my mom for shunning me and my children. I buried my love deep down so that I could cope with my situation.
While my mom was dying she kept telling me over and over how sorry she was. I couldn't listen, it was too painful. I realized for the first time how much she suffered due to the witness beliefs and her own cognitive dissonance. What havoc one small org can wreak! I still have trouble believing how much control it had over my life and my relationship with my mom. MY MOM! I am convinced that she died after only 8 weeks because she couldn't live this way anymore.
So my mom died and I am left with this: We both did the best we could with the tools that we had. Our "cord" to the organization has been severed and none of it matters anymore. I LOVE YOU MOM!
David, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you and your Dad take comfort in your relationship with each other and your loving memories of your mom. Grieving is a long process.
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What JW Things Did You Have A Hard Time To Let Go?
by minimus ini had a hard time accepting that jehovah's witnesses are a cult.
i would even agree that they might be "cult like" but i didn't want to accept that i indeed was part of a cult.....what about you?
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evita
Yes, it was hard to admit I was in a cult. After I left I tried to convince myself and others that they were just a religion like all other religions with lots of nice people and some weird beliefs.
Also, hard to let go of the idea that I was a bad daughter and that's why my mom shunned me.
The last one I am struggling with after 20 some years out is the feeling of disloyalty. I feel it sometimes when I post here. After my mom died I bought a beautiful journal to write in. It had lovely angels on it. I could not bring myself to write anything about my mother in that book.
Even though I no longer feel guilty about many of the things on Crumpets great list, I still think about them.
Someday I will really, truly let go. I hope it's soon.
Eva -
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It is finished, or is it just beginning?
by IP_SEC inwell i am no longer one of jehovah's witnesses.
i had fully intentioned to disassociate myself from the platform today, but i decided that if i wanted a chance to save my marriage that i'd better tell my wife.
she immediately went to to one of the elders.
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evita
Hi IP/Matt
It's just the beginning. Yes, it will be difficult, but you did it. No more hiding! I really believe that good things are ahead for you after you get through the worst of it. There is so much beauty in the world and you have regained your connection to the rest of humanity. Enjoy your freedom!
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Without the Internet. Would you still have been a active believing dub??
by Samuel Thorsen in.
perhaps i would.. struggeling with doubts of course, but going to the meetings and turning in 2 or 3 hours on my report every month like i used to.... what about you guys?
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evita
I really wish I had this board when I left over 20 years ago. I was in my early 20's and just sick of the whole thing. I had just returned from Europe and the congregation I visited was the same as my little hometown. It so disturbed me that witnesses were exactly the same all over and yet there was a huge, amazing world out there filled with people who had never even heard of JW and could care less. Everyone was living their lives and I was stuck in a lifeless organization, filled with fear and anxiety.
So I faded and then left for good. Soon after, I read COC and Visions of Glory. WOW! My eyes were opened even further and I knew I could never go back. I lost my mom and many friends. Very sad for many years.
When my mom was dying in Dec 04, someone suggested I look at this site. I spent many nights crying and reading. We've all lost so much and yet gained our freedom and hopefully, our sanity.
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evita
Hi Badboy
I also lost my mom six months ago. You're right, it is very sad. I still cry almost every day because I miss her so much.
My thoughts are with you.
Eva -
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misc goofy witness stuff
by joelbear inwe had a house near the kingdom hall where we always started out time when i was a pioneer.
there was never anyone home.
we always left a back copy.
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evita
Thanks for the funny memories.
I'm glad for the lighthearted tone. Sometimes I just get so down about what I lost due to the dubs that I lose my sense of humor.
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What's the most thought-provoking novel you've ever read?
by lucky ini'd have to say for me that it was ayn rand's the fountainhead.
even though i don't agree with a lot of her philosophy, it definitely made me stumble around in a thought-induced haze for a few weeks after reading it.
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evita
The Spirit Catches you and You Fall Down - by Anne Fadiman About a Hmong girl with epilepsy and her parents battle with the medical establishment. Does a great job showing both sides of the story in the conflict between religious belief and scientific knowledge. Many parallels to JW blood issue.
E.