Posts by coolhandluke

60

Defd, why are you being so mean?

by Elsewhere in

jw
friends

.

it is possible to express one's thoughts and ideas without being so mean to others..

coolhandluke

Even though I felt in the back of my mind that something was wrong, I told myself that I would never leave because I wanted to live forever. I told myself that this was God's organization and it was nearly perfect.

See, I never felt that way. I never thought paradise was a good enough reason for me to do things I was doing. I served Jehovah with the organization because I truly believed that it was the truth. I thought that upholding his sovereignty and helping people to come to an accurate knowledge of truth was my purpose in life. I was content with dying as long as I got to serve my God. I realized in time though that I wasn't serving him. I was serving men. That took all of the desire and ardour for the organization out of me. It made me HATE that I had wasted my time. It made me resent the elitist attitude that I reflected from exposure to that environment.

82

What's your best feature?

by JH in

jw
friends

i think i have nice eyes

coolhandluke

This picture is awesome Ellie. Am I alone in believing that pregnant women are hot?

34

My story - part One.

by diamondblue1974 in

i have never posted my story on jwd and it was only recently that it occured to me that i should really make more of an effort to; here is the first part....sorry if its longwinded.... .

i was brought up in the borg from the age of 18 months old and as you can understand i have known little else.

previous to being in the truth my mother was an unwanted child and beaten by her mother, sure enough she fell into an abusive relationship with my father which left her with minus zero confidence and on the verge of a nervous breakdown; apparently my mum was considering throwing us both off a railway bridge she was that depressed and to her there was no point in living.

coolhandluke

Thank you so much. I feel so much less crazy. I found myself highly emotional through your story. I never allow myself to feel emotions like that (probably part of my conditioning). In this case I couldn't help it. My mother beat the hell out of me several times. Spankings with the belt were routine until I was about 10. At that age my mother resorted to removing privleges from me. I will say though that I believe she was trying to do the right thing.

The older I got the more our relationship changed from mother son to almost, creepily, wife and husband. I so much sympathized with you regarding a mother who didn't remarry. Why should she? She had one built in. That was so confusing. I never knew the role I was to fill. Even now her dependency on me can be felt. The sick part is that I began to depend on it. I needed to feel that. I hate that feeling now. She and others in my hall made me, the son, responsible for her spirituality. They say that I have a gift for public speaking. For that I became well known in my small town. She is and will forever be known as Dominick's mother.

Damn, I so sypathize with you. Our mothers came from the same school of self esteem or lack thereof. My mother spent so much time trying to get away from an oppressive mother and "the truth" as a young person, pushing the limits of what felt good in the world. She tried to commit suicide once, only to be saved by my older sister at age 9. That pain was caused in part by the faith that she so loves now. I wish for the life of me that I could reach her. The question would be, "What could I offer her that would give her the same high as this moral high ground gives her now?" So I leave her to her ignorant bliss, painfully.

10cc's of candy cane licorice love packed tightly into a bent burned bottom spoon. I push back that needle every day

13

Do these guys even pay attention to what they teach?

by sir82 in

jw
friends

one more blurb from the current gilead class, as presented by one of the astute instructors (and forwarded in an e-mail):.

satan really tricked eve.

not only did she break jehovah's law about the .

coolhandluke

Happy Birthday by the way greendawn...

I kinda have to disagree with you on one point though. An education in religion and philosophy? How does a study of such things properly help me to get to know God? I think it would pull me farther from him. Although I cannot say that the society has brought me any closer to him. Philosophy is so often analysis paralysis. So much thinking, so many lofty ideas and so little action, such meagerly follow through.

17

May 2005 U.S. service report

by TheListener in

from km 8/05.

special pioneers: number 245; hrs 97.7; mags113.3; rvs 44.3; bs 4.5. pioneers: number 92,495; hrs 65.3; mags 45.2; rvs 20.6; bs 2.0. aux.

pios.

coolhandluke

I always justified the time in my mind. I would say to myself that it wasn't the time that was important, simply that within a specified amount of time, so much good could be done. I always hated counting time. It made me feel like it was a job, like I was butchering meat or pushing papers instead of helping people come to a specific heart condition. Even re-reading what I have just written makes me sick. I feel like I have been such an elitist to people. I am going to help them reach a heart condition. Barf.

32

Thinking outside of what is allowed

by coolhandluke in

this is my first post.

i have read and benefited greatly from all of the posts on the board.

i just wanted to share a little of my story perhaps to gain insight into myself, and perhaps just to share with like minded people.

coolhandluke

"Welcome to the forum, congrats for realising that the org is a manipulative liar that enslaves people to its will, and that real life is to be found outside it. Your grand mother doesn't realise that, so it's her problem her beliefs are in vain."

My grandmother... that is the hardest part. I have never been closer to another human in my life...ever. She was my world. Everyday, field service for at least 6 hours. A nap, some food and then study for the next meeting. We would call and right letters back and forth about the Watchtower and conventions and the like. It is so hard to get over it. I went to her house and her husband wouldn't let me in. I asked to come in and he said to me, "You seem not to understand the position that you are in?" I turned around and walked away.

My grandmother and I talked and she backed him up! This man who is now an elder has cheated on her numerous times with people from their very own congregation. He has been disfellowshipped twice in my lifetime. Every "faithful" witness in my family has been disfellowshipped at least once. Most of them twice. I had never faultered. But I am the most punished. Everyone was welcome in my grandmother's home. They could always eat her food. They could always get a hug. But she has spent the most time grooming me. So I am the most punished. She told me that it was in her best interests and mine for her to treat me as a person of the nations so that I can come to my senses. To me that is emotional blackmail. I respond very poorly to blackmail of any sort. Even if I chose in the future to go back, these actions toward me would prevent that.

If Jehovah does judge on action to decide who can be a part of the "new system", would these actions not damn all of these people? Oh yeah, its out of love

32

Thinking outside of what is allowed

by coolhandluke in

this is my first post.

i have read and benefited greatly from all of the posts on the board.

i just wanted to share a little of my story perhaps to gain insight into myself, and perhaps just to share with like minded people.

coolhandluke

LOL... yeah the eggs... I just love that nothing gets him down in that movie. Nothing beats him. Nothing breaks his spirit... even death

32

Thinking outside of what is allowed

by coolhandluke in

this is my first post.

i have read and benefited greatly from all of the posts on the board.

i just wanted to share a little of my story perhaps to gain insight into myself, and perhaps just to share with like minded people.

coolhandluke

Thank you to all of you. I have actually found lots worth living for. My own sanity for one thing. I have rediscovered the blood family that I have had to abandon because of "my" principles. I am trying really really hard to approach life with a completely open mind. That is worth living for. I play lots of guitar, run, eat, have mad monkey sex and I pray every day. My life is more content than it has been, ever. The only thing that still gets me sometimes is imposed guilt. Still trying to figure out how to deal with that. You know what I mean... "The sky is falling..er.. uh..The system is ending"

21

Did you do crazy things post DF?

by anewme in

i was just wondering if anyone out there had similar struggles after being disfellowshipped?

.

all my life i was a good christian person, then after getting df'd i entertained the idea to do all manner of formerly forbidden activities, since everyone thought i was going to the devil anyway.

coolhandluke

I'm still fresh out of the collective. I completely moved away from California all the way to the midwest. I discovered the gange and the cigar. It's just nice not to be condemned for trying things. I learned not to be ashamed of my body and to enjoy a womans body. I discovered me. Not an imposed view of myself but me for me. I love that!

32

Thinking outside of what is allowed

by coolhandluke in

this is my first post.

i have read and benefited greatly from all of the posts on the board.

i just wanted to share a little of my story perhaps to gain insight into myself, and perhaps just to share with like minded people.

coolhandluke

This is my first post. I have read and benefited greatly from all of the posts on the board. I just wanted to share a little of my story perhaps to gain insight into myself, and perhaps just to share with like minded people.

I had been a Witness for a long time, all of my life. When I turned about 15, I realized that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I asked all around me including my single parent mother. Her response was, “Son, you aren’t praying enough…not relying on Jehovah enough…not studying enough.” She is my mother. She must be right. I re-doubled my effort. I pioneered whenever I had the time. I gained a 73 year-old bible student. He progressed from the door to the water. To my surprise, the day he got baptized, I didn’t feel a father’s pride, but a loose disconnection. The next few years, I asked everyone from elder to circuit overseer about my faith. I needed to know why I felt like I had none. I needed to know why I felt sick right before meeting. Why did I never want to go? Why was preaching so difficult. I enjoyed it so much as a child.

One day I chose to stop carrying supplementary bible aids. I just went to the door and spoke from the heart. I let the house-holder push the conversation wherever they wanted it to go. It was the most rewarding time I have ever had in field service. It still didn’t’ compensate for the growing sickness I felt when having to go to the Kingdom Hall. I feel away.

I became reacquainted with a worldly friend completely unconnected to Jehovah’s Witnesses. The only reason I was disfellowshipped was because I felt that I had made a promise. So I told the elders of my decision to be with this woman. They disfellowshipped me. The last time I was at that Kingdom hall was to hear them say those words.

Since then my grandmother who taught me the truth will not speak to me. I grew up in her home. She will have nothing to do with me. I hurt her. I feel that in a best case scenario, I hurt Jehovah (I don’t believe that anymore). She feels that of all of her children, I had the most potential. I was the one that she raised to lead the family and I have betrayed that. For a time, my mother was in opposition to this decision, but has since abandoned me as well.

I still find myself prayerful, hopeful, and searching. Sorry about the length. Just had to get it out